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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, March 15th @ 8:20 on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
When 17 year-old Fred received his third rejection letter from the
total of ten universities he had applied to for next year, he began to
really worry. He has spent his last two years of high school taking
very difficult classes, including many AP (Advanced Placement) classes,
in order to raise his GPA (Grade Point Average) to increase his chances
of being accepted to one of his desired choice colleges. In fact,
because his first two years of high school were somewhat difficult for
him because he did not make the full connection between good grades and
college acceptance, he had to work extra diligently the past two years
to be competitive in the acceptance pool.
His dedicated efforts seemed to pay off. By the time he applied to
college, he had an A average, sufficient community service, good test
scores, and he even trained himself in golf to join the junior varsity
golf team at his school just to have this as an asset on his resume.
In addition, he had glowing letters of recommendation from three of his
teachers and won a service award for volunteering with children earlier
in the year. In other words, it seemed Fred did all the “right” things
to get into college, but at this moment has been rejected by three
schools he had imagined himself attending in the fall.
As with any experience of disappointment, Fred’s ego has been
affected. He feels bad, worried, and guilty for not working harder his
first two years of high school. Additionally, he is afraid he will
also be rejected by his remaining seven schools and then does not know
what he will do. For the past week, he has not been able to sleep,
does not want to go to school, and has been isolating himself from his
friends, many of which got accepted to their schools of choice, due to
feeling embarrassed.
Fred’s parents feel terrible for his plight and have tried to be both
supportive and encouraging. His father told him that things like this
happen and that they will figure out a plan if he does not get accepted
to any of the ten schools he applied to. Despite this loving and
needed support from his parents, Fred continues to feel miserable and
worried. He reasoned, “Why did I work so hard over the past two years
to have something like this happen to me. Was it really worth it?”
Fred’s story is a template for the feelings that many high school seniors will experience
over the next few months
awaiting and receiving their college acceptance and rejection letters
filling households with either feelings of elation or disappointment.
This is a period of time which moves the late adolescent into the next
stage of their lives, namely moving away from home and onto the next
stage of their lives, young adulthood. The importance of being
accepted or rejected from a university can therefore not only have an
effect on the individual’s self-esteem but also in reference to
feelings about growing up and becoming more independent from mom and
dad.
In most cases, the high school seniors are encouraged to apply to a
number of schools rather than just a few due to the increased
competition of acceptances these days due to a larger number of
students applying to college as well as entrance requirements being
much more difficult than in the years past. In fact, a recent
statement from the University of California stated that the average GPA
for admission into their system is above a 3.7 or an A average. Ten
years ago the average admission was a 3.5 and twenty years ago, it was
a 3.3. These changes have put considerable pressure on both the high
school student and their parents to “achieve” at very high levels. To
assist with these changes, most high school counselors suggest that
aside from applying to schools of desired choice, that the student also
apply to what has been termed “safety schools”, just to ensure
admission somewhere to allow the student to move forward in both their
psychological and academic development.
Such school counselors also try to console their students about the
reality of admission competition by educating them that many students
either begin college at a community college and then transfer to a
four-year university or in other cases a student may decide to transfer
colleges after two years at a different four-year school if they are
not satisfied with their education or experience.
Rejection from college or any other experience is a difficult one for
anyone and manifests in a variety of manifestations including a
temporary depletion of self-esteem, sadness, anger, and confusion and
doubt. It is essential for the parents of the adolescent who is
applying to college to discuss the difficult process of competition
prior to the application process and also discuss back-up plans if
their child does not get accepted to their preferred choices. The
attitude of the parent needs to be both supportive, loving, positive,
and guiding in helping their son or daughter get through a difficult
period of their life. The parents who understand the
multi-significance of college acceptance and rejection, namely that
this period is not just about going to college, but has to do with the
milestone of becoming an adult are the ones who become the most helpful
to their child.
Key Points:
1. College rejection causes a temporary regression and a hurt ego
2. Parents need to be loving, encouraging, and guiding about next options
3. Prepare your child ahead of time for possible rejection based on increased competition and grade inflation
4. Consider consulting with the school counselor for planning the next step if necessary
NOTE: Come meet Dr. Kanner in person and ask him all of your
parenting questions on Monday, March 22nd, 2010 from 6 to 8 pm @ Little
Kingdom Day Care in Encinitas, CA. (520 Balour Drive, Encinitas, CA.
92024)
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Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry - UCSD School of Medicine
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, March 8th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
After learning about and reporting upon the Chelsea King
tragedy, I am once again left heartbroken for the friends and family of a
bright and happy teenager who was minding her own business while on a run in
her own neighborhood. The furthest
thing on her mind would be a seriously disturbed predator waiting to harm her
in broad daylight. But, as
lightening sometimes strikes, it did that day when Chelsea was attacked and her
and her family’s life is changed forever. As a father and a Clinician, I
immediately become concerned for the outcome of Chelsea’s survivors, but also
protective of children and teenagers who have their futures ahead of them and
how maybe there is something we can learn from this horrible story.
Ironically ,it
seems that the loss of a life often motivates a movement to the saving of
others. A combination of the “this
could happen to me or my kids” , coupled with large public outcry is the formula that leads to legislation
and reform that helps to make the world a safer place. But, to make things even more
complicated are that tragedies such as what happened to Chelsea King and her
family remain more uncommon than common so we do not want to create hysteria
while trying to protect and save lives. But, there is plenty that we can do to ensure better safety.
Many have spoken of a "Chelsea Law" over the past
few days which might seek to either , shackle, microchip or even
"castrate" any person convicted of child molestation, in
hopes of deterring such individuals from thinking of hurting children
let alone repeating crimes involving minors. This
might work for many of the
individuals who might have committed such crimes, or think about trying it,
which is a good thing, but
the individuals who repeatedly hurt, or try to hurt children after
prison or after some sort of “rehabilitation” are of a different breed than the
everyday
criminal. These ones are true
sociopaths who care about nothing but themselves no matter what and do not
learn their lessons for they do not feel any remorse for what they have done or
will do. In other words, they like what they do and seem content with their actions despite the obvious suffering of others. Most people are not like
this or could never even think this way. Therefore, any new laws or statutes might detour some,
but not all, and we therefore have to think beyond the law of how to protect
our children from harm based on what we teach them at home and in school.
