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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, December 22nd @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: For
many extended family members, the only time they have to spend and get
to know their young family members is over the holidays and the time is
often brief. From grandparents, to aunts, uncles, and cousins, this
time is invaluable to discover what is on the minds and in the hearts
of young children and even adolescents. To truly find out such
answers, the interested family member needs to find ways to enter into
their lives by joining in the child or adolescent's interests or
activities that they are comfortable doing.
It is almost essential that the adult visiting family members consult with the parents of the child to find out what they are interested in;
activities that they enjoy doing; and then demonstrate interest in such
activities when visiting. For example, last year, on of our viewers
here at San Diego 6 News wrote me to tell me that she always brings a
"bag of tricks" with her when she visits her grandchildren over the
holidays. Within her bag are items that she has found are liked and
enjoyed by her grandchildren including drawing materials, puzzles, and
two familiar board games. She told me that because she is attuned to
their interests, the children readily play with her and teach her about
their lives. Each year she then "updates" her bag based on changes
that she had learned about not changes in their development.
Family outings are also great ideas as long as the activity has something for everyone.
Making an adolescent go to a museum over the holidays, if they are not
interested in museums, will elicit resistance and complaints, and will
often ruin the trip for the rest of the family. Therefore, it is a
good idea to find activities that all family members seem to enjoy and
take a vote. If not everyone can agree, then taking activity turns is
another option.
A common error that many adults make when interacting with
children is trying to "make them" participate in some activity over the
holiday that they do not either enjoy or understand. Although
the intent is positive, it is better that with little time to bond,
that the chosen activities are fun and interesting to the child.
Spending time with adolescent family members is another story. As most
adolescents would much rather spend time with their friends, which is
normal, finding activities that they will do with you may be difficult,
but not impossible. Adults
can "hang out" with adolescents as long as they do not ask them too
many questions and try to find activities that they like to do, which
are usually shopping or going to a movie. The reason here is that, they like "stuff" and a movie is a compromise in spending time together but not talking too much.
On a final note, try not to feel rejected by your young family members if you only visit them on holidays.
Like everyone else, they may take some time to re-familiarize
themselves with you and begin perhaps shy or resistant. Give them some
time and remain positive and interested. In most cases, they will come
around although it might be the last day of the holiday. But, be sure
to enjoy that day.
Happy Holidays from all of us her at San Diego 6 News and San Diego Living.
Key Points:
1. Join in their interests, not yours!
2. Do your homework - find out what they like to do.
3. Activities need to have something for everyone.
4. With adolescents, do NOT ask them too many questions. Tell them what you have heard about them.
5. Try NOT to feel rejected if they act shy or resistant at first.
 Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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