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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday, July 6th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - CW. Also, check out his NEW website at www.kanner.tv
Background: Another
international legend dies tragically early in his life leaving behind
an array of feelings from sadness and anger all the way to curiosity.
At the present time, it is unclear as to the cause of his death, but
signs seem to indicate that drug use and perhaps abuse may have been
the ultimate cause of his demise. Like many talented individuals,
Michael had his own demons. But, in the minds of his millions of fans,
Michael’s talents, strengths, and contributions to the arts will not
only remain intact but will likely grow and intensify in the months and
years to come, and his shortcomings will lay low as compared to his
many attributes. Similar to Elvis, Michael will become even more
idolized after dying then when he was alive. Don’t be surprised if the
“moon walk”, or that “white glove”, comes back into the music and
artistic worlds as a way to highlight the many contributions that Jacko
had on pop culture over many decades. CD sales have gone off the charts
in the last week and the Thriller video is being played in various
clubs throughout the world. Ironically, he was about to make a come
back by going on a 50 city tour in order to repair his reputation,
attempt to pay off his debts, and remind everyone of the true artist he
always was, only to die before attempting to perhaps make a mends with
his fans.
However, as with all true legends, the impressions and changes that
Michael Jackson brought to culture will solidify in the years to come
and people will continue to not only remember him, but likely hold
tightly to his talents, not his faults. Why is this? Not to condone
his personal issues, but Social Psychology teaches us that people
identify better with people, especially celebrities, who are “human” as
well as icons. In other worlds, legends always hold a special place in
everyone’s hearts, but even more so for the ones who have struggles or
blunders, for it makes them look like a “real person” who everyone can
identify with and also has very personal attachments to anyone who has
been directly influenced by Michael.
As the story of his death unfolds, there will be an intensification of
sympathy and empathy for Michael and a natural tendency to “blame”
external reasons for his death will come into play as a means of
preserving his legendary status, similar to the Anna Nicole story. The
most likely target for such blame will be his personal physician who
was apparently caring for him up to the time that he died. This
movement to “blame” is a defense against feeling the pain of losing an
individual who made others have hope, dreams, and faith that they too
can overcome hardship and crises themselves. Michaels song “Man In The
Mirror” capitalizes on people needing to look at themselves first
before relying on others to change. This sends a powerful message
about self-responsibility and self-struggle which everyone identifies
with. In other words, true legends make others feel good and push
people to strive forward not backwards, and because of this personal
affiliation, there is a common tendency to preserve the legend as it is
a way to heal and push oneself forward to their highest potential.
Legends, such as Jacko, become parts of everyone. Michael’s dancing,
music, and even style, has been internalized by millions where his
attributes become part of others. Anyone who knows how to moonwalk,
dance to the Thriller video, or can recite his songs, have been stung
by the Michael “bug” and this will remain intact and frequently
revisited as his fans mourn his contributions. This helps to explain
why millions are mourning his death and are flocking to L.A. to see his
home and attend a funeral or viewing on his behalf.
As time passes, Michael will continue to be missed, but his gifts will
live on in the minds and hearts of anyone who was influenced by pop
music, which is just about anyone and everyone.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 29th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Check out Dr. Kanner's new website @ www.kanner.tv
Background: Just when
does too much reality become too much for children? Despite the
popularity of reality television, which has been increasing over the
recent years, not enough attention has been placed on the potential
negative effects that publically exposing personal struggles may have
on the mental health of children, especially young ones. On the recent
reality show, John & Kate Plus 8, the parents have decided that
they will be divorcing and the show will now focus on how the family
handles this significant transition media-style. Although showing
people the "real" effects of divorce on families and children may be
helpful to some, the children in this case are not old enough to give
their own personal consent for the production of this portion of the
show and the psychological effects of both the changes in the family
const ellation and the additional impact of this shown on national
television may or may not worsen the normal mourning process that all
children withstand when their parents divorce .
How the Producers organize the family's transition is also going to be
significant in how the children handle the changes and may or may not
be in the best of interests for the children given they are at
different ages and stages of development. For example, it is my
understanding that the plan for production is that the parents are
going to follow a "nesting" option for the parents spending time with
the children. Nest
ing means that the children stay in the house and the parents then take
turns visiting. Apparently the plan is that each parent will spend one
week in and out of the house. This means that the children will be
away from each parent for 5 to 7 days at a time which is a major
transition from what they are used to and all nesting plans MUST take
into consideration the ages of the children due to their developmental
capacity to be away from their parents. In most cases, when children
are under the age of ten, week on and week off custody arrangements are
NOT recommended by professionals for it is too long for a small child
to be away from each parent. Most commonly, what is called a 2-2-5
plan is what most pediatric psychologists and even family law attorneys
recommend ( 2 days with each parent, and then an alteration of the
weekends), for this is considered the healthier choice.
It is unclear as to whether the production plans have been determined
by the Producers of the show or if there is some sort of professional
consultant overseeing such decisions. For the sake of the children in
this family, I hope that a specialist in child development has been
hired to look out for the impact that both the divorce and the
additional effects of television production will have on the health of
these innocent children. Here again brings up the pros and cons of
certain types of reality television concepts of shows. On the one
hand, divorce is real a
nd watching how others handle such changes can be helpful if they are
done in careful and sensitive manners. On the other hand, if such
measures are not followed, then one becomes concerned for exploiting
children for the sake of "good television". The latter is NOT in the
best interests of any child and should be avoided to prevent further
pain and suffering for any child who is going through a divorce process.
While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children
are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their
security. The age of the child when parent’s divorce is also
significant. For example, the effects of divorce are less intrusive
the younger the child. Children under the age of two usually do not
understand the concept of divorce and adapt easier than older children
who have bonded longer with their parents and also are able to
understand more of what might be in store given their parents are no
longer together. The children most affected by divorce are between the
ages of 4 and 14. During these ages, both parents play important
developmental functions in their child’s life and consistent time with
both parents is optimal. Parental fighting, custody issues, and the
introduction of new adults into the child’s life creates conflict and
often intense anxiety. “Loyalty Conflicts” commonly enter the picture
where the child often feels “stuck in the middle” and worries how one
p
arent will feel or act when the child spends time with the other To
further complicate matters, some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed
by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or
direction, placing the child in an unhealthy position.
Divorce
can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is
happening, how they are involved and not involved and what will happen
to them. For example, many children often believe they have caused the
fighting between their mother and father and many children assume the
responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by
sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental
illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents
through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths
can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal
constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.
Talking
to children about a divorce is difficult, but necessary. The following
suggestions can help both the child and parents with the challenge and
stress of these conversations:
* Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
* Tell your child together.
* Keep things simple and straight-forward.
* Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
* Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
* Reassure your child that you both s
till love them and will always be their parents.
* Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.
Parents
should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young
children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and
uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and
loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As
teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their
own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.