This may seem like we are getting back to the basics, but
basics tend to work irrespective of generational or societal shifts. They are ageless. Here they are, we all know them, and we
all should review them with our kids after this week in San Diego:
1.
Don’t talk to strangers, especially if they seem either too
nice or too strange
2.
It is always safer to travel in 2’s than alone
3.
Teach your kids how to scream for help
4.
Know where your kids are all the time
5.
Teach your kids that although most people are
generally good, there are such things as “bad guys” and we all need to stay
away from them
6.
Self defense classes are great for kids. They help them learn both
self-responsibility but also how to hit someone in the nose if need be
7.
Be there to talk and support your kids about
their feelings about what happened to Chelsea and her family. Emphasize that we
learn from tragedy, grow from pain, and that you as their parent, will always
protect them, which includes keeping a watchful eye on them and is why you call
their cell phones or text message them all of the time.
Perhaps we could call these “Chelsea’s Law”. From
everything I have learned about
her, these would have been advocated by her. As in this case, there
will be forever "what ifs", but we need to focus on "what to do", to try to prevent a next
time.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/February
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and health care experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
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|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, March 1st @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: Recently,
the San Diego County Board of Supervisors altered the juvenile curfew
law for unincorporated areas, requiring that minors be home by 10pm
Sunday through Thursday nights and 11pm Friday and Saturdays. For the
first time, the County officials wanted to bring the curfew consistent
with the city of San Diego which calls for kids to be home by 10pm each
night of the week. Some argue that "good and responsible kids are being
punished", but enforcing a curfew, by getting kids home and off the
streets, saves lives and should reduce crime. Furthermore, a City and a
County curfew allows parents to use the law when setting limits with
their adolescents and no longer have to fight about compared times
with their friend's family's rules. In this case, uniform is a good
thing.
Battles over curfews have been as frequent as battles over
homework, choice of clothing, media viewing, and dating rules. Parents
are therefore placed in very difficult positions - they want to
protect, but also enhance independence and confidence in their child's
decisions which ultimately leads to better self-esteem, independent
functioning, and future success.
Adolescents however are not yet "mature" adults by definition.
Numerous studies over the years document that parents need to continue
"oversee" their children usually until at a minimum late adolescence
(17 or 18 years) and sometimes later depending upon the individual
teenager. Sure, there are some children and adolescents who are just
"naturally" responsible, but most have their ups and downs and need
their parents to be the gatekeepers until they are ready to fly from
the nest which is commonly when they get settled in college or the
workplace.
So, how can parents both protect, but also promote the adolescent's drive towards independence?
The answer is based on the particular adolescent's track record.
When parents are aware of their child's capacity to manage their lives,
academically, socially, and healthfully, this gives the parent actual
data to make personal decisions of all aspects of their child's life,
including curfew times. Such an individual approach takes into account
the recognition that each child is a individual and has different needs
from their peers. There are some additional considerations however
that each parent must consider such as: 1) particular laws in each city
or state about curfew times; 2) legal rules about the whereabouts of
teenagers after hours; 3) having an open line of communication with
your teenager so you "know generally where they are"; 4) a plan of
getting help if necessary; and 5) the parent always being "on-call" for
emergencies. It is additionally important that all parents educate
their teenagers about everything from driving statistics to social and
dating concerns. Even though most adolescents will tell their parents
that they "already know this stuff", the "mature" parent still needs to
cover their bases.
In most cases, as teenagers mature and take better care of themselves,
parents feel more comfortable giving them some additional leverage and
this makes sense. But it is very important that parents keep a
watchful eye over such new endeavors, for sometimes too much becomes
too much for the teenager and the parent has to pull back on the
reigns. Parenting a teenager is considered one of the most stressful
times for parents for the enterprise entails trial and error. But, for
the parents who practice good judgment, know their child, are fair, and
understand what is normal and not developmentally for their teenager,
they fair much better than the ones who are either naive or try to
befriend their teenager. Parents need to always be parents and their
children will ultimately appreciate such an investment. On the side of
the healthy teenager, such an approach is deemed as "fair" and makes
sense to most of them - they make accuse the parent of being "
over-protective", but also see them as being "loving and caring".
Key Points:
1. Set curfews following the laws and also based on your teenagers individual attributes.
2. In most cases, curfews are slowly extended due to personal maturity.
4. Parents who have good judgment, know their child, are fair, and understand development fair the best with their teenager.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: March/April 2010
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and health care experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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|
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, February 22nd @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
I thought I had heard of just about anything, but this one actually
redefined the notion of sick people. Meet "Michael" from Alexandria,
Louisiana, better known as "S For Sickness" (fitting, huh), which is
his Xbox Live tag. Your Family Matters has previously focused on the
dangers of social media predators, evident on sites such as MySpace and
Facebook, where I have cautioned parents about the needs for
supervision on computer activities for children. Such voiced concerns
have involved bullying, sexual overtures, and general
inappropriateness, but, in this case, "Michael's" tactic is to lure
children into playing on his team on an Xbox Live game promising to
upgrade items on the game for the exchange of personal information such
as age, e-mail addresses, and passwords. The intent here seems to be
stealing information to hack into computer systems and potentially
steal assets using the vulnerability of a child. As these games are
very competitive and can be fun, the idea of getting to higher levels,
having better tools, and making friends, can be exciting and hard
sometimes for certain children to remember what their parents have
taught them about "stranger danger" whether this be live or in the
cyber world. In this case, the sound of "Michael's" voice and words
sound like an adult, not a child
In this case, "S for Sickness" makes, what appears to be a team
promise, or seduction, but watch what happens when a kid refuses to
give the information that he requests. " I will blow up your Xbox 360...... hack into your computer....... make your mommy and daddy buy you a new one.........you b----a--".
This goes beyond a predator, this is no less than a Monster. In this
particular case, the game was supervised by parents and fortunately for
us, "Michael", left his message on the kid's Xbox hard drive and the
tape along with his tag information and whereabouts are now in the
hands of law and fire enforcement , Microsoft, and his voice and tape
are in numerous newsrooms around the country. We here at San Diego 6
will be following up on this case and hope that "S for Sickness" will
be arrested and prosecuted to send a clear message to cyber criminals
that as a society we will not tolerate threats towards our children.
But, what can parents do to better protect their children from such horrible people, who are now on Live games?
