San Diego Community

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 28th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.

Background: This segment was written due to the request of a number of our San Diego 6 viewers.   If you have small children, then most likely you are familiar with your 2 to 4 year old demonstrating their frustration through the means of physicality, namely, hitting, biting, or kicking.  Such behaviors are typically expressed towards siblings, parents, and even peers, and is relatively “normal” up until the age of 5.  After 5 however, it is expected that a child is mature-enough to use their words to express frustration most of the time, and have developed the internal capacity to self-soothe, or calm themselves down enough to prevent more than occasional outbursts.

The underlying principal behind self-control in children is what is called “frustration-tolerance” which is not an inborn trait, but is learned from the way the child’s caretaker(s) help them manage their strong feelings in the first 3 years of life.  For example, parents or caregivers, who nurture their infants and toddlers through difficult times with soothing and caring, help their child internalize how this function works and over time, the child imitates this “external” function internally and it becomes both automatic and unconscious.  Such external “soothing” relates to the caregiver “taking away” periods of anxiety, fear, anger, and general discomfort through loving and empathic responses from the adults closest in their20lives.

Children who have this type of early parenting tend to develop into the healthiest children and adults and avoid serious psychological problems both in childhood and even later in their lives as adults.  Applying this concept to outburst such as hitting, kicking, and biting, this is the young child’s attempt to tell you that they are feeling overwhelmed with what is going on inside of them.  The watchful and attentive parent, validates the strong feeling of frustration to the child in a caring and empathic manner, but then sets limits against such “physical expressions” and “models” appropriate words in the place of the actions.  In addition, if there are external events which may prompt the frustration, such as a too violent television show, the parent or caregiver, also removes this variable to help their child not feel over-stimulated over and over again.  Other external events may also include a too physical sibling, a lack of attention, or even over-gratification.  Frequently, when an external condition that causes anxiety in young children is removed, they feel safer and their behavior calms down.

Temperament also plays an additional variable in the degree of how a child manages their level of frustration tolerance.  Strong willed, or spirited children, for example have a more difficult time internalizing the soothing function from caring adults whereby the “easy” or “happy” type of infant readily applies this function.  ; Parents with these “spirited” types have to work a bit harder in helping to soothe them, but in the long run, it will all pay off where the “strong-willed” type who develops solid impulse control tend to be the leaders and most successful given their inborn level of drive.  In every circumstance however, the parents and caregivers need to be patient and consistent during this invaluable time of development for infants and toddlers.

Key Points:

1. Hitting, biting, & kicking are “normal” developmentally from ages 2 to 5.
2. Once children internalize the capacity to self-soothe, their behavior calms.
3. Words replace actions for feelings of anxiety, frustration, and anger over time.
4. Stronger temperaments are more difficult to soothe, but tend to be the most successful.
5. Patience is necessary for parents during this very important time of development.