Children
will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be
their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is
ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or
pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for
the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows
that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the
child.
Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being
is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or
pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent
psychotherapist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child
and adolescent psychotherapist can meet with the parents to help them
learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire
family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing
parents, can be helpful if deemed necessary.
Given the above considerations, one must then add the additional impact
of cameras, third party influences, producers, and other non-natural
elements which further complicate the process of a family "breaking
up". In other words, divorce is hard-enough without additional
stressors such as being on national television.
I suppose that if production could take into consideration all of the
noted concerns and apply them in a careful and professional manner, the
public could learn from such developments, but the immediate concerns
for the children in this family must be placed on the top of the list
before the children are exposed to such significant life changes at
critical points in their lives.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic this Monday, June 22nd @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - CW.
Background: The last
thing that children want to think about over the summer is school.
After all, in their minds, they work very hard during the school year
and deserve a break. In a real sense, they are right and a balanced
summer filled with a combination of relaxation, socialization, fun
activities, and family time is essential for the optimal development of
children and adolescents. As I have discussed before, summertime
presents a time to invest in activities that might not be possible
during the school year and may be the only opportunity for children to
learn new tasks and further expand upon their peer relationships.
However, the summer usually goes by quickly and when children do not
keep their academic minds active when school is not in session, they
may be "rusty" or at least more resistant to get back into school in
the Fall. In fact, many children who have to go to summer school are
actually sometimes better prepared to take on the academics once their
vacation is over. Furthermore, as each grade in school progresses, the
difficulty of the work increases as well as the homework and the
expectation is that the children have learned and mastered the material
from the year before and are ready to move forward. Given the typical
minds of children, integration of academic material is a process over
time and requires practice and repetition and gaps in review make the
recall of previously learned material more difficult which may cause
anxiety and insecurity in many children.
Most academics suggest that reading is the single most important
activity that children and adults alike can do to keep their intellect
consistent or even advanced. However, presenting reading to children
over the summer is usually not well received for it feels too much like
school. Parents therefore, have to somehow make the activity either
fun or part of the family routine. I have always been an advocate of a
family reading time. Here, a particular time is set aside in the house
where the television, computer, game systems, and cell phones are off,
and everyone has a book that they are reading over the summer.
Children take their leads from their parents, so if reading becomes a
family tradition, most children will adopt the activity.
It is always a good idea to keep close by the academic materials of
your child from the previous school year in order to do a brief review
a few weeks before school resumes in the Fall. Here, the parent is
helping their child "brush up" on the most current academic material
from the previous grade. Although most schools spend the first week or
two of the new school year reviewing, when this is done is a fun and
casual manner at home beforehand, the child feel well-prepared and
begins the new school year with a sense of confidence which might then
translate into greater success.
Other creative activities such as music, art, and other learning camps
also exercise the mind over the summer and do well when mixed with some
sport and relaxation. Once again, balance is key in helping children
stay on top of their busy lives.
Key Points:
1. Reading is the best way to keep children's minds active over the summer
2. 2 weeks before school starts, spend some time reviewing the previous school year material
3. Children who feel the most prepared for the Fall get off to the best start
4. Balance the summer with some learning and some fun
Dr Keith Kanner
Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News - CW
San Diego Living Show
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, June 15th @ 8:20am on San Diego6 News In The Morning.
Background:
Summertime is an opportunity for children to enrich aspects of their
lives that might not be possible during the school year, including
social development. For most parents, concern about their children
developing successful
friendships is as important as academic dedication and solid morals and
family values. But, as all adults realize, friendships are both
complicated and confusing especially for children as most do not
understand that friends are anything but perfect and at times can be
very supportive, but at other times either overly competitive or
envious. By adolescence, most boys and girls take this into stride and
manage to accept ups and downs in their friendships as “normal” unless
or course there is a break-up with their best friend (BF) or a
boyfriend or girlfriend which can feel overwhelming.
Aside from the imperfection of any friendship, is also differences in
how the temperament or personality of the child will affect how they
interact with others. For example, outgoing children, who do not get
easily upset, tend to have an easier time developing friendships then
children who are either shy or easily upset by misfortune. Much of
this is constitution
al, or genetic, but at other times can be based on
learning, bad experiences, or modeling how significant people in their
lives manage their friendships. Here, children often imitate the type
of friendships that the parent of the same sex maintain, whether their
mother or father are successful in their interpersonal lives and manage
their own conflicts with others.
Another important variable is the type of person a child chooses to
befriend and in some cases, the child will seek out a “healthy” friend
or group, but in other cases not make such good choices. This is often due
to unconscious motivations based on their relationships with their
parents or siblings. As people, we naturally tend to repeat patterns
in hopes of undoing or changing previous experiences in hopes of making them better or because they are familiar. As a example,
many negative friendships that brew in childhood and adolescence are
based on trying to “change” a person who reminds them or someone
significant in their life, such as a competitive brother or sister.
Here, we see children befriending someone who may not be very nice to
them and the child who is trying to heal a previously negative tries
each and every avenue to try to get that person to “like and accept
them” to no avail and becomes saddened and hurt when their best efforts
fail. The motivation here is to be liked by someone who may have too
much animosity towards them and it becomes an impossible task.
On the
other hand, many children naturally pick healthy and positive friends
and escape social problems.
Parents though can help this process by teaching their children
appropriate social skills as soon as their child has attained enough
maturity to play with others, something that we call “cooperative play”
which is usually possible by the 2nd year of pre-school. Before this,
children naturally play aside from other children until they develop
enough understanding of another person’s feelings to play together. It
is at the cooperative play period where parents can really help. Most
parents allow their children to naturally play with others which is
optimal provided their are few conflicts evident based again on both
their child’s natural temperament and also positive experiences with
their relationships with their parents and watching how their parents
interact with each other and other adults. On the other hand, if a
parent notices struggles with their child interacting with others, this
is where the parent needs to step in and help them navigate conflict
and resolution.
As a general rule, I always suggest that between the ages of 3 and 6,
when a parent arranges a play date, he or she sits down with the two
children and set some basic standards about how their should play
together and also have some limits about both the types of games they
may play and also specify what location they should play within – this
“structure”20then helps set the stage for a successful play time which
then becomes learned and hopefully repeated. Some of these basic
“rules” should include: sharing; taking turns choosing activities;
being kind; expressing in words when they are feeling upset; and the
parent being available if the conflict becomes too intense for the
children to manage. When this occurs, the parent then validates that
both children are upset and frustrated, normalize that this is normal
in friendships, and then try to get the children to appropriately talk
to one another about their feelings, and come up with a resolution.
These skills are not innate, but learned from parents and teachers,
both the point is that children need social skill training as much as
learning how to master academic material.
As mentioned earlier, the choice of friendships come from two areas:
previous experiences, good or negative; and the observation of how
their parents get along with each other and their adult friends.