1. Supervise all computer activities. The Internet is
state of the art and our children will be exposed to increasing trends
that many adults do not understand. But, supervision is something that
even the most computer naive parent can do and if something goes
sideways, we are there to help. I always suggest keeping computers and
game systems in open areas in the house where parents can walk by and
check in.
2. Educate yourself about Social Media domains and Live gaming systems.
It's time we all visit a Game Stop and see what kids are up to these
days. Not that you will let your child necessarily play on these
systems, but at least, you know what they are and all about. If your
kids do have them, get ready to learn about Live game systems and how
they work. The more you know, the better prepared you will be. By the
way, child sites such as Club Penguin have better safeguards than the
Live gaming systems which have no live supervision.
3. Educate children about bad people. Most parents do
this already but now we are having to extend those talks to include
people that our children may not be able to see in person and only know
through a headset or text message. The use of words, without speech,
can be equally threatening and scary to a child or adolescent.
Michael's victim was very afraid that he had some way to cause his Xbox
to either explode or catch on fire as was the threat. So, teach your
kids how to identify inappropriate words as well as actions.
4. Report Cyber Bullies or Internet Predators to the Police.
Microsoft explained to me that on most live game systems, one can
report both illegal and bully behavior. But, this is not enough. Once
a report is made, Microsoft will then follow that person and if they
continue to not "play fair", they may revoke their membership. But,
Microsoft is NOT law enforcement and will only release information on a
customer with a court order. In addition, if the communication is
"live" and not recorded, then even following them will not get to their
true intentions. Therefore, take down as much information that you can
on the person, save any correspondence, and call both your local Police
and the Police in the city that the bully or predator is from.
4. Comfort your kid. Cyber bullies and predators are
scary people to kids, especially if they are adults. When you as the
parent then takes charge and help them feel safe, the trauma gradually
wears and your child will recover from the trauma. But, people
like "Michael" , or better know as, "S for Sickness", forces us as
adults and parents to have a "Duty To Call" these sociopaths on their
sickness.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/February
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and health care experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
|
|
-
Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, February 15th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
Another complaint about kids these days. Last month it was about drunk
driving ; six months ago about increases in drugs in schools ; last
year, school shootings. Could it be as simple as parental absences to
explain why our children and adolescents are at an all time level of
obesity and developing disorders including Diabetes? It may not explain
all cases of obesity, but probably a majority. Once again, we have an
issue of allowing children and adolescents to function too
independently and rely on themselves and their peers to function in
today's society. "Hot lunches" have become more popular than the old
homemade brown sack from home made with the heart of mom or dad
including healthy, yet good tasting foods. Instead, much of what kid's
eat these days are either at the discretion of others or themselves
based on what they might find in the pantry or buy when given money to
get a snack. In fact, many children I have interviewed tell me that
they make their own breakfast and lunches. To make matters even more
complicated, money is tight these days and better foods tend to cost
more money, so buying healthy food also contributes to the issue. Tack
on both parents working and not being home to either make healthy foods
or monitor what their child puts into his or her mouth, and the
explanations seem to come together. But, the problem is not getting
better, but worse.
Some have taken an educational approach to teach kids to "eat better"
and regulate what they put into their bodies thinking that like the
movies kids are shown about the results of driving drunk, that evoking
fear might make a child think twice before eating that candy bar rather
than a piece of fruit or a handful of nuts. But, remember, we are
dealing with kids, not adults. Kids are more interested in what takes
the least amount of time and tastes good, rather than if what they
ingest might cause some sort of health problem later in their lives.
In other words, until late adolescence, children live in the moment,
not the future and this is normal in terms of their maturity. Speaking
of maturity, many parents think it's great when their kids make their
own food in that it seems "independent" or "mature". Not when it comes
to primary health and survival issues. Being able to whip up a quick sandwich or easy mac is fine for a kid to be able to do, but parents really win when they provide the major meals because kids need their parents to
feed, shelter, and protect them until they "leave the nest" after high
school at the least, if we want them to be the healthiest as adults. So, once again, the weight falls on the parents
to provide and regulate what a child eats or not eats. In other words,
we are back to being parents and looking out for our children.
But, when it comes to weight, fitness, and physical health, adults have
trouble even taking care of themselves as most American adults are
overweight themselves. So, to top things off, we are not modeling good
health habits to our children either. Why has it become harder and
harder for us to take better care of our children and ourselves? That's
a whole other segment, but maybe it's time for each family to take
more responsibility for the health of their children and themselves.
If we do this, we might actually reduce skyrocketing health care costs
without waiting for the politicians to figure out how the government
should "take care of us". When it comes to food, this really isn't
rocket science. The media has saturated the airwaves with "what's
healthy and what's not". Everyone understands the concepts of "low
fat"; "fiber"; "protein"; "water"; "eating smaller portions, yet more
often", and the importance of moderate exercise, getting enough sleep,
and trying to lower stress as much as possible. The formula is the
same, but compliance is another story. So, if you neglect taking care
of yourself, don't take it out on your kids. Below is an easy way to
help your kids eat healthfully without both telling them "how much to
eat", and turning them into calorie counters, both of which tend to
push many kids into eating disorders.
1. Have a nutritious yet tasty pantry. What you put in on your shelves and in your fridge is open season for your kids.
2. Cook for your kids, and cook good tasting, yet healthy foods.
These days, many families do not eat together and many parents let
their kids make their own meals. This is a bad idea unless you have a
very mature child or teenager. There are plenty of books on healthy
cooking for families out there.
3. Make your child's lunch. Forget the hot lunches. Pack your child
a great tasting lunch with lots of options. Also, don't forget the
note to them that you love them. If they are happy, they will eat
better.
4. Give choices. Kids love to feel they have input. Give them a bunch of healthier foods to choose from.
5. Serve water. My 6 year old asked me what the 4 most important
elements in life were this morning. I told him water, food,
fire,shelter, love, family, and friends. Kids never drink enough water.
6. Mandate some sort of moderate exercise. Most overweight kids and
adults are allergic to exercise. Get a dog and go for walks. Let them
wear an i-pod. Play tag. Whatever, but do something, even if it's for
10 minutes every day.
7. Get them to bed. Sleep and weight gain are vital. When bodies are tired, they hold onto fat to generate energy.
8. Notice their changes when they eat better and point this out to them. "You look great".
9. Balance is a good thing. So, don't eliminate desert, just eat well beforehand and only serve one scoop.
10. Take better care of yourself. How can we expect our kids to make good choices if we don't? Set an example, but don't overdue it.
