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Be sure to watch this segment live this Monday,
December 8th @ 8:20a.m. on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: Not everyone
is happy when the holiday season approaches especially if he or she has
withstood some sort of crisis or loss over the past year. The loss of
a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a home to the recent wildfires, or
significant changes in one's health or occupational status can cause
feelings of shock, despair, sadness, or even depression. For any
individual going through one of these possible conditions, the
festivities of the season may intensify strong uncomfortable feelings.
For these individuals, spending time with loved ones, friends, and
trying to find activities to help them feel better are important. One
of our Fox6 viewers, who is going through a difficult time, told me
that he was going to go camping over the holiday with a friend and was
excited that he found an activity that he believed would make him feel
happier.
The role of close friends is important as well, but many are
uncertain as how to best help a friend in need. For people going
through grief, the warmth of a friend can be very comforting and
helpful. Inviting a friend in need over for a holiday celebration,
trying to spend some special time together, and even buying them a
special and meaningful gift can help someone in need cope better with a
recent setback. Should a close friend try to get the one going through
a tough time to talk about it?
Regarding discussions about grief or loss,
it is important to consider that children and adults are in different
developmental and psychological states and will manage crises
differently. Although the grief process is the same, the capacity to
tolerate affects and feelings are different. Understandably, adults are
more mature and typically will be able to talk about their feelings
more readily, while children experiencing grief are usually in
extensive defensive operations in order to continue to cope. In other
words, it will take children much longer to talk about their grief
experiences than adults and should NOT be pushed to do so. They will
open up when ready as long as they are in a supportive and loving
environment.
In reference to adults in grief states, it is very important that
their friends DO acknowledge their sympathy to them and encourage them
to talk if they wish to. Here, the friend is offering a supportive
environment to grieve which will assist them in getting through the
process and help them get through the initial period of shock.
During the time spent with friends experiencing grief, one must expect
inconsistencies in both thought and feeling. Confusion, memory
problems, mood swings, irritability, sadness, crying, anger, and even
laughter are all expected during the initial phase of a grief reaction.
Supportive friends who expect these types of manifestations are both
better prepared and helpful by tolerating such alterations in mood and
thought. Over time, such emotional swings will lessen and the person
will eventually return to their previous state of mind, but this could
take up to 6 months.
Although being supportive and available, it is also important that
friend's try to keep their suffering friend(s) on track. Here,
continuing in daily planned activities, including holiday plans, are
important in helping the grieving in witnessing that life continues and
when they can experience their capacity to manage everyday tasks, it
increases their confidence that they will overcome the crisis and move
ahead in their life.
Finally, when helping others work through their grief, it may also
reawaken one's own experiences with loss which though saddening, can
also lead to a greater awareness and understanding of their friend's
experience and provide greater empathy.
Key Points:
1. Reach out to your friends in need
2. Encourage adults to talk about
their losses and troubles but NOT young children
3. Children will talk when they are ready and will need support-let them know you are there when they are ready
4. Thoughts and emotions are inconsistent for up to 6 months for people going through crisis or loss
5. Help your friends keep activities on schedule to help functionality
6. Grief in others reawakens past experiences of one's own grief which can cause temporary sadness
Supporting others in need helps both parties become stronger in their mutual capacity to manage misgivings.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News - San Diego
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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