Remember, children identify with their parents and idealize them and
their actions, we as adults are often guided to befriend certain
individuals who may not be very nice for wishes to “change them or make
them like us”. Children do the same thing. Making clear to children
what is important in a healthy friendship is also very important and
should be discussed early. Such characteristics should be:
- someone who really likes them for who they are
- has good morals and family values
- manages conflict in a reasonable fashion
- has the tendency to give and receive
- can tolerate ups and downs in a friendship
- has many commonalities, rather than differences with your child
When children, and adults, choose friends who are either too dissimilar
of too competitive and envious, the friendship will be continually
troublesome and may interfere with both your and your child’s self-esteem and
academic or occupational performance.
Despite the best efforts of parents to help foster healthy social
skills, some children may need an extra boost from an outside source.
Many schools have social skill groups conducted by school counselors
and many professionals have groups designed for such efforts. Check
with your child’s school for such groups and I have a list of referrals
on my website here on San Diego 6 for consideration if necessary.
Key Points:
- parents need to set the stage early for social skill interaction
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help your child and their play date learn how to play together
- help your child learn how to manage conflict resolution early in their development
- get your child to express their feelings in words with both you and their friends
- encourage friends who are more alike than different than your child to decrease competition
- model good reciprocal friendships in your lives for your child to observe
- get some outside help early if necessary.
 
Dr. Keith Kanner
l
Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV
l
Bay City Television
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
San Diego Living Show
(:
(619) 261.2346
8:
Dr.Kanner@sandiego6.com
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner's award winning show on San Diego 6 News In The Morning this Monday, June 8th @ 8:20am.
Background: Over the
past few years, children and adolescent cell phone interests and
desires have become intense, where a recent statistic shows that two
out of every five youths in the U.S. between the ages of eight and
eighteen own a cell phone. Furthermore, students in grades seven
through twelve spend an average of an hour a day on their cell phones,
which is about the same amount of time this age group spends on
homework. Due to the convenience and size of cell phones, it is almost
as if it serves as a mobile means of "instant messaging" (IMing) their
friends when away from their computers.
Two important questions come to mind. First, why do children and
adolescents wish to spend so much time on their cellular phones? and
second, is there a connection between amount of time spent on these
phones and negative consequences or pathological indications? In
reference to the first question, children and adolescents are social
creatures and because of developmental needs and changes desire
frequent contact with their friends. As mentioned in previous segments,
once a child reaches school age ( 6 or 7), they are attempting to
become more independent from their parents and turn to their friends
for support and love, especially during times of distress. This helps
us understand why many youths wish to communicate frequently which is
not necessarily a negative sign, as long as the communication does not
interfere with important tasks of the youth, such as paying attention
in class or getting their homework finished. Furthermore, the use of
"text messaging" is similar to the dynamics involving "instant
messaging". Here, communication is made with less direct social
interaction and without having to speak which for many is less
anxiety-provoking that face to face or ear to ear means of contact.
Referencing the question concerning amount of time spent on these
phones, a recent study presented at a meeting of the American
Psychiatric Association, actually found some interesting findings.
According to this study and one other from South Korea, a correlation
was determined by the amount of time spent of these phones and clinical
symptoms of depression and anxiety. Correlation's were also found
between amount of time on the phone and issues related to self-esteem
and self-identity. In one of the studies involving 575 high school
students, clinical significance related to depression, anxiety, and
self-esteem issues were evident when this group used their phones more
than 90 times a day as compared to students who were on the phone 70
times or less per day. Here, it almost seems that over-cell phone use
can be used as a measure of mental health.
Aside from the potential use of cell phone behaviors as an indicator of
mental health, these phone can also be distractions from important
activities that our children and adolescents need to accomplish, such
as paying attention in class, and getting their homework completed. On
the other hand however, peer communication, when not in the extreme, is
an important sign of normal mental health. It seems to be a matter of
degree of appropriate usage.
In conclusion, "the teen obsession with yakking, text messaging, and
ring tone swapping on their cell phones might mean more than mere
distraction and a whopping phone bill." According to these recent
studies, over-usage can be a sign of unhappiness or anxiety and parents
need to be aware of these dynamics and findings.
Key Points:
1. over-usage might indicate depression/anxiety or low self-esteem
2. cell phones can be too distracting at times
3. place limits on usage if necessary
4. consider a "time-off" period where cell phones are turned off at the same time each day and night to help kids remain focused
Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic this Monday, June 1st @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
With
summer just around the corner, a wonderful opportunity becomes
available for time spent with children without the battles of homework
and organized sports tainting the air. It is true that as working
parents, we will still have ongoing commitments, but our children will
be looking for our investment in their interests, ideas, and
activities. For many parents, this may catch them off guard as we are
used to being put aside due to our children's busy schedules, or they
may not make the time to play with their children because they are not
sure what type of play is best.
For 8 year-old Tom, his life is relatively typical for a boy
his age. He goes to school, plays many sports, has a number of
collections, and has friends. He shares his experiences openly with
his mother, Gloria, who seems engaged and connected to him which makes
Tom feel much loved and secured by his mother's attachment to him. On
the other hand, his relationship with his father, Bill, is strained and
distant. Although Tom's father does not
have to travel much
with his job and is home most evenings before Tom and his sister go to
bed, a disconnect, or lack of connection is evident between Tom and his
father leaving this boy feeling disappointed and saddened by the
present relationship he has with his father.
Bill, Tom's father states openly that he "loves being a father", but
will also state that it has also been stressful for him. For one
thing, it has been a struggle for him balancing time for himself with
time spent with his children. Bill has a 40+ hour per week occupation
and by the end of the day is understandably tired. When he walks in
the door at home at the end of the day, both Tom and his sister smother
him and want his undivided attention for they have missed him during
the day. This puts Bill in a bind; he is tired and stressed, but also
feels as though he should spend some time with his children. The
result is strained interaction which leaves Tom feeling bad that he has
annoyed his father. Another variable which makes it difficult for Bill
to interrelate with Tom is a feeling as though he cannot understand
Tom's experiences based on his young age. "It's really hard to
understand an 8-year old for me. I look forward to when he is older so
he can talk to me more like an adult."
Terri is a full time mother
who also has an internet clothing business. Often time, she is busy
trying to make sales while her two children play aimlessly around the
house. Often times, they hurt each other or fight like wild dogs which
drives Terri crazy. When the behaviors become extreme, she then puts
down her computer and begins to discipline the children which makes
them stop. She then returns to her computer and the fights continue.
This is a good example of what I call "Arm Chair Parenting" and is a
doomed to fail. What Terri does not realize is that her children are
showing her their anger for her lack of investment in their lives. As
small children, they are not internally aware that they are feeling sad
and ignored by their mother, but internally, they feel sad and
externalize their feelings by fighting as an unconscious attempt to ask
their mother to play with them. Obviously , Terri needs to fulfill
her obligations for her job, but just like we explain to our children,
their is a time for work, and a time for play. This adage applies to
adults just as much as children. In all liklihood, if Terri were to
pick up on her children's cues, and began to play with them for awhile,
or make special time to do so, her children would feel satisfied and
calm down. Once engaged in some other structured or fun activity,
Terri could then return to her computer.