Remember, kids are kids. We need to stop complaining and just do a
better job as parents. Social change only happens in great numbers.
Parents United is an appropriate title. They are still kids and it's
not too late before they grow up and read articles like this one.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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|
|
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Background: What happened to the old days of respect, family values, and calmer television? As I have introduced the notion of re-runs to my kids, even they have told me, "Dad, the world has changed......... those things in your day just are not considered "cool" these days". We had this great discussion about how "cool" seems to be defined these days by what's on television; the label on clothing; challenging authority; winning at Call of Duty; and strongly influenced by friends rather than what is taught at home. Something has changed. Even our sitcoms are generally unhealthy rather than "good" television. When I was in grade school, there were shows like "All In The Family"; " The Brady Bunch" and "The Waltons" all dealt with family issues, real and normal ones. The ones that we live with everyday of our lives with our children then and now: homework battles; sibling rivalry; bullies; split-families; parents in bad moods. The list goes on. But, not these days. It's more of who is worse off then whom; who has the best body; who loses the most weight; who sells their soul the most to be with the Bachelor; or who screws over the other person the most. What are we doing here? And we complain, and complain and nothing changes, why? As a society, we have become lazy, and in this department, the parent department, the future of our children are at stake. If this does not motivate each and every one of us parents, then I will get worried for each of our families.
What went wrong? For years, Sociologists have
stated that a general decline in social responsibility, increases in
drug and alcohol usage in teenagers, greater incidences of mental and
behavioral disturbances in both children and young adults, as well as
an increasing interest in public exposure to inappropriate venues, are
all due to a decline in the emphasis of family values taught at a very
early age to children and continue throughout adolescence. In
general, many parents seem to not look ahead for their kids enough, like in the old days, on
the effects on what choices they may make now will have on them later
in life resulting in some sort of distress. As a minor example, just
last week one of my adult patients told me that she wished her parents
had never let her get the three tatoos when she was a teenager for now
as an adult she wants to get them removed and the process to do so is
very painful.
Financial needs for dual incomes; divorce rates continue to rise again, and a continual trend towards "individualism", has evoked less
parental involvement at home and left many children left to their own
resources to understand the world and rely more heavily on their peers
and non-parent adults than ever before. Overcrowding in schools has
also decreased the positive effects of teachers on their students as
well, which in the past was a very influential source of stability for
children and adolescents when away from their parents. Only some
children have religious affiliations and even far less are invested in
after-school or extra-curricular programs where rules and values are
emphasized.
The needs however for raising healthy children are the same today
as they were 20 years ago, despite changes in society and greater
exposure to negative influences which have grown tremendously due to
television, literary, and internet resources. The major issue however
has been how to adapt to a changing world and keep the importance of
family and social values as a top priority? The answer seems to be to
getting back to the basics of raising healthy children with family and
social values being at the top of the list. Here is my list:
1. Provide a loving and nurturing environment for them in the first 2 years of life.
During infancy, there is no such thing as over- spoiling a child. The
more a parent spends time with their infant providing love, food,
attention, and protection, the faster and healthier they develop.
Infants are not yet capable of soothing themselves and need the parent
to relieve stress for them by holding and soothing them from the
outside. This service relieves distress for the infant and assists
them in both psychological and physical development. In addition, this
parental function becomes internalized inside of the child during the
toddler years and helps with the establishment of emotional regulation
and high self-esteem.
2. Encourage social relationships.
Socialization is essential for young children to develop adequate
psychological functioning. Friendships, play with others, and learning
to negotiate social norms, helps children learn how to adapt to the
world and develop as an individual as they slowly separate from their
parents and work towards managing themselves on their own. Friendships
provide support and a platform for children to learn how to survive
with others and provide a support system that often takes the place of
the parents.
3. Don't be so overprotective that they can't separate.
Encouraging children to sleep in their own beds; using baby-sitters on
occasion, dropping them off at school, are examples of helping children
learn that they can manage situations without their parents.
Obviously, such situations need to be safe and when a child is left, it
needs to be with trusted others or a in a safe environment.
4. Set limits. Do not indulge in regressive or strange behavior.
Children need limits to help them regulate their emotions and are not
fully capable of doing so independently until late adolescence.
Parents also need to stop their children from non-adaptive behavior by
setting limits and offering suggestions of managing situations in more
appropriate ways.
5. Allow them to do societally normal things even if you do not like them.
In order to assist them in feeling "normal" and to provide them social
opportunities, parents need to allow certain activities understandably
under supervision. Such activities include: a reasonable amount of
television; popular and safe toys; popular and age-appropriate movies;
and open political and religious education. Children who do not have
such opportunities are often teased, left out of social circles, and
often viewed as strange or wierd.
6. Encourage sports, particularly team ones.
Childhood sports help with the appropriate regulation of aggression;
the internalization of rules; and help fortify areas of sportsmanship
and negotiation. Team sports help children learn how to work with
others and achieve common goals.
7. Encourage enough comfort with aggression to stand up for themselves.
It is optimal for children to be able to stand up for themselves, but
we do not want to develop a bully. Children however, who are
comfortable with their aggression, tend to be very expressive and are
usually not the ones who become teased and rejected from groups. In
fact, appropriately assertive children tend to be leaders.
8. Do not encourage just being an intellectual. This can come
in college if they truly want it. Before this time, it may make them
seem strange.
Balance is the key. Children who are encouraged to read and learn and
are also encouraged to develop other hobbies and sports, become
well-rounded and this leads to healthy development and social success.
9. Role model healthy social relations that fit into the local
culture - don't role model disdain for it or valuing things at odds
with social norms.
Monkey see, monkey do. Children look to their parents on "what is
normal" and "how to be". Parents need to watch themselves and their
behavior if they expect their own children to be healthy and
appropriate.
10. Encourage family time even during adolescence.
Make time for family trips, excursions, etc. Family values instill a sense of community and commitment.
Putting these elements together helps children develop well-rounded
developmental needs and enhance future happiness and success.
Expecting children and younger adolescents to be able to look ahead to
the future as a developing child, is not fair. They need their parents
to look ahead for them and guide them until they are mature-enough to
do so for themselves which is usually not possible until late
adolescence or early adulthood.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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|
|
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, February 1st, 2010 @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - The New CW.
