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Your Family Matters

"John & Kate + 8 + Divorce?"



Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 29th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.  Check out Dr. Kanner's new website @ www.kanner.tv

Background:
  Just when does too much reality become too much for children?  Despite the popularity of reality television, which has been increasing over the recent years, not enough attention has been placed on the potential negative effects that publically exposing personal struggles may have on the mental health of children, especially young ones.  On the recent reality show, John & Kate Plus 8, the parents have decided that they will be divorcing and the show will now focus on how the family handles this significant transition media-style.  Although showing people  the "real" effects of divorce on families and children may be helpful to some, the children in this case are not old enough to give their own personal consent for the production of this portion of the show and the psychological effects of both the changes in the family constellation and the additional impact of this shown on national television may or may not worsen the normal mourning process that all children withstand when their parents divorce.

How the Producers organize the family's transition is also going to be significant in how the children handle the changes and may or may not be in the best of interests for the children given they are at different ages and stages of development.  For example, it is my understanding that the plan for production is that the parents are going to follow a "nesting" option for the parents spending time with the children.  Nest ing means that the children stay in the house and the parents then take turns visiting.  Apparently the plan is that each parent will spend one week in and out of the house.  This means that the children will be away from each parent for 5 to 7 days at a time which is a major transition from what they are used to and all nesting plans MUST take into consideration the ages of the children due to their developmental capacity to be away from their parents.  In most cases, when children are under the age of ten, week on and week off custody arrangements are NOT recommended by professionals for it is too long for a small child to be away from each parent.  Most commonly, what is called a 2-2-5 plan is what most pediatric psychologists and even family law attorneys recommend ( 2 days with each parent, and then an alteration of the weekends), for this is considered the healthier choice. 

It is unclear as to whether the production plans have been determined by the Producers of the show or if there is some sort of professional consultant overseeing such decisions. For the sake of the children in this family,  I hope that a specialist in child development has been hired to look out for the impact that both the divorce and the additional effects of television production will have on the health of these innocent children.  Here again brings up the pros and cons of certain types of reality television concepts of shows.  On the one hand, divorce is real a nd watching how others handle such changes can be helpful if they are done in careful and sensitive manners.  On the other hand, if such measures are not followed, then one becomes concerned for exploiting children for the sake of "good television".  The latter is NOT in the best interests of any child and should be avoided to prevent further pain and suffering for any child who is going through a divorce process.

While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security.  The age of the child when parent’s divorce is also significant.  For example, the effects of divorce are less intrusive the younger the child.  Children under the age of two usually do not understand the concept of divorce and adapt easier than older children who have bonded longer with their parents and also are able to understand more of what might be in store given their parents are no longer together.  The children most affected by divorce are between the ages of 4 and 14.  During these ages, both parents play important developmental functions in their child’s life and consistent time with both parents is optimal.  Parental fighting, custody issues, and the introduction of new adults into the child’s life creates conflict and often intense anxiety.  “Loyalty Conflicts” commonly enter the picture where the child often feels “stuck in the middle” and  worries how one p arent will feel or act when the child spends time with the other To further complicate matters,  some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction, placing the child in an unhealthy position.

Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved and what will happen to them.  For example, many children often believe they have caused the fighting between their mother and father and many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.

Talking to children about a divorce is difficult, but necessary. The following suggestions can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

    * Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
    * Tell your child together.
    * Keep things simple and straight-forward.
    * Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
    * Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
    * Reassure your child that you both s till love them and will always be their parents.
    * Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.

Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.

Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent psychotherapist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child and adolescent psychotherapist can meet with the parents to help them learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful if deemed necessary.

Given the above considerations, one must then add the additional impact of cameras, third party influences, producers, and other non-natural elements which further complicate the process of a family "breaking up".  In other words, divorce is hard-enough without additional stressors such as being on national television. 

I suppose that if production could take into consideration all of the noted concerns and apply them in a careful and professional manner, the public could learn from such developments, but the immediate concerns for the children in this family must be placed on the top of the list before the children are exposed to such significant life changes at critical points in their lives.


cid:3297935160_33561026
Dr. Keith Kanner/
Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346



Published Friday, June 26, 2009 9:01 AM by drkanner
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About drkanner

Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.

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