The above vignette s
are common stor ies for many families in that the task of parenting can be both the most rewarding, yet stressful expe rience
for many adults. Becoming a parent is a developmental achievement for
adults that shifts them into a more advanced level of development
filled with challenges and tasks. Many adults will express that having
a child is the single most remarkable experience in life and immerse
themselves in the process, while others feel pleased with the process,
but struggle with both the stresses and capacity to understand
what goes on in the minds of children and adolescents and how important they are in learning about life, themselves, and the world around them.
For the child, having an invested, loving, understanding, and
available parent contributes to both an internalized sense of love and
confidence as well as becomes a marker for premier psychological
functioning and success in the future. For both boys and g irls, the
relationship they have with the same-sex parent also is significant in
the establishment of gender identity and interpersonal or social
performance for this parent is their ideal as to what they aspire to be
like inn future years. In other words, this parent becomes the "hero"
for the child. Therefore, when the relationship is strained or
distanced, the effect can be detrimental to the child.
Many parents do not understand how their interaction, attitude, and
investment in their children serves as the most vital predictors for
their child's psychological development and future success. Many rely
too heavily on schools and other external avenues to help their child
mature and grow. The truth, however, is that
the relationship with the parents is the single most important
relationship and learning opportunity for any child and will have a
significant impact on both the child's everyday life as well as molding
their personality overe the years as they become independent adults.
The old adage "parenting is the toughest job in the world" is a truism
as well as the one stating that "parenting is the most rewarding exper ience
in the world" as parents experience their offspring blossom ad become
self-functioning. Taking both of these into consideration, the more
that the parent can learn about child and adolescent development, the
uniqueness of their child, and try to connect themselves to their child
through each stage of their development, the outcome for both the child
and parent alike is optimal and rewarding.
To provide for this opportunity, however, certain measures must be considered:
1. Familiarize yourself with child and adolescent development.
There are various books available for parents on all aspects on each
stage of development, such as the series of developmental books through
the American Academy of Pediatrics and ones published by T. Barry
Brazelton and Peneloppe Leach.
2. Make an effort to get to know your child. Look at their artwork,
read their stories, attend school-related activities, and ask them
about their interests and let them teach you things.
3. Make time to spend time alone with them apart from other children
and your spouse. Children love one-on-one time with a parent for they
do not have to share any attention.
4. Take care of yourself. Each parent needs to balance self-care
with caring for their child. The healthy adult who can take care of
both their own physical and psychological needs is both more capable of
giving more to their children as well as setting an important model for
healthy adult development. If Bill, for example, in the vignette was
able to perhaps find a time to exercise during his day, and debrief
himself on his way home from work, his attitude and demeanor once home
might be more relaxed and loving, which would be beneficial for both
Tom and Bill alike.
5. Use this summer as an opportunity to spend time and give plenty of
attention to your children while the stresses of school are off the
table. Your kids will be a bit bored this summer with the loss of
structure, so consider filling some of it with you!
Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
|
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live tomorrow morning, Wednesday May 26, 2009 @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: First there is graduation day and then, in just a few months, many San Diego young adults will be
leaving the comfort of their homes, family, and friends to embark upon
a new stage in their lives - "the life of college". On the surface,
many state excitement,relief, and motivation, but just beneath the
surface is some anxiety based on the unknown and having to face the
newfound tasks of Young Adulthood. Going away to college is much more
than merely going to a "bigger" school and having to "work harder". It
involves greater independence and required self-sufficiency which many
have never experienced due to the common and needed involvement of
family helping them with daily tasks such as cooking, laundry, and
finance. Becky, a 17 year old student on her way to University of
Arizona, recently realized that she did not know how to do her own
laundry; Steven, a freshman-to-be at Berkeley, has never owned an alarm
clock because he has been used to his parents waking him up every
morning to get ready for school; Sally, excited about starting UCLA in
the Fall, has never had her own checking account and debit card stating
that this was "something I never really thought about until now";
Peter, has never had a girlfriend or been on a date. In fact, he was so
dedicated to his studies in order to get into Harvard, he never went to
a single party or dance in high school. He recently stated: "how do you
talk to girls?"
Leaving home thrusts the Adolescent into a new stage of
development: Young Adulthood and additionally shifts parents into a
further stage of Middle Adulthood. Both of these new stages involve
greater tasks and adjustment to a new life phase. For the Young Adult,
being on their own makes them more personally accountable and having to
rely on their personal knowledge, experience, and intuition to get
through each and every day. The Young Adult who has greater knowledge
and experience based on some preparedness, tends to adjust better and
faster than the ones who do not have such knowledge. Research indicates
that the adjustment to the first year of college is much more about
adjusting to being independent and outside the comfort of their family,
than the academic requirements of college itself. It is common for the
college freshman to call home frequently, become homesick, ask a lot of
questions, and still need mom and dad to help them adjust to this new
time in their lives. In fact, the students who are least
psychologically and practically prepared can become depressed and in
some cases have to return closer to home to complete their college
experience.
Parents who truly understand this shift and work together in
advance with their growing son or daughter to become prepared, leave
their child in a better condition than the parents who believe that
their job is over and their child is "out of their nest". Sitting down
in advance and having discussions about leaving home, practically
setting up important living essentials, such as a checking account, and
reviewing situations and independent tasks is essential as well as
making more than one visit, if possible, to the new "college home"
prior to leaving in the Fall in order to become better acquainted and
familiar with a new environment. Parents also need to go visit, at
least a few times if possible, during freshman year just to make sure
everything is going well and to be supportive to their son or daughter.
For the parents, having their child leave home is bittersweet.
On the one hand, there is a sense of feeling proud and happy for their
child that they have survived adolescence, but there is also a sense of
loss that a bedroom and place at the dinner table is empty. Coming home
for a holiday is not the same as them living at home - college is their
new home as it represents their future as an independent adult. Here,
the parent is also having to change and grow based on loss. Shifting
into a new stage of adulthood means reviewing life's goals and desires.
For many couples, children leaving home allows for greater intimacy
that had been on hold for a number of years due to the important
investment of parenting. Opportunities can now arise for time together
embarking on reviving aspects in the adult relationship that were
placed on hold. After Tom and Susie dropped off their daughter Zoe at
U.C. Santa Barbara, they decided to take the coast highway home and
ended up spontaneously stopping for two nights in Big Sur for a little
vacation. "Wow, stated Susie, we haven't been able to do that for 17
years! that was fun!".
