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Be sure to watch CW Television's Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday morning at 8:20 on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Also, check out his Tip Of The Day each morning on San Diego Living at 9:40am. His new radio show, Dr. Kanner & Company will be coming soon to AM/FM and WS-Radio. Stay tuned.
Background:
If you are like most parents, either this past week or next week is
your first parent-teacher conference of the year. Unlike in middle and
high school where such conferences no longer exist unless your child is
in serious trouble, the grade school parent-teacher conferences are of
vital importance and need to be taken VERY seriously by the parent.
This is due to the fact that learning is a developmental task that
begins early in a child's life and is influenced strongly by the
efforts of both the elementary school teacher and parent alike. The
development of interest in school, reading, organization, academic
responsibility and completion of tasks each have their origins in the
earliest years of school, something we child psychoanalysts called
"critical periods" and how the parent works in conjunction with the
teacher's observations and recommendations for the child will seriously
impact and shape the future academic success of that particular child.
As we all know, parenting is a full time job and having some outside
help is always refreshing and gives some breathing time, but parents
cannot rely on the teacher to be the only one who is responsible for
the academic success of a child. This is just not fair and if each
parent does not support the efforts and suggestions of each teacher, at
each conference, the child will sense the loophole and not necessarily
listen to the teacher and subsequently not learn and perform up to that
child's full capacity. This then becomes a personal shortcoming for
the child and could later result in lower self-esteem when it comes to
academic confidence. Furthermore, the child senses that the important
adults in their lives are not on the same page and some children might
also feel as though their parents "don't really care about them" if
they do not support the efforts of the well-intended teacher.
Many parents think that maturity will somehow kick in and their child
will all of a sudden become a scholar. Not true. Yes, some children
seem naturally interested in learning and school and some even come
"pre-wired" in terms of being organized and dedicated students. If you
have one of these children, you are blessed, for it is not the norm.
Children learn from the adults most important to them in their lives,
namely parents, teachers, coaches, and close family friend adults. By
grade school, boys and girls tend to further identify with the adult
of the same sex more than of the opposite sex. Therefore for the grade
school girls, they will look at their moms more seriously for academic
referencing than their dads and vice versa for the boys. This does not
mean that the opposite sex parent is NOT important for referencing, but
the 5 to 12 year old is developing very strong gender identifications
and if they have a parent of the same sex who is academically
interested and serious, there is a much greater chance that a child
will take on those traits before becoming that "tween" and "teen" who
wants to be different than both parents.
So, what do we do?
1. Take notes at the parent-teacher conference.
At my daughter's 5th grade conference this week, where she was actually
present, I wrote down everything her teacher suggested and made a list
of her classes, assignments, goals, expectations, and study-skill
recommendations. Expecting my bright daughter, as adorable as she is,
to educate me on these things is NOT expected for her age, so I knew I
needed to educate myself so I could help her.
2. Support the teacher.
Most parents are not trained teachers and do not fully grasp how a
child learns. Teachers are trained professionals in the learning field
and teach both our children and us how learning takes place and what
needs to be done to best help our children reach their academic
potentials. In addition, they see aspects of our children that we do
not because we do not go to school with them and typically see them in
a learning environment. We all really know that ignorance is truly NOT
bliss, and that the most educated people tend to be the most
successful, so listen to the teacher and implement what they suggest we
do at home to help our children.
3. Learning doesn't stop at school.
Homework is what it is. Working and learning at home. We all loathe
it, but there is far too much to learn about the world in a 6 hour day
at school, so we all need to make the effort to stay focused and get
through the task. When we as parents take homework seriously in grade
school children and reward the accomplishment of the tasks, most
children then habitually adapt to this type of schedule during the
middle and high school years and there tends to be less of a battle
than otherwise if parents do not enforce the necessity of homework and
studying.
4. Mandate a planner.
Most grade school teachers try to get their students to write down
their assignments in some sort of a planner and also have many of the
assignments on-line as a back-up. However, relying on a grade school
child to perform these tasks without their parent checking each and
everyday is a recipe for disaster. Be sure you tell your child that he
or she MUST write down their assignments, due dates, tests, and other
required assignments and show them to you everyday! In fact, I always
suggest that a typical homework day should go as follows:
1. a break after school with a good snack and some time for play or exercise.
2. a set homework time where: a) the child has a quiet and
distraction-free area with good light; b) they must show you what they
have to do that day and what the rest of their week plan will be; c)
they must show you that they fully completed the tasks before
finishing. Short breaks are fine provided you get them back on track.
3. a reward time after homework is over.
When parents demonstrate this type of investment in their child's
homework, the benefits are numerous, there is less fighting over time,
and the child's success builds into self-esteem and a liking for
school.
5. Help them when necessary.
It is always a good idea to let your child do their work if they truly
know how to do it, but most children need help in various areas, most
notably organization. Note taking, how to study for a test, how to
make and use flash cards for vocabulary words, are not genetically
based and are learned. So, do not be afraid to share some of your old
study tips that you learned when you were a kid. And, if you are rusty,
ask their teacher for some tips. As I read with my 10 year-old, we now
write down all of the words she does not know, put them on a 3x5 card
with the word on one side and the definition on the other and I keep
them in the car so when we are on a long drive, I have her teach me the
words and we have fun learning together.
6. Use the next parent-teacher conference as a check point for how both you and your child are doing.
I am stressing the point here that homework and studying during the
grade school years is a family affair. If WE do our homework, then our
children become more capable and independent during the middle school
and high school years. This does not mean that we are still not fully
invested and overseeing their "job" as a student, but if we invest
heavily during grade school, it will pay off for them and us.
You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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