
Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 29th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Check out Dr. Kanner's new website @ www.kanner.tv
Background: Just when
does too much reality become too much for children? Despite the
popularity of reality television, which has been increasing over the
recent years, not enough attention has been placed on the potential
negative effects that publically exposing personal struggles may have
on the mental health of children, especially young ones. On the recent
reality show, John & Kate Plus 8, the parents have decided that
they will be divorcing and the show will now focus on how the family
handles this significant transition media-style. Although showing
people the "real" effects of divorce on families and children may be
helpful to some, the children in this case are not old enough to give
their own personal consent for the production of this portion of the
show and the psychological effects of both the changes in the family
const
ellation and the additional impact of this
shown on national
television may or may not worsen the normal mourning process that all
children withstand when their parents divorce
.
How the Producers organize the family's transition is also going to be
significant in how the children handle the changes and may or may not
be in the best of interests for the children given they are at
different ages and stages of development. For example, it is my
understanding that the plan for production is that the parents are
going to follow a "nesting" option for the parents spending time with
the children. Nest
ing means that the children stay in the house and the parents then take
turns visiting. Apparently the plan is that each parent will spend one
week in and out of the house. This means that the children will be
away from each parent for 5 to 7 days at a time which is a major
transition from what they are used to and all nesting plans MUST take
into consideration the ages of the children due to their developmental
capacity to be away from their parents. In most cases, when children
are under the age of ten, week on and week off custody arrangements are
NOT recommended by professionals for it is too long for a small child
to be away from each parent. Most commonly, what is called a 2-2-5
plan is what most pediatric psychologists and even family law attorneys
recommend ( 2 days with each parent, and then an alteration of the
weekends), for this is considered the healthier choice.
It is unclear as to whether the production plans have been determined
by the Producers of the show or if there is some sort of professional
consultant overseeing such decisions. For the sake of the children in
this family, I hope that a specialist in child development has been
hired to look out for the impact that both the divorce and the
additional effects of television production will have on the health of
these innocent children. Here again brings up the pros and cons of
certain types of reality television concepts of shows. On the one
hand, divorce is real a
nd watching how others handle such changes can be helpful if they are
done in careful and sensitive manners. On the other hand, if such
measures are not followed, then one becomes concerned for exploiting
children for the sake of "good television". The latter is NOT in the
best interests of any child and should be avoided to prevent further
pain and suffering for any child who is going through a divorce process.
While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children
are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their
security. The age of the child when parent’s divorce is also
significant. For example, the effects of divorce are less intrusive
the younger the child. Children under the age of two usually do not
understand the concept of divorce and adapt easier than older children
who have bonded longer with their parents and also are able to
understand more of what might be in store given their parents are no
longer together. The children most affected by divorce are between the
ages of 4 and 14. During these ages, both parents play important
developmental functions in their child’s life and consistent time with
both parents is optimal. Parental fighting, custody issues, and the
introduction of new adults into the child’s life creates conflict and
often intense anxiety. “Loyalty Conflicts” commonly enter the picture
where the child often feels “stuck in the middle” and worries how one
p
arent will feel or act when the child spends time with the other To
further complicate matters, some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed
by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or
direction, placing the child in an unhealthy position.
Divorce
can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is
happening, how they are involved and not involved and what will happen
to them. For example, many children often believe they have caused the
fighting between their mother and father and many children assume the
responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by
sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental
illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents
through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths
can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal
constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.
Talking
to children about a divorce is difficult, but necessary. The following
suggestions can help both the child and parents with the challenge and
stress of these conversations:
* Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
* Tell your child together.
* Keep things simple and straight-forward.
* Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
* Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
* Reassure your child that you both s
till love them and will always be their parents.
* Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.
Parents
should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young
children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and
uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and
loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As
teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their
own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.
Children
will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be
their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is
ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or
pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for
the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows
that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the
child.
Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being
is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or
pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent
psychotherapist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child
and adolescent psychotherapist can meet with the parents to help them
learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire
family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing
parents, can be helpful if deemed necessary.
Given the above considerations, one must then add the additional impact
of cameras, third party influences, producers, and other non-natural
elements which further complicate the process of a family "breaking
up". In other words, divorce is hard-enough without additional
stressors such as being on national television.
I suppose that if production could take into consideration all of the
noted concerns and apply them in a careful and professional manner, the
public could learn from such developments, but the immediate concerns
for the children in this family must be placed on the top of the list
before the children are exposed to such significant life changes at
critical points in their lives.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
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