Background:
For 10-year old Bradley, his Holiday experience is always bittersweet
ever since his parents went through a divorce 3 years ago. "They are
always fighting over me", he commonly states and he often looks forward
to the holiday season ending in order to reduce the intensification of
conflicts between he and his parents. Like many children who live
within and between divorced parents, the stress experienced over this
two week period intensifies as compared to the other 50 weeks of the
year. This is the result of three main causes. First, the holiday
time increases the child's awareness of their family being split and
often reawakens wishes that their parents did not split. It is not
infrequent that many children will bring up the divorce over the
holidays and state their dismay. Second, having to shift from one
house to the other over the season is particularly disruptive due ! to
the heightened festivities of the season which often include out of
town relatives who are only visiting for a short period of time. For
example, having to leave their grandma who only visits once a year can
be very saddening for a young child and then have an effect on their
mood and demeanor at the other parent's house. Finally, if the
attitudes of the two sets of parents are not positive cooperative, and
in favor of the child having a happy and successful holiday, the child
will suffer.
Due to the combination of these factors, many children will show
evidence of stress and anxiety as they rotate from one house to the
other. Such signs might include moodiness, outbursts, and even
temporary bed wetting. It is very important that both sets of parents
are sensitive to the potential feelings of their child withstanding the
inconvenience of sharing their parents over the holidays and offer
support and comfort. In addition, it is essential that parents make
the transition as non-traumatic as possible and refrain from any sort
of argument in front of the children or this will increase the chances
of the child becoming anxious. Finally, having a set plan for the
holiday season is very important which should be reviewed with the
child at least a week before the events taking place in order to give
him or her some time to psychologically adjust to the upcoming
activities. Such a review will make the transitions easier to handle
and ! make the experience with all more enjoyable.
Although all children will having strong feelings about shifts over the
holidays, the ones who are most effected are children between the ages
of 5 and 10. Children prior to this age do not fully understand the
full manifestations of parents not living together, and the tweens and
adolescents are able to better tolerate strong feelings and are able to
better place events in perspective.
Key Points:
1. the holiday time increases feelings about divorce.
2. shifting from one household to the other can be particularly disruptive this time of year.
3. if parents are not sensitive and cooperative, the outcome could be very negative.
4. many children will show normal signs of anxiety including moodiness and sadness.
5. make the transitions as easy as possible.
6. be open to talk about their feelings.
7. have a set plan for the holiday and review with the child ahead of time
8. be flexible to minor setbacks
9. children between the ages of 5 and 10 are the most effected by such holiday shifts
10.
make the experience as enjoyable at each house to help them better
tolerate their feelings of the family not being together.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