Changing and shifting developmentally is both exciting and a
little scary. It also involves some mourning of the "old days" which we
see when those high school students and parents cry at graduation and
after dropping off their new adult at college. Families who talk about
these changes and plan ahead accordingly adapt best to these new stages
of development and better relish with new opportunities. Many parents
boast with how mature their child has become when they come to visit
from college. "They seem so grown up......they are actually nice to
us......they help clean up.....they even ask how we are doing.........I
thought none of us were going to make it through Adolescence, but now
we are closer than ever, like we were when they were little
kids.........."
Key Points:
1. going off to college is a complete developmental shift
2. change is both exciting yet scary
3. anticipation and planning ahead is essential
4. relationships with children become more contemporary over time
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
|
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live on Monday, May 18th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
With summer right round the corner, parents are busy finding camps and
activities for their children to participate in so their summer is both
enjoyable and productive. I have always emphasized the notion of a
"balanced summer", whereby children are both engaged in structured
activities building various skills from sports, arts, music, academics,
and just plain fun time with their friends. But, in addition, the
importance of "family time" is essential. Children need to spend time
with their parents and families irrespective of age. Despite the
adolescents wanting "space" and "independence", as a normal and natural
developmental achievement, they still need to be with their parents in
order to feel loved, admired, and guided when necessary.
One of the basic problems with "family time", has been finding
something for everyone to enjoy. This element is key if the time is
going to be one that flows well and builds relationships, rather than
strain them. Your Family Matters has historically focused on optimal
vacations and outings for the entire family as I have tested various
venues with my own children over the years and reported my experiences
here at San Diego 6 News and on my blog. For past stories, please
visit my blog at sandiego6.com under Dr. Kanner's Recommendations.
In the past, I have reported on family cruises, various resorts, and
other local and non-local venues and have found some terrific places
and events for the entire family. The emphasis here is that the choice
of vacation or outing has to be agreed upon by the entire family and is
filled with activities for all to enjoy. It is important to discuss
this as far in advance as possible in order to both firm up
reservations and also give the kids something to look forward to as we
go through the present state of "Spring Fever".
Last month, I discussed a weekend outing with my 3 kids and we decided
on Universal Studios. We had never been there and both my 3 and myself
had different interests in visiting the venue. My friends at the
Sheraton Universal set us up in a beautiful room and arranged for us to
visit the park. Although we did not do the VIP tour, the regular
events were wonderful and all of my children had a blast and I had fun
also. I will have various pictures up on our Blog here at San Diego 6
in the next few days, but the main point here was that we all planned
the trip ahead of time together and because everyone felt included, the
trip was a success.
Parents always ask me about bringing friends on vacations and I always
respond with it depends. If you feels as though your child will have a
much better time if they bring a friend, then it might not be a bad
idea. However, if your choice of a venue has enough for everyone, you
may not need to bring a friend for your child to enjoy the activities.
Speaking of activities, aside from picking a place with lots to do,
parents also need to bring their own "bag of tricks" with them for
those moments of "down time" or between activities. I always keep
games, toys, art supplies, extra clothes in my car, just in case they
are needed to uplift some spirits or help my kids feel invested in
something fun or creative, as this is when children are the most
content, especially when they feel as though their parents understand
them and their needs. So, plan those family outings with your kids,
and enjoy learning and laughing together.
Key Points:
1. Don't forget family time over the summer.
2. Plan such events with your kids and get their input.
3. Family time has to have something for everyone in order to be successful.
4. Consider letting them bring friends if necessary.
5. Don't forget that "bag of tricks" for the down times.
 Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, May 11th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
I asked one of my adolescent patients yesterday if he had been
thinking about summer vacation and he very quickly responded with "in
28 days, 7 hours, and 13 minutes, i'm free!". Obviously, summer had
been on his mind, as it is for most if not all school-age, middle
school, and high school students who are "gutting out" the last month or
so of their school year. Given his excitement, I had to ask how he was
doing with his grades and he proudly expressed that he was still
getting all A's even with vacation on his mind. Curiously, I
inquired as to what was keeping him going and he told me 3 things:
"encouragement, incentive, and fear".
From the "encouragement side", he
explained that both his friends and parents were supporting the
difficult balance of taking school seriously with the excitement of summer around the
corner, but knowing that both his friends were in the same boat, and
even his parents expressed their empathy of having to stay focused with
the advent of vacation in reach.
"Incentive" he told me was communicated
in two ways. In the first, his mother has been bringing him fresh homemade
cookies while studying which he jokingly told me that he cannot resist.
Although he told me that he sort of feels like a dog being rewarded
for a trick, her approach is working and he is performing. The other
mode of incentive, again introduced by his parents, was a number of
positive events to look forward to over the summer if he keeps his
grades up for this last month. Such included driving lessons, a later
curfew, and even a $100 I-Tunes gift card.
The "fear factor" he
explained was conveyed by his mother that she would basically "kill
him" ( not in a literal sense), if he blew his grades given this is the
second semester of his junior year with college applications
coming up in the Fall. He expressed to me that even though she was
"acting postal", that she did have a point and that her attitude about
this had been consciously on his mind every time he thought about
blowing off his homework.
I asked him which of the 3 factors were the
most helpful to him and he told me it was the cookies, but I think he
may have been reluctant to admit that he was actually more afraid of
his 5'2 cookie yielding mother!
Irrespective of which of the 3 factors are the most effective, the
point is that the method is working and we can learn something from
this example about how to best help children stay focused academically
when a summer vacation is up and coming. Expecting most children or
adolescents to stay focused without some outside influence when
exciting advents are on their mind is a recipe for disaster for their
minds are not yet fully capable of self-managing themselves without the
help of caring and present parents. In my patient's case, his parents
took the initiative of approaching him rather than awaiting a problem
to manifest and it seems that he will complete the school year with a
good feeling about himself and go into summer feeling successful. No
guilt for this young man that he did not give it his all and he will
also develop a sense of earning good things for his efforts.
So, how can we help kids stay on top if their studies with summer
knocking on the door? loving support, limits and boundaries, and lots
of cookies!
Tips To Keep Kids Focused:
1. approach them with an understanding of their plight and be loving
2. find small tokens to keep them focused
3. place incentives ahead of them
4. set limits and boundaries if necessary to help them stay in the game
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, May 4th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - The NEW CW -
Background: "Pandemic",
"death", "school closures" and more, have been terms and conditions
created by the identification of the Swine Flu virus over the past two
weeks. Evolving and spreading from Mexico, many fear that this "strain"
of virus is "The One", which will cause the deaths of thousands, if not
millions of people". A similar concept is that "The Big" California
earthquake is on its way to do similar damage. Such poignant
statements stem from both fear and a tendency to find events, actions,
and other phenomena to help "cope" with fears or concerns about other
life events. In other words, it can be a distraction. The facts about
this particular virus stated by the CDC is that: "Like seasonal flu,
swine flu can vary in severity from mild to severe. Between 2005 until
January 2009, 12 human cases of swine flu were detected in the U.S.
with no deaths occurring. However, swine flu infection can be
serious. In September 1988, a previously healthy 32-year-old pregnant
woman in Wisconsin was hospitalized for pneumonia after being infected
with the swine flu and died 8 days later. A swine flu outbreak in Fort
Dix, New Jersey occurred in 1976 that caused more than 200 cases with
serious illness in several people and one death." The summary of this
is that, like any flu, the illness can range from mild to severe and in
rare cases, deaths can occur. Most of the cases that have been
reviewed in journals where individuals actually die from a flu was
because medical attention was not immediately sought when serious
symptoms were experienced, or medical intervention was not possible.