Background: When parents get anxious,
children get anxious. It's really that simple. That old adage of
"take care of yourself, before trying to take care of others",
applies to parenting as well. After all, most invested parents will state
that parenting is the most important, rewarding, yet most stressful
"job" in the world, and it is! Perhaps the most common trait of any
good parent is "worry". This is a good thing, for worry equals
caring and protection which are necessary to raise healthy children. But
as with anything, too much or too little of something usually has shortcomings.
A parent who is too anxious is going to be both stressed out and stress out
their child, while a parent who is not "concerned enough", may not be
helping their child enough and the child then internalizes this experience and
responds to themselves and others in the same manner.
Regarding children, especially young ones, they perceive how things are
going not only from their own experiences, but from the observation of how
their parents both manage their own stress, and how the parent responds to the
them during times of conflict. Take 10 year old Bradley for
example. He is a very good student, but has some particular difficulty in
math. He is very discouraged that he does very well in most of his other
subjects, but tends to struggle in various concepts that he has been learning
this year. His mother is a very loving and well-intended person, but
becomes upset and anxious when Bradley gets stuck on certain math facts and
will in fact make comments to him such as "if you don't get this stuff,
you may never be that scientist that you want to be when you grow
up". One could reason that her comment was an attempt to motivate
Bradley to perhaps "study harder", but in many cases, a comment such
as this one might be very upsetting to a child and become internalized that
they are perhaps flawed and actually backfire and decrease motivation.
Positivism and being realistic are vital parental traits that truly help
children succeed! Research and everyday experiences teach us that
when we approach conditions with confidence and determination, the end result
tends to be positive. However, children are still developing such traits
and need good models and feedback to help them internalize such important
personality traits. From an early age, parents need to instill a sense of
"calmness" as a response to stress. This actually begins in
infancy, where the optimal role of the primary caretakers are to actually
"relieve the distress" of an infant's discomfort - in other words,
take away the discomfort from the outside, not assume that the completely
dependent baby can somehow do this him or herself. They can't. And
when parents do not function in this manner towards their child at least for
the first 3 years of life, many individuals become quite disturbed either as
children or no later than adolescence.
Self-soothing is a function that both adults and children share alike.
Children get it from their parents, and parents need to be able to do this
themselves before they can give it to them. But the benefits are
amazing. Both the child and parent alike are calmer. Calmness then
leads to better judgment and outcome. Furthermore, when adolescents and their
parents are both calm, they get along better. Consider 16 year old Emily who
was invited over to her best-friend's house for a Jonas Brother's Easter Party
(no, the Jonas Brothers are NOT going to be there). Emily really
wants to go, but knows that her mother is going to "freak-out" about
it and bombard her with questions about supervision, drugs, alcohol, and
boys. Emily knows that her mom tends to be a "worrier" and in
fact is not sure she even wants to ask if she can go to avoid the interface
with her mother, but, she really wants to go and is NOT personally concerned
about any wrongdoings at this party. Her friends are all straight A
students who think that drinking and doing drugs is just dumb!. In this case,
Emily's mom is the one who is anxious and this anxiety is then causing tension
for Emily.
Can self-soothing be learned after the first 3 years of life? Sure, but it
takes both understanding and hard work. For the adults, it takes talking
to oneself in the same soothing manner as the parent would express to the
child. We could call this, "being your own internal parent".
Such commentary includes the elements of soothing and then realistic appraisal
of the situation that is causing the stress. Then comes the outcome which
has been developed through calm introspection. If Emily's mom would have
calmed herself down, reviewed her trust in Emily and evaluated her level of
judgment, she and Emily would have had a "calm" discussion about the
party and made a decision about whether Emily should go or just stay home and
listen to the Jonas Brothers on her I-pod.
Key Points:
1. Anxious Parents = Anxious Children
2. Adults need to model how to manage stress
3. Calm introspection is the optimal level of functioning
4. Self-soothing can be learned but is hard work
5. Parents get along better with children when both parties are clam
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
|
|
-
Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, January 25th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
It's not as easy as you think when you have to answer your kid's
questions. To begin with, sometimes we don't know the answer, and we
also have to take the question seriously and answer them in a way that
satisfies their curiosity, makes them feel better, and teach them
something that they will likely remember because it came from you, the
parent, instead of a teacher. So, answering questions is a pretty big
deal. To make matters even more complicated is that the answer to the
particular question has to also consider your child's cognitive
(thinking) and emotional levels or that answer might cause more harm
than good. For example, last night my 6 year-old was very afraid of
the thunder and lightening storms. Living in Southern California his
entire life, the storm probably feels like an earthquake would feel to
us because they are very unfamiliar. He was very cute, but very
afraid. He asked important questions such as : "does lightening ever
kill people"?; "what happens if it hits your house"? "are we going to
die from this"? In the back of my truck, my 8 and 11 year-olds were
rolling their eyes and laughingly tell him that he should go swimming
today with a golf club in his hand. So, he is now really confused.
Obviously here the point is that my 6 year old is concerned about
things that my other two are not because they are older and able to
understand things differently and do not need me as much to soothe them
through this storm because we went through the discussion that I was
about to have with my 6 year old when they were his age. Of course
when I reminded them of that talk, they refused to give me any credit. In
fact, they were able to even joke about the storm, rather than be
afraid, yet my 11 year old did find the noise "annoying", which is clearly
a "tween" response. Taken together, each parent has to remember to
take in consideration the age of the child asking the question.
I should also mention that allowing the older siblings to help with the
answer to the questions of a younger sibling should be supervised or
the older siblings who love, yet also resent that younger brother or
sister, may try to inflict some fear just for "fun". This is what
happened in my truck last night and I had to ask my older kids to let
me do the talking on this one.
Step two is thinking about what you want them to learn. The times when our children ask us questions are what I call "Magic Moments", because
this is a valuable time to teach our kids about the world and we have
their attention when they come to us with questions, and when them they come with questions and are nervous, they really listen. So, think it
through before you respond. The third step is helping to reduce their anxiety.
