Be sure to watch this segment live on San Diego 6 News In The Morning this Monday, December 29th, 2008 @ 8:20a.m.
Background: 15 year old Billy told his parents that his New Year's
Resolution for 2008 would be to get straight A's this year in school to
better his chances for college admission. Up to this point, Billy had
historically struggled in school given some mild learning differences
and and a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, both
of which he had received assistance in managing. Billy's wish to
elevate his grades is based on the reality of college admission
competition and also in service of wanting to please his parents and
raise his own self-esteem. Despite his encouraging statement to his
parents, both his mother and father were concerned that Billy set his
expectations too high given his natural attributes. In particular, his
father was concerned that Billy was going to set himself up for a let
down.
This type of senario is very common when both children and
adults alike set New Year's Resolutions. In many cases, individuals
have had particular struggles over the previous year which they decide
they want to conquer. They therefore set out personal expectations for
the upcoming year hoping that the particular struggle will be conquered
once and for all. Unfortunately, many of the sought after goals are
either too high or unrealistic to reach which then result in a personal
failure for the individual causing lower self-esteem and a sense of
failure. We see this quite often in weight loss or smoking cessation
programs. Once an individual witnesses personal failure, they will be
less likely to seek that particular goal in the future and subsequently
feel like a failure for not being able to reach their goal.
There are four basic reasons why many New Year's Resolutions
fail. First, as mentioned earlier, the goal is either too high or
unrealistic. When an individual decides on a resolution, it is
essential that it is a reasonable achievement that can be reached
without over suffering. Second, failing to have a plan on "how to"
reach the resolution will commonly result in failure. Billy's decision
to get straight A's was made without him having a concrete plan on how
he was going to achieve this goal. Third, personal rewards along the
way towards the ultimate goal is essential. For most individuals,
children and adults alike, a final goal at the end of the tunnel often
times feels too far away and small rewards along the way help maintain
motivation to continue. One of my adolescent patients would buy himself
an "I-Tunes" song for 99 cents after two days of solid studying which
not only resulted in him being more motivated to study but also
eventually led to his overall GPA raising significantly at which time
he bought himself a new MP3 player as final reward. Finally, the final
reason why many resolutions fail is due to a lack of follow through.
Insight and thinking is essential in planning for a goal or a change,
but action MUST also follow and in many cases, this is where goals fail
to become reached. This is due to the establishment of habits which are
difficult to break even if they are maladaptive - in order to break any
unwanted habit, the individual must first decide they are going to
break it, understand why it developed in the first place, establish
some goals, determine a reasonable plan, follow through even if it does
not initially feel natural, and have rewards along the way and at the
end. Over time, the new habit will replace the old one and a new sense
of esteem will develop and will be the ultimate condition that keeps
the resolution in place. People who follow this type of protocol tend
to reach their resolution and keep the newfound trait in place.
Compliance however is necessary and the hardest part.
Key Points
1. resolutions must be realistic and attainable
2. have a concrete plan on how to reach them
3. establish mini rewards along the way
4. follow through - habits are hard to break
5. better esteem keeps the resolution intact
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