In the majority of viral cases, the virus makes it's mark, but because
of preventative measures, such as hand-washing, increased attention to
the symptoms and conditions, seeking medical attention immediately, and
the administration of our new anti-viral medications, the condition is
"controlled" for the most part. But, any "new" flu bug
, or illness is initially met with "normal" anxiety due to the novelty
of the condition and a lack of experience treating it. As a Nation
however, we are number one in medical health research and treatment so
we are in "the best hands" facing any new illness. In other words, we
have a great track record and that should give people confidence that
we will weather the swine.
Meanwhile, the effects of such news on both adults and children alike
have ranged from mild to severe fears and numerous precautions taken by
both health officials and schools. However, like any "new" condition,
the unknown and unfamiliarity with a new illness can create too much
anxiety that can make matters and taking reasonable precautions worse
than need be. This is not to underestimate the importance of educating
people about the "realities" of a health condition, and take important
steps to protect ourselves and children, but the key term is
"reasonable" and not to create hysteria.
The individuals who will be the most effected by all of this news, and
become "unresonable" are ones who may be going through difficult times
presently in their lives or have been battling personal, occupational,
or financial troubles for a long time. Here, such vulnerabilities can
lead to an "over-reaction" to a national medical alert such as this one
and such stress could even lead to illness if not managed.
How about children? Needless to say, I have yet to find a child who
has not heard of the swine. In fact, I asked my 8 year-old son
Christopher if he had heard about this "flu thing", and he gave me more
information that I had even known myself. "Dad, it's a virus that
started in pigs and got some kid in Mexico sick, really sick, and he
gave it to other people and somehow it moved from Mexico to here and
now we need to wash our hands for 20 seconds every time we go to the
bathroom, but very few people have died from this thing, so i think
it's gonna be okay. Don't worry dad." So there you have it! My kid is
calmer than me about this flu and is actually telling me not to worry.
But, I am the parent here and worrying is both my job and what I do
best! This is "my son" we are talking about! I have to protect him!
So, parents, here is where that statement you have heard a million
times "calm yourself down before you talk to your kids". Bingo!
Before I did my own research on the swine, I was anxious too. So, I
sought reliable information and made the determination that we need to
be on alert, make our kids wash their hands, tell them not to let
anyone cough on them and return the favor, don't share food or drink
for the time being, drink plenty of fluids, stay on your routine, and
let our top medical professionals in the world do their job in
protecting and treating our health needs, and try to be a good role
model to our children about how to manage stressful situations like the
swine flu.
Key Points:
1. It's just a virus-not a NEW one
2. We have the best medical professionals in the world working on this
3. Take reasonable precautions and make your kids do the same
4. Do NOT freek out!
5. Educate yourself with reliable sources, not the National Enquirer
6. Get HELP if you or your child get sick!
6. Please set a "Mature" example for your kids on how to handle stress
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this timely topic this Monday, April 27th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: Surviving
during difficult financial times is anything but an easy task. In
fact, the present recession has negatively effected everyone despite
one's previous financial position. For some however, the manifestation
of how such stressors are managed have led to what is being considered
two national epidemics that have been developing over the past number
of years: shoplifting and employee theft. Over-shopping and
over-spending run a close third and fourth as ways that some try to
"compromise" for such trying times. The underlying causes, not to be
used as excuses, but explanations, are stress and an attempt to produce
some sort of internal soothing. However, with any maladaptive
behavior, the "compromise" makes matters worse, rather than better.
As expected, statistics indicate that retail sales in 2008,
particularly during the holiday season, was the worst reported in many
years. Interestingly however, Internet sales increased from 2007. In
other words, people are still buying, but in different venues.
Perhaps, to save fuel, more people are buying from home than traveling
to the mall. On the other hand however, statistics have found that
there has also been an increase in both shoplifting and employee
theft. One study found that in 2007 both of these conditions rose
sharply suggesting the causes due to: poor economy, increase in
organized theft rings, ease of selling stolen merchandise on the
streets and on the Internet, increases in fraudulent returns, a
reduction in sales floor supervision, a decrease in honesty in our
society, and a "rationalization" that shoplifting is a "victimless
crime". In fact, in 2007, the FBI stated that employee theft was the
fastest growing crime in America based on a study finding that one in
28.2 employees were caught stealing from their employer! The study
cited multiple reasons for this statistic including: the poor economy,
reduction in employee supervision, relaxed hiring standards, and a
decrease in honesty in our society.
To make matters even worse, before the official announcement of a
recession, research has shown that addiction to shopping and spending
have been on the rise. In 2006, a study out of Stanford University
estimated that 6%, or 17 million Americans, are "compulsive buyers" and
that men and women fall equally into this category. Such "keeping up
with the Joneses" has led many researchers to link such "obsessions" to
both increased shopping and eventually, shoplifting. In other words,
"people steal from work to get money to ease their debts and burdens,
or to satisfy an addiction. Add to these findings increased "retail
bargains" such dynamics may intensify these issues causing even more
personal pathology and greater societal concerns.
To combat such realities, everyone needs to realistically consider
these difficult times and make some personal modifications to get
through these trying times. Maintaining optimism at the same time,
based on historical proof that recessions do indeed come to an end,should
help us understand that times will change for the better if people are
both presently careful but continue to work hard and look ahead to
better times. For those who have vulnerabilities to addictions to help
ease stress, professional help may be necessary to help them better
cope with the present trying times and keep them from dipping into even
worse conditions.
Key Points:
1. Over-shopping, over-spending and employee theft have become national epidemics over the past 3 years
2. Pathological behaviors are attempts to cope with internal chaos
3. A "Keeping Up With The Joneses" mentality over the past decade has made matters even worse
4. 6% of the population are considered "compulsive-buyers", shared equally between men and women
5. To break such patterns, people need to be both realistic and
optimistic based on historical trends during and after recessions
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, April 20th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
Planning ahead for a successful summer is important for the mental
health of the child and parent alike. Many parents wait until the very
last minute to schedule activities for their child creating problems
with scheduling and camps filling up quickly. Another common pitfall
is either allowing the child free reign about their summer activities
or, on the other hand, the parent micromanaging the activities of their
child’s summer. Parents need to both ask themselves what they believe
is in the best interest of their child over the summer as well as
consulting with their child to determine their understood needs as
well. Ideally, summertime should be a balance between scheduled
activities and play for the child. Time should be scheduled for
activities such as camps, academic remediation if necessary, and plenty
of time for rest and play with friends. Summer is also a time to try
new skills that often cannot be attempted during the school year
because of too many time constraints (i.e. taking up a musical
instrument). Finally, summer is also an important time for families to
spend time together on vacation or merely enjoying each other’s company.