In other words, when a child comes to you with fear, your job is to
take it away with your words and hugs. In addition, using some printed
information materials to help you teach your children can be very
helpful as long as it is not overly graphic or "too much information
(TMI)", which could backfire your attempts to calm them down. In my
case last night, we looked up storms in The New Book of Knowledge
(which I recommend to all households to own - Scholastic Publishers)
and read about what storms are all about and normalized the experience
which calmed my 6 year-old down. We actually used this research for
all of the kid's mandatory reading for their school for the night.
So, after I explained how rain and storms are made; used some printed
material to support my teaching; gave him tons of hugs and assurance
that he was safe indoors from rain, thunder, and lightening; that it
was more likely to get into a car crash then get hit by lightening, he
fell asleep with a calm look on his face. He woke up however and asked
me why his brother and sister told him to go swimming with a golf
club? I told him that just like when he gets mad that he is not the
older kid, they get mad that he gets to be the younger one and
sometimes they like to play tricks when they are mad. We ended the
conversation with me telling him that his questions were great, thanked
him for asking me, and told him that before he does what his brother or
sister tell him to do, check it out with me first. Tonight I have a
meeting scheduled with my two older kids about how they need to respond
to their little brother's questions.
Key Points:
1. consider the age of the child asking the question - don't go beyond what they can understand
2. think about your answer and what you want them to learn
3. these are "Magic Moments" - take them seriously
4. your objective is to teach but also soothe - take away their anxiety
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
|
|
-
Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, January 18th on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Your Family Matters is also happy to introduce an additional Sponsor of the show: Little Kingdom Daycare in Encinitas, CA.
Background:
Just
how important is demanding respect from your children? It is very
important if you want your child to be successful in their lives and if
you want to have a calmer household. By the age of two, children
typically attempt to recognize that they are no longer a physical and
emotional extension of their parents and attempt to individuate in
order to feel capable of managing themselves as they attempt to build
up their own "Ego". To do this however, children commonly get angry at
their parents, especially mothers, as an attempt to feel stronger and
also to demonstrate that they have their own opinions about things,
right or wrong.Sometimes the manifestation of anger comes in the form
of disrespect. The bottom line here is that the attempt is to feel
strong, not weak, and this is a normal and healthy part of development.
Therefore, being stubborn, mad, and sometimes a pain, is all part of
the big
picture of being a kid, and children need to be able to express
themselves to their
parents in order to both feel strong yet also gain help in managing
strong feelings when their
small minds become a bit overloaded. But how a parent then handles a
child's external expression of feelings and emotions has a huge effect
on both their development, personality, and behavior. Why is that?
Well, beginning as early as the second year of life, children are
developing
a Conscience, which hosts what they have learned is "right" or "wrong"
up to this point in their lives. Such a Conscience consists of not
only what a child learns from mom and dad, but from others including
extended family members, teachers, coaches, and other parents and
adults. As one might imagine, the messages may be similar or different
as to what is "okay" versus "not okay" in terms of what is permissible
or not. Also, understandably, parents carry the most weight as they
should, and one can then see how conflicts can arise if a parent does
not insist on certain things, such as them being respected.
When a child has good-enough control over their emotions, their
Conscience does not become negative or punitive. However, when a child
loses control of him or herself, their Conscience becomes negative
dealing out negative self-statements, lowers self-esteem. or has the
power to push kids to misbehave in an effort to get them in trouble or
punished as a function of making them feel guilty for not following the
rules.
But what is respect? Respect is not forbidding a child
from expressing strong upsetting feelings to you; it is doing it in a
way that is under control and hopefully with choice words that you have
taught them. And, as a parent, you MUST listen and try not to get too
angry. If a child is upset, they need your help, not some sort of a
message that they are bad or wrong. Children do not come ready made,
they need to be taught what will lead to something successful versus a
choice that could lead to a misgiving. So, respect is not telling a
child to just "stop doing that", it is encouraging them to speak and
express to a parent who will listen and try to help, not just get mad.
Children do calm down when they feel heard and helped during a
difficult time. To help them remember the point however, a time-out or
some other sort of short-term loss can be helpful if the parent
stresses that this is to help them not break rules, not just to make
them feel bad for doing so.
So, why do some parents refrain from stopping their children from disrespecting them?
This is not a simple answer and can have many reasons including: 1) a
fear that setting limits might make their child not like them; 2) a
fear of hurting their child's feelings ; 3) a parent being emotionally
or physically unavailable ; or 4) not thinking that the ramifications
could lead to maladaptive behaviors and personality traits that could
last a lifetime. This last one is very dangerous for most children
who do not show respect in expressing their feelings to their parents
commonly end up as either bullies or very entitled adults. In
other words, they think they do not have to follow the social rules
that everyone else follows and that somehow they are special and
invincible. These kids then typically end up in the offices of school
principals and frequently have behavior problems and difficulty with authority figu. To make matters even
worse, other children tend to be afraid of them and will also follow
their lead because they seem "cool" and also out of fear. Here is
where clicks and gangs can emerge which then only lead to greater
social distress.
So, what do we do? As a community, "Parents", we need to insist
on our children showing us respect when they speak and interact with
us. Once again, this does not mean that we do not actively listen and
help our children during stressful times. If anything, we become more
active and invested in what they share with us about their lives and
they will share more if they see us as interested and helpful, rather
than distant and angry. As non-parents to children, it is important
that we also demand respect when a child or adolescent is speaking , or
yelling, at us. Once again, if they are taking things too far, they
are unconsciously asking us for help for even the worst bully probably
knows that he or she is breaking the rules and will calm down when we
help them by not letting them do something that will on some level make
them feel "bad". Oh, and when kids feel bad, they do bad things
because they think they deserve to be punished and then need limits to
help them better function in the community at large.
Key Points:
1. Make it safe for your kids to express even the strongest feelings to you - in choice words.
2. Be brave, and demand parental respect in how your kids speak to you.
3. Make all kids respect you too. Help your community.
4. Disrespectful kids and teens become bullies and self-centered adults and typically only have friends who are like them.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
|
|
-
Background: One
of the basic roles of any parent is to be a detective when it comes to
figuring out what is causing a problem for one of their children. Most
parents have good intuition and attempt to remedy situations or
conditions to enhance the well being of their children before reaching
out for help and this is a good thing. One such area where parents are
always trying to help their children is in the area of school and all
parents are familiar with academic ups and downs depending upon a
number of factors such as: the particular subject; how well their
child likes the teacher; whether or not the child has friends in his or
her class; and the amount of homework, just to name a few. Taken
together, there are many feelings attached to schoolwork which can help to explain why a child might excel or fail.
