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Background:
When 21 year old Ned announced to his parents upon recently graduating
from college that he wanted to move back home, his mother Samantha
jumped with joy and baked her infamous cherry pie for his arrival.
Ned's father Ted, however, became exasperated and abruptly took off for
a 3-day fishing trip with two of his closest friends. After returning
home after his fishing trip, Ted found Ned back in his old room, on his
old computer, listening to what appeared to be the same annoying music
Ned remembered Ted listened to for hours upon hours when in high
school. "It's like he never left", Ted shouted to Samantha, who
responded, "I know, it's great to have him home again". Obviously, Ted
and Samantha have very different feelings about their "adult" child
moving back home with them which is not very uncommon in the households
when the twentysomethings move back in with their parents after a
period of "leaving the nest".
In reference to number and figures, a 2000 Census poll revealed that 4
million people between the ages of 25 and 34 lived with their parents.
This broke down to 20% of 26 year olds evenly distributed between men
and women and although within these numbers, some never left home to
begin with, while 65% returned home after college. In fact, a 2003
Monster/Jobtrak poll found that 61% of college seniors planned to move
back home after graduating from college. Since 1970, the number of 18
to 24 year olds living with parents has increased 50% costing the
average parent and extra $2,000.00 per year.
These staggering numbers which have and are increasing year by year
have generated an area of study and a variety of names and terms to
describe this particular population. Such terms and names include:
Boomerang Kids; Kidults; Adultescents; Thresholders; Twixters and ;
B2Bs (Back To Bedroomers).
Within this population however are two different configurations: The
child who never left home and the child who has retuned home, though
the statistics lump both categories into one number. One configuration
is habitual where the other may be either a temporary condition or one
designed to be long standing depending upon the particular issues
involved. Before separating and analyzing these categories, it is
important to try to better understand the two basic issues which bring
adult children back home to their parents: Economic Vs. Personal.
The first explanation to describe the boomerang effect in the
literature is economic. Recent statistics indicate that 10.9% of 20 to
24 year olds are unemployed and have trouble obtaining jobs that
generate enough income to live independently. In addition, over 85% of
college students have student loans to repay after graduation.
According to Frank Furstenberg of the University of Pennsylvania, 30
years ago it was possible for a high school graduate to achieve a
middle class standard of living but no longer. Add to this are rising
costs, credit card debt, and the rise in inflation. Together, according
to Furstenberg's research, this promotes young adults to study longer,
marry later, and earn their own money more slowly. According to Linda
Perlman, author of "Mom, can I move back in with you", such conditions
have placed many parents into the unwanted and unhealthy position of a
"lifestyle Subsidizer", which can become long term if certain "rules"
and "plans" are not enforced including: 1) demands to obtain a job; 2)
developing a financial plan and budget; 3) taking personal
responsibility for themselves; and 4) functioning as an adult, not a
child when living with parents. In many of these cases, when these
requirements are enforced with the help of loving parents, the adult-
child feels and becomes more self-secure financially and
psychologically and moves out into independent living and formulating a
more healthy lifestyle as a young adult.
However, there is another category of the Boomerang Child which
involves deeper and longer standing internal issues which often have
nothing to do with economic parameters, but with fear and developmental
immaturity. It is within this group where there is resistance to
individuate and separate which can sometimes be due to dynamics within
the child which are also enabled by certain dynamics within the
parents. Within this group, the parents often then become
"permaparents" and the adult/child becomes a "permachild" or "kidadult"
which prevents both the adult-child and parent from moving ahead
developmentally into young adulthood and middle adulthood respectively.
Some argue that such "permaparenting" stems from the indulgence of an
immature and spoiled generation, while others argue that the cause is
due to certain factors within the parents not allowing them to let
their children grow and develop, while some look into the personal
psychodynamics within these particular types of children. As in most
conditions, there is most likely a combination of all such factors
giving rise to this type of manifestation. Many Sociologists however
relate this tend to issues having to do with the messages implicit
within both the BabyBoomer (1946-1964) and EchoBoomer (1979-1994)
generations where the trend was to "become more of a friend with one's
child, rather than their parent". Here, many within this camp suggest
this can explain why some parents and their children become "roommates"
and close friends. However, although many adults do live with their
adult children, most do not, which counters this as the dominant
explanation. It makes more sense to look into how the psychodynamics'
of the "permaparent" blends with the psychodynamics'' of the
"kidadult".
Psychodynamics' Of PermaParents:
1. very doting/loving parents
2. child is the center of their lives
3. a tendency to over indulge their child
4. do not emphasize separateness and individuation
5. possible depression/and or marital distress
Psychodynamics' of KidAdults:
1. self-doubt
2. a lack of individualism
3. a sense of entitlement
4. fear
5. a lack of vocational guidance
The interaction of these dynamics seem to better explain the "Failure"
for both the parent and child to respectively "launch" into their
expected and necessary levels of normal development which ultimately
negatively effects both of their futures and psychological well being.
To break such a pattern, both parties need to understand their internal
conflicts and come up with a plan to help both get on track
developmentally. To do so, the parents need to:
1. make the return home temporary
2. help their child feel capable of being independent
3. assist in financial planning/stability
4. assist in vocational training if necessary
5. continue to be loving and encouraging
6. plan their own lives as middle adults
For the Young Adult, he or she needs to:
1. gain confidence in taking care of themselves
2. plan their future
3. work towards financial independence
4. practice independent lifestyle skills
When the parent and child alike focus on these goals, both will become
more comfortable with living independently and will welcome visits with
one another which will be less stressful and more contemporary as two
sets of functioning adults. It is at this time when parents and
children become more alike developmentally and can share commonalties
as independent, mutually supportive, and loving family members.
Preventing the Boomerang to begin with:
1. help your children feel confident and independent when in adolescence
2. teach them self-nurturing skills early
3. don't over-induldge them
4. be supportive, positive, and encouraging
5. set limits when necessary to promote good choices
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
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Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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