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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment on Monday, January 12th, 2009 @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - The NEW CW.
Background: One
of the greatest concerns that parents have for their children is their
individual capacity to stand up for themselves. Demonstrating a sense
of independence, freedom of thought, and making it easier to say "no"
when necessary, comes for the learned capacity to confidently state
their own opinions with confidence and clarity. Such an important
trait begins early in life once children have mastered the task of
speaking and understanding that they are an individual person as
compared to others and this is when parents need to then help the young
child learn to express themselves to others and then personally witness
the positive results.
As parents however, we are wired to protect and care for our children
which is invaluable. However, once a child is developmentally capable
to perform an individual task, it is important that as parents, we
support their initiative and encourage appropriate expression.
Otherwise, the child might perceive that we do not believe in their
capabilities, doubt themselves, and feel overly dependent on the
parent. This can then transfer over to the peer group in late
childhood and adolescence.
In most cases, children are not ready to speak for themselves, until at
least 2 to 3 years of age. As children further develop, their capacity
increases and the attentive parent should help support this process as
long as the expression is appropriate. Obviously, when the expression
is not so, the parent needs to empathize and set limits, but if the
child is at an age when he or she can take an independent stand, this
will create a sense of confidence and esteem that gives the child a
feeling of control and will then apply to conditions such as peer
relationships.
For most parents however, we are used to, and enjoy parenting our
children and it becomes somewhat conflictual to let them speak for
themselves. Just the other day, I was with my 7 year old at a sandwich
shop and I asked him what he wanted and almost automatically ordered
for him. However, before the waitress wrote down his request, it
dawned on me that he could order for himself. I then asked him to tell
her what he wanted and he politely told her what he wanted even using
the terms "please" and "thank you". What was most apparent to me was
how proud he was of himself that he did it himself. In fact, he
thanked me for letting him order!
As parents, when we support our children's maturity and encourage their
appropriate individualism, we are helping them prepare for the future.
In fact, the more confident a child becomes in him or herself early in
life, the easier it is for them to say "no" in a condition that might
be unhealthy for them, such as when peer pressure becomes intensified
in middle and high school.
In summary, capitialize on your child's developmental growth and help
them realize that they have the capacity to speak for themselves based
on the years of guidance you have instilled in them.
Key Points:
1. Encourage children to appropriately speak up for themselves when capable.
2. Instill rules and morals early in their development.
3. Comment on your child's positive initiative.
4. Peer pressure lessens when children feel the most confident in themselves.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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