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Watch us here at Fox6 tackle this issue during the 7am hour this Monday, December 31st during the 7am hour.
Background: Many have
stated that a general decline in social responsibility, increases in
drug and alcohol usage in teenagers, greater incidences of mental and
behavioral disturbances in both children and young adults, as well as
an increasing interest in public exposure to inappropriate venues, are
all due to a decline in the emphasis of family values taught at a very
early age to children and continued throughout adolescence.
Financial needs for dual incomes; divorce rates still at around 45
percent, and a continual trend towards "individualism", has evoked less
parental involvement at home and left many children left to their own
resources to understand the world and rely more heavily on their peers
and non-parent adults than ever before. Overcrowding in schools has
also decreased the positive effects of teachers on their students as
well, which in the past was a very influential source of stability for
children and adolescents when away from their parents. Only some
children have religious affiliations and even far less are invested in
after-school or extra-curricular programs where rules and values are
emphasized.
The needs however for raising healthy children are the same today
as they were 20 years ago, despite changes in society and greater
exposure to negative influences which have grown tremendously due to
television, literary, and internet resources. The major issue however
has been how to adapt to a changing world and keep the importance of
family and social values as a top priority? The answer seems to be to
getting back to the basics of raising healthy children with family and
social values being at the top of the list. Here is my list:
1. Provide a loving and nurturing environment for them in the first 2 years of life.
During infancy, there is no such thing as over- spoiling a child. The
more a parent spends time with their infant providing love, food,
attention, and protection, the faster and healthier they develop.
Infants are not yet capable of soothing themselves and need the parent
to relieve stress for them by holding and soothing them from the
outside. This service relieves distress for the infant and assists
them in both psychological and physical development. In addition, this
parental function becomes internalized inside of the child during the
toddler years and helps with the establishment of emotional regulation
and high self-esteem.
2. Encourage social relationships.
Socialization is essential for young children to develop adequate
psychological functioning. Friendships, play with others, and learning
to negotiate social norms, helps children learn how to adapt to the
world and develop as an individual as they slowly separate from their
parents and work towards managing themselves on their own. Friendships
provide support and a platform for children to learn how to survive
with others and provide a support system that often takes the place of
the parents.
3. Don't be so overprotective that they can't separate.
Encouraging children to sleep in their own beds; using baby-sitters on
occasion, dropping them off at school, are examples of helping children
learn that they can manage situations without their parents.
Obviously, such situations need to be safe and when a child is left, it
needs to be with trusted others or a in a safe environment.
4. Set limits. Do not indulge in regressive or strange behavior.
Children need limits to help them regulate their emotions and are not
fully capable of doing so independently until late adolescence.
Parents also need to stop their children from non-adaptive behavior by
setting limits and offering suggestions of managing situations in more
appropriate ways.
5. Allow them to do societally normal things even if you do not like them.
In order to assist them in feeling "normal" and to provide them social
opportunities, parents need to allow certain activities understandably
under supervision. Such activities include: a reasonable amount of
television; popular and safe toys; popular and age-appropriate movies;
and open political and religious education. Children who do not have
such opportunities are often teased, left out of social circles, and
often viewed as strange or wierd.
6. Encourage sports, particularly team ones.
Childhood sports help with the appropriate regulation of aggression;
the internalization of rules; and help fortify areas of sportsmanship
and negotiation. Team sports help children learn how to work with
others and achieve common goals.
7. Encourage enough comfort with aggression to stand up for themselves.
It is optimal for children to be able to stand up for themselves, but
we do not want to develop a bully. Children however, who are
comfortable with their aggression, tend to be very expressive and are
usually not the ones who become teased and rejected from groups. In
fact, appropriately assertive children tend to be leaders.
8. Do not encourage just being an intellectual. This can come
in college if they truly want it. Before this time, it may make them
seem strange.
Balance is the key. Children who are encouraged to read and learn and
are also encouraged to develop other hobbies and sports, become
well-rounded and this leads to healthy development and social success.
9. Role model healthy social relations that fit into the local
culture - don't role model disdain for it or valuing things at odds
with social norms.
Monkey see, monkey do. Children look to their parents on "what is
normal" and "how to be". Parents need to watch themselves and their
behavior if they expect their own children to be healthy and
appropriate.
10. Encourage family time even during adolescence.
Make time for family trips, excursions, etc. Family values instill a sense of community and commitment.
Putting these elements together helps children develop well-rounded
developmental needs and enhance future happiness and success.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News-San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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