Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 7th @ 8:20am on San Diego6 News In The Morning.
Background: As parents, we are all familiar with those frustrating moments when our children whine or complain when they sense something inside of them does not feel right. Whining stems from two different sources: physical or emotional. From the physical side whining will emerge from as early as two and run through adolescence and is related to physical discomfort which usually is not psychosomatic but actually due to some sort of illness or pain, such as fatigue. The second, and most common cause of whining, is emotionally based and cause by frustration related to having to do something they do not wish to do. Excessive whining is common and normal in the 2 to 4 year old age group as these children are trying to break away from their mother and strive towards independence.
Whining is one of those child behaviors which tends to drive parents "nuts" for it is very annoying, and creates anger inside of the parent. Conflicted with common guilt over the parent's anger, how the parent then responds to the whining will have significant effect on the outcome. Most children who excessively whine either have very strong-willed temperaments or have found effective ways of "getting to their parents" in a way that perpetuates their "whining habit". On the other hand, all children will whine periodically and is something that all parents must accept. The challenge however, is how to best intervene when your child "whines up" and there are certain tactics that tend to work better than others.
1. Accept that your child will whine from time to time. As mentioned, especially with young children, whining takes the places of using words to express dismay about something.
2. Manage your anger and frustration. The parental attitude is crucial when children act up. Parents who either get too angry or give in tend to produce "habitual whiners". Calm yourself down, use a soft voice when interacting with your upset child.
3. Find the cause. Parents need to determine the cause of the whining and try to either remove the condition or soothe their child through what is bothering them. Once again, young children do not yet have this automatic capacity and need to take in this attribute by hearing the calming words and clarification of the parent.
4.
Talk to your child about what is bothering them in an empathic manner. For example, when your child is whining about having to stop playing a video game to go to school. Tell them that you know they are angry and that having to stop is very upsetting to them and encourage them to use their words to tell you about their feelings.
5.
Set limits after expressing empathy. This is the tough part and is where many parents drop the ball. Initially setting limits intensifies the child's whining and anger at the parent (which must be accepted by the parent), but the parent then needs to hold the child responsible for their noted task. This will then eventually calm the child down for he or she will not feel as though they overpowered their parent and will eliminate making them feel guilty.
6.
Do not let the whining episode ruin your day. In most cases, once the above mentioned tactics are used, the child calms down, has a good day, and forgets about what happened earlier in the day and may even greet you in a great mood. Don't hold your breath however, because there will sure to be another episode of whining in the next hour or two. But, when parents are consistent in how they handle those "whinny times", the child will learn to talk, rather than act out his or her plight.
7.
Whining tapers over time. Like any developmental phase, excessive whining too will subside over time and turn into verbal complaints, which again the parent needs to manage and respond to in the same ways as earlier whining.
When children feel understood and have parents who are both empathic yet firm, excessive whining or complaining tends to reduce in frequency and takes on a normal path of typical childhood and adolescent complaining which as parents, we need to be able to manage and help them through their temporary state of discomfort.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
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