Once a child is having academic problems in a class or in general
academically, in to figure out "why". Here, the parent is faced with
one of two possibilities: 1) an actual learning or academic issue; or
2) an emotional reaction to the work or how the work makes the child
feel inside. Or commonly, a combination of the two. Interestingly,
both of these explanations cause the same symptoms, but depending upon
the reason "why" the child is struggling will warrant different
assistance. For example, if the cause is "emotional", rather than
academic, the approach is being supportive, validating, and then
encouragement with both limits and rewards. On the other hand, if the
child does indeed have some sort of learning or academic problem, then
remediation may be necessary, such as a tutor or an educational
therapist. Once the reason has been identified and addressed, most
children feel better about themselves and their capabilities which then
translates into better grades and a better liking of school.
Misdiagnosis though in this area is common and can have long term
negative consequences.. For example, often times when a child is
having a difficult time completing tasks or concentrating, they are
quickly diagnosed as ADHD and placed on some sort of medication. Once
again, diagnoses, such as ADHD, are based on a list of symptoms that
could be caused by all sorts of conditions, which might be an
neurological one, but it could also be caused by anxiety, low
self-esteem, and even childhood depression. One can then see that if
the cause has not be properly identified, then the condition may not be
properly treated and then child does not improve as much as they could
with appropriate treatment or remediation.
Once a parent has exhausted his or her intuitive methods to help their
children, then seeking professional assistance is a very good idea.
Although most school districts will schedule a meeting to discuss and
potentially evaluate a child once he or she has been identified as a
"risk", this process may take quite a bit of time and is only typically
suggested if the child is failing. This then leaves the child who may
not be failing but struggling without a needed assessment to help
determine why there is a problem. This is where a learning center,
such a Sylvan, which is considered the best, can both assess and then
formulate a plan to help a child succeed in school. In such an
evaluation, Sylvan will further make a recommendation for a
psychological evaluation if their professionals detect that the cause
may be more than mild academic or emotionally driven. In many cases
however, once an assessment has been made and an academic and study
plan implemented, the child improves both emotionally and academically.
Key Points:
1. Academic problems can be either emotionally or learning driven.
2. Parents need to find the "real" underlying cause before implementing change.
3. Remediation needs to be based on a full assessment by professionals.
4. An inaccurate diagnosis leads to continued struggling and often endless medication trials.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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|
|
-
As with any transition, preparing ahead of time is always a good idea.
When situations are thought through, discussed, and planned for, there
tends to be less anxiety generated and a greater likelihood for
success. Young children in particular are not yet capable of thinking
in the abstract and plan ahead and need assistance in understanding
what is expected of them and how to reach their goals. Many times
parents place responsibilities on their children that they are not able
to developmentally manage which can set their child up for failure. The
responsibilities of school are common areas where parents either expect
their child to manage themselves or rely on the school to teach them
how to both organize and study.
Each January after the holidays represent opportunities for parents to discuss change and goals for the new year.
Parents of both grade and middle school students need to sit down with their children prior to
beginning school and
discuss both expectations and plans on how to help them succeed.
Reviewing the importance of school, your faith in their abilities to
manage their work, and discussing concepts such as studying,
organization, and note taking are all essential in making sure their
child feels prepared. Often times after such discussions, the parents
and child determine that there may be some areas that need some
assistance and this can then be provided which then serves to avoid a
later problem. As I have discussed in prior segments, self esteem is
generated when the child him of herself experiences success. When the
child has the tools necessary to manage their life, success is more
likely.
On the other hand, if your child is doing well, be sure to pat them on the back and tell them that you are happy for them.
Structure is also very important. Children and adolescents who have
a daily "routine" tend to do better academically and socially. For
example, it is always a good idea to have an after-school plan which
entails: 1) an after-school snack; 2) some time for play or sport; and
then 3) a scheduled homework time to be performed in a distraction-free
environment. Once homework has been completed, a "reward" time can be
offered to celebrate getting through their assignments after a long day
of school. When children have something to look forward towards, they
tend to feel less frustrated and seem more motivated.
For the high school student, who can think in the abstract and
hopefully understand that their success at this time of their academic
life will serve later goals, discussions are also necessary but
inquiring with them about how they plan to manage their school work
will make them feel as though you respect their intellect. If however,
you determine that they do not seem able to manage themselves well
enough, you will have to help them as well. Allowing children and
adolescents to "learn from their mistakes" is poor judgment on the part
of the parent for the child and adolescent is not yet mature enough to
manage their lives independently without parents.
Key Points:
1. discuss school beginning with your child now to get them ready
2. review expectations for the "new"
year ahead of time
3. implement structure to help with success
4. make sure they have an academic plan and can perform the required tasks
5. get them some help if needed early
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, January 4th @ 8:20 on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: 15 year old Billy told his parents that his New Year's
Resolution for 2008 would be to get straight A's this year in school to
better his chances for college admission. Up to this point, Billy had
historically struggled in school given some mild learning differences
and and a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, both
of which he had received assistance in managing. Billy's wish to
elevate his grades is based on the reality of college admission
competition and also in service of wanting to please his parents and
raise his own self-esteem. Despite his encouraging statement to his
parents, both his mother and father were concerned that Billy set his
expectations too high given his natural attributes. In particular, his
father was concerned that Billy was going to set himself up for a let
down.
This type of senario is very common when both children and
adults alike set New Year's Resolutions. In many cases, individuals
have had particular struggles over the previous year which they decide
they want to conquer. They therefore set out personal expectations for
the upcoming year hoping that the particular struggle will be conquered
once and for all. Unfortunately, many of the sought after goals are
either too high or unrealistic to reach which then result in a personal
failure for the individual causing lower self-esteem and a sense of
failure. We see this quite often in weight loss or smoking cessation
programs. Once an individual witnesses personal failure, they will be
less likely to seek that particular goal in the future and subsequently
feel like a failure for not being able to reach their goal.
There are four basic reasons why many New Year's Resolutions
fail. First, as mentioned earlier, the goal is either too high or
unrealistic. When an individual decides on a resolution, it is
essential that it is a reasonable achievement that can be reached
without over suffering. Second, failing to have a plan on "how to"
reach the resolution will commonly result in failure. Billy's decision
to get straight A's was made without him having a concrete plan on how
he was going to achieve this goal. Third, personal rewards along the
way towards the ultimate goal is essential. For most individuals,
children and adults alike, a final goal at the end of the tunnel often
times feels too far away and small rewards along the way help maintain
motivation to continue. One of my adolescent patients would buy himself
an "I-Tunes" song for 99 cents after two days of solid studying which
not only resulted in him being more motivated to study but also
eventually led to his overall GPA raising significantly at which time
he bought himself a new MP3 player as final reward. Finally, the final
reason why many resolutions fail is due to a lack of follow through.
Insight and thinking is essential in planning for a goal or a change,
but action MUST also follow and in many cases, this is where goals fail
to become reached. This is due to the establishment of habits which are
difficult to break even if they are maladaptive - in order to break any
unwanted habit, the individual must first decide they are going to
break it, understand why it developed in the first place, establish
some goals, determine a reasonable plan, follow through even if it does
not initially feel natural, and have rewards along the way and at the
end. Over time, the new habit will replace the old one and a new sense
of esteem will develop and will be the ultimate condition that keeps
the resolution in place. People who follow this type of protocol tend
to reach their resolution and keep the newfound trait in place.
Compliance however is necessary and the hardest part.
Key Points
1. resolutions must be realistic and attainable: work with your kids on these
2. have a concrete plan on how to reach them
3. establish mini rewards along the way
4. follow through - habits are hard to break
5. better esteem keeps the resolution intact
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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|
|
-
Background: For
many extended family members, the only time they have to spend and get
to know their young family members is over the holidays and the time is
often brief. From grandparents, to aunts, uncles, and cousins, this
time is invaluable to discover what is on the minds and in the hearts
of young children and even adolescents. To truly find out such
answers, the interested family member needs to find ways to enter into
their lives by joining in the child or adolescent's interests or
activities that they are comfortable doing.
It is almost essential that the adult visiting family members consult with the parents of the child to find out what they are interested in;
activities that they enjoy doing; and then demonstrate interest in such
activities when visiting. For example, last year, on of our viewers
here at San Diego 6 News wrote me to tell me that she always brings a
"bag of tricks" with her when she visits her grandchildren over the
holidays. Within her bag are items that she has found are liked and
enjoyed by her grandchildren including drawing materials, puzzles, and
two familiar board games. She told me that because she is attuned to
their interests, the children readily play with her and teach her about
their lives. Each year she then "updates" her bag based on changes
that she had learned about not changes in their development.
Family outings are also great ideas as long as the activity has something for everyone.
Making an adolescent go to a museum over the holidays, if they are not
interested in museums, will elicit resistance and complaints, and will
often ruin the trip for the rest of the family. Therefore, it is a
good idea to find activities that all family members seem to enjoy and
take a vote. If not everyone can agree, then taking activity turns is
another option.
A common error that many adults make when interacting with
children is trying to "make them" participate in some activity over the
holiday that they do not either enjoy or understand. Although
the intent is positive, it is better that with little time to bond,
that the chosen activities are fun and interesting to the child.
Spending time with adolescent family members is another story. As most
adolescents would much rather spend time with their friends, which is
normal, finding activities that they will do with you may be difficult,
but not impossible. Adults
can "hang out" with adolescents as long as they do not ask them too
many questions and try to find activities that they like to do, which
are usually shopping or going to a movie. The reason here is that, they like "stuff" and a movie is a compromise in spending time together but not talking too much.
On a final note, try not to feel rejected by your young family members if you only visit them on holidays.
Like everyone else, they may take some time to re-familiarize
themselves with you and begin perhaps shy or resistant. Give them some
time and remain positive and interested. In most cases, they will come
around although it might be the last day of the holiday. But, be sure
to enjoy that day.
Happy Holidays from all of us her at San Diego 6 News and San Diego Living.
Key Points:
1. Join in their interests, not yours!
2. Do your homework - find out what they like to do.
3. Activities need to have something for everyone.
4. With adolescents, do NOT ask them too many questions. Tell them what you have heard about them.
5. Try NOT to feel rejected if they act shy or resistant at first.
|
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising
Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy
children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental,
educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting
together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring,
and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
|
|
-
Background: Once again another teenager lost a life in a late night car accident. It
is not too surprising that a recent study was released indicating that
the number one cause of deaths in the teenager popular are
driving-related. These statistics pertain to both the drivers
and child- passengers in cars driven by children between the ages of 15
and 18. The numbers further suggest that the younger the driver, the
higher the danger, and once through the adolescent years, the
statistics decline and safety is greater for all parties involved.
Causes listed for the deaths included: alcohol, text messaging,
not wearing seat belts, distraction, and racing at high speeds, just to
name a few. Although the study made some very important suggestions to
parents about how to better educate their children and provide greater
safety (see Figure 1), it is also important for parents to understand
from a developmental point of view, why giving an adolescent too much
responsibility can backfire in certain circumstances. This is not to
say that some teenagers demonstrate the maturity to drive safely, but
making the assumption purely on the basis of passing a driving test
that they are mature-enough to take care of themselves and others is a
risky leap. Unfortunately, and certainly influenced by the excited
adolescent driver, is that because they passed the driving test that
they have all of a sudden become "mature and responsible".
Understandably, this may seem like music to the ears of parents, but
may not actually be the case.
Adolescents are in a stage of developmental flux until they pass
into Young Adulthood. In fact, much of the common rebellion that the
adolescent demonstrates stems from two basic sources: wishes to be
independent and different from their parents; and second, an increase
in drives such as aggression and sexuality. These two influences then
place stress on the adolescent's changing Conscience and at times
causes poor judgment and acting out. In some cases, it is worse than
in others, but all teenagers have their ups and downs. The advent of a
drivers license then becomes very exciting to them and ignites all of
these feelings and if the adolescent is not self-responsible enough, a
crisis can occur.
Therefore, aside from sitting down with your child and reviewing the
external realities of driving, as listed in Figure 1, parents also need
to make their own assessment as to whether or not their child is
mature-enough to handle driving a car. This is determined by the
parent or parents reviewing to themselves an overview about their own
child which includes:
1. are they doing well in school?
2. how is their overall sense of judgment?
3. how do they manage their stress?
4. are they using drugs and alcohol?
5. what are their friendships like?
6. how do they respond to authority?
7. are they planning ahead for their