Referencing
activities, the attentive parent should be the one to introduce the
concept of a balanced summer to their child and then discuss options
with them allowing the child some choice in the type of scheduled
activities they will participate within. (i.e. the type of camp they
may attend; a typ
e of sport to learn). Children and adolescents are
not capable of doing this alone. Once determined, it is important to
find programs which are organized, have a low staff to camper ratio,
have good reputations, and are importantly, fun.
Balancing fun
camps and activities with some academic or artistic activity helps
keeps the child’s mind in learning shape and often makes the transition
back to school in the Fall an easier transition. Research shows that a
scheduled and balanced summer also leads to higher self-esteem, greater
productivity, less anxiety and opposition, and more harmony around the
house. Parents following these recommendations are less anxious as
well.
Key Points:
1. Parents: Introduce the concept of a balanced summer
2. Plan out activities in advance and put on a schedule
3. Give some choice in picking the type of activities to do
4. Find programs with good reputations and low staff/camper ratios
5. Plan academic remediation if necessary
6. Don’t forget about family time
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this timely segment this Monday, April 13th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: With the
current Pirate hostage situation presently happening this week
overseas, many people on the local and national fronts are asking what
constitutes a "very bad person"? Take Sid, for example, a 25 year-old
construction worker wo always seems to find a way to manipulate others to
meet his needs. Whether he makes promises that he never keeps or preys
on vulnerable co-workers to borrow money that he never repays, Sid
never seems to feel bad about any of his actions that leaves others in
a lurch. In fact, Sid will even rationalize that his actions are
warranted claiming that his victims somehow had it coming or somehow
thwarted him making him feel justified to "get them back". The reality
however, is such reasoning is only in Sid's head and has no basis in
reality. Nevertheless, Sid denies any self-responsibility for his
actions and is clearly self-absorbed.
Whereas most people experience internal conflict when faced with
stressful situations, people organized like Sid, do not experience the
conflict as internal, but actually blame the outside world for their
woes. In other words, it's never their fault and when they are in
turmoil, they seek an external cause for their plight and react as
though the problem was created by someone else. Such "projection" is
the classic sign of someone who is unhealthy and guides their everyday
existence where retaliation becomes a common practice as a means of
making them feel better. At least they think so. However, because of
such deep internal wounds, they never heal and continue to "act out" as
a fundamental means of existence. This way, they never have to come to
terms with who they really are and in a sense remain protected from
their own demise.
Many might ask if Sid and others like him consciously plan such
actions, or whether it is an automatic function of their personality
where they believe their reality. Both are true. In the first case, a
conscious plan to extort or hurt others is termed Sociopathy, while the
latter is a function of a serious Personality Disorder. In other words,
the Sociopath knows what he is doing, where the other type actually
believes their distorted perception and will not waver despite proof
otherwise.In fact, often times when the truth prevails, these types of
people will always challenge or denounce such truths and even attempt
to discredit the credible source. In either case, these people are bad
news and should be avoided once people catch onto their character.
Because of such deep pathology and a distorted view of reality, the
sociopath can appear very believeable and even at times charming! Once
again, either they have a conscious plan or truly believe falsehoods.
Not surprising, these two types of people have stormy interpersonal
relationships and if they are involved romantically, they typically
take advantage of their partner and never feel bad about it, for they
feel justified and often dream up some sort of rationalization that the
other person provoked them despite reality illustrating otherwise.
Occupational conflicts are also common as such individuals really do
not like to work and resent the fact that others may be more fortunate
then they are. Therefore, extensive envy and anger fuel their
manipulations and intentions to "win" despite the negative effects on
others, and even sometimes on themselves. In other words, they will
gamble even if they could they could go to prison because their selfish
needs are more powerful then any sort or reason. In a way, this makes
them also self-destructive as well as harmful to others.
Very unhealthy childhoods are typically at the root of their problems.
Poor bonding and functional relatedness with primary caregivers is
frequently at the core where they have developed their personalities to
avoid any further hurt and to fend off fear and vulnerability. Here,
they avoid true intimacy, attack the ones who they are suppose to love,
and are never at fault. Viewing the world as black or white, they
either love you or hate you, or split between the two without any
typical normal acceptance in accepting people for who they are, for
better or worse.
Given such individuals will not take responsibility for themselves, the
prognosis of any type of attitude or behavior change is very poor, if
not impossible. They never seek treatment unless mandated to do so and
once in a treatment situation, often terminate once their issues are
brought to their attention.Unfortunately, as these are particularly
trying times due to the economy, it is likely that we will see more of
these types of individuals in full colors because they are nervous like
everyone else. In fact, crime rates are rising and this past week, we
have been dealing with an international pirate hostage situation for
the first time in many years. To make matters even worse, these types
of individuals will often collude with others who are made up the same
way and do double the damage! Unlike most people who try to take a
deep breath and come up with reasonable plans to get through difficult
times, the sociopath will continue to prey on others to meet their
selfish needs. Be aware and stay clear!
Key Points:
1. Bad people always blame others for their problems
2. Pathological self-centeredness and entitlement is at their core
3. They seem to not have a Conscience
4. Either they know they are lying or believe their distortions
5. Given the economy, more of these people will act out against others
6. They can on the surface seem charming, but underneath are devious
7. Any sort of change in their behavior is very doubtful
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Health Care - ABA
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, April 6th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - The New CW.
Background: When parents get anxious,
children get anxious. It's really that simple. That old adage of
"take care of yourself, before trying to take care of others",
applies to parenting as well. After all, most invested parents will state
that parenting is the most important, rewarding, yet most stressful
"job" in the world, and it is! Perhaps the most common trait of any
good parent is "worry". This is a good thing, for worry equals
caring and protection which are necessary to raise healthy children. But
as with anything, too much or too little of something usually has shortcomings.
A parent who is too anxious is going to be both stressed out and stress out
their child, while a parent who is not "concerned enough", may not be
helping their child enough and the child then internalizes this experience and
responds to themselves and others in the same manner.
Regarding children, especially young ones, they perceive how things are
going not only from their own experiences, but from the observation of how
their parents both manage their own stress, and how the parent responds to the
them during times of conflict. Take 10 year old Bradley for
example. He is a very good student, but has some particular difficulty in
math. He is very discouraged that he does very well in most of his other
subjects, but tends to struggle in various concepts that he has been learning
this year. His mother is a very loving and well-intended person, but
becomes upset and anxious when Bradley gets stuck on certain math facts and
will in fact make comments to him such as "if you don't get this stuff,
you may never be that scientist that you want to be when you grow
up". One could reason that her comment was an attempt to motivate
Bradley to perhaps "study harder", but in many cases, a comment such
as this one might be very upsetting to a child and become internalized that
they are perhaps flawed and actually backfire and decrease motivation.
Positivism and being realistic are vital parental traits that truly help
children succeed! Research and everyday experiences teach us that
when we approach conditions with confidence and determination, the end result
tends to be positive. However, children are still developing such traits
and need good models and feedback to help them internalize such important
personality traits. From an early age, parents need to instill a sense of
"calmness" as a response to stress. This actually begins in
infancy, where the optimal role of the primary caretakers are to actually
"relieve the distress" of an infant's discomfort - in other words,
take away the discomfort from the outside, not assume that the completely
dependent baby can somehow do this him or herself. They can't. And
when parents do not function in this manner towards their child at least for
the first 3 years of life, many individuals become quite disturbed either as
children or no later than adolescence.
Self-soothing is a function that both adults and children share alike.
Children get it from their parents, and parents need to be able to do this
themselves before they can give it to them. But the benefits are
amazing. Both the child and parent alike are calmer. Calmness then
leads to better judgment and outcome. Furthermore, when adolescents and their
parents are both calm, they get along better. Consider 16 year old Emily who
was invited over to her best-friend's house for a Jonas Brother's Easter Party
(no, the Jonas Brothers are NOT going to be there). Emily really
wants to go, but knows that her mother is going to "freak-out" about
it and bombard her with questions about supervision, drugs, alcohol, and
boys. Emily knows that her mom tends to be a "worrier" and in
fact is not sure she even wants to ask if she can go to avoid the interface
with her mother, but, she really wants to go and is NOT personally concerned
about any wrongdoings at this party. Her friends are all straight A
students who think that drinking and doing drugs is just dumb!. In this case,
Emily's mom is the one who is anxious and this anxiety is then causing tension
for Emily.
Can self-soothing be learned after the first 3 years of life? Sure, but it
takes both understanding and hard work. For the adults, it takes talking
to oneself in the same soothing manner as the parent would express to the
child. We could call this, "being your own internal parent".
Such commentary includes the elements of soothing and then realistic appraisal
of the situation that is causing the stress. Then comes the outcome which
has been developed through calm introspection. If Emily's mom would have
calmed herself down, reviewed her trust in Emily and evaluated her level of
judgment, she and Emily would have had a "calm" discussion about the
party and made a decision about whether Emily should go or just stay home and
listen to the Jonas Brothers on her I-pod.
Key Points:
1. Anxious Parents = Anxious Children
2. Adults need to model how to manage stress
3. Calm introspection is the optimal level of functioning
4. Self-soothing can be learned but is hard work
5. Parents get along better with children when both parties are clam
Dr. Keith Kanner
Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
drkanner@sandiego6.com
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Be sure to watch Dr. "Coach" Kanner discuss this important topic live on San Diego 6 News In The Morning this Monday, March 30th @ 8:20am.
Background: Another
Spring is here and baseball season has officially begun for most
children signed up for little league. As parents look forward to
introducing sport to their children, some important developmental
variables should be considered in order to make the advent of sport and
fun, interesting, and hopefully, a life long investment. Staring from an early age, many parents aspire for their
young children to become invested in sports. Depending upon the
particular background of the parent, this introduction can range from a
casual advent to one filled with expectation and pressure. Irrepective
of the parental approach, the preferred outcome seems to be the same;
that the child develops a long lasting investment in a sport that has
both physical and psychological benefits. Research however demonstrates
that if certain strategies are not followed from the beginning, the
child can develop an aversion to sport and "burnout" at a relatively
early age. This dilemma tends to happen under four conditions: 1) when
the concepts of competition and winning are introduced too early in
their development; 2) when skill acquisition is not emphasized enough
causing the child to develop "bad" habits; 3) when the sport activity
is not initially and continually considered "fun", and; 4) when the
choice of! the sport comes entirely from the parent and not the child.
Considering the first point, when children from ages 3 to 6 are
encouraged to "compete" and "win", rather than have fun, conflicts over
fears of loss and disappointing parents commonly become stressful. Such
stress and anxiety for the young child can cause them to participate in
a sport for the sole purpose of impressing parents and avoiding feared
rejection, rather than because they want to learn something new and
fun. In many cases when this occurs, the child over time will either
reject sports all together or play them for impressing others negating
their own, or their parent's desired esteem for them.
Referencing point number two, young children are still very much in the
process of developing fine and gross motor skills and usually before
the age of 6 or 7, have trouble even successfully bouncing and catching
a ball. Given these "normal" developmental achievements, when adults
"push to hard" for their child to "extend what they can functionally
perform", the child is often faced with failure and subsequent negative
self-feelings about themselves for not being able to perform to the
level that they believe they should be able to achieve. Furthermore,
the child can also feel embarrassed that he or she is not "performing"
well enough in front of others, making them feel bad about themselves.
Although many "pushy" parents will make statements like "just do the
best you can", the young child is very much attuned to what they can
and cannot do and are unable to grasp such abstract concepts such as
"do your best".
Third, young children are invested in play as a way to learn and
explore their worlds and play should always be "fun" and enjoyable.
When competitive or stressful conditions are introduced to children
before they are developmentally ready to handle the challenge, which is
usually between the ages of 8 and 10, the activity becomes stressful
and more of an issue of "winning" or "performing", rather than
developing an enjoyment and love for a sport. In addition, if time is
not spent on teaching children proper ways of hitting or shooting a
ball for example, poor habits will develop which may limit the
potential talent for the child related to that sport. Young children
are hungry to learn and when they are taught a sport in a fun and
non-compeitive manner, they tend to want to excell and continue to play
the sport in the future,
Finally, it is very important that they young child is given choice in
the type of sport or sports he or she would like to learn. Here, when
the child is given some freedom, rather than a parent insisting that
they play a certain sport, the child feels as though it was their
choice and this tends to increase the liklihood that they will stick
with that sport over time. Many parents who have backgrounds in
particular sports mandate that their child play that sport and then
become disappointed when they "burnout" or give it up by adolescence
without realizing that if their attitude was more "relaxed" that their
child would probably naturally want to play the same sport as their
parent due to wishes to identify with them.
In a nutshell, sports are a very important part of a child's
development and help with both psychological and physical development.
However, if caution is not taken from the beginning on "how to"
intorduce sports, many children will develop an overall aversion to
sport in general and miss out on something that could be very rewarding
for them in the present and future.
Key Points:
1. avoid competition and winning for the first 8 years
2. work on good skill acquision early to develop good habits
3. make it "fun"
4. give the child choice in the chosen sport they want to play
5. help them feel good about their accomplishments
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
San Diego 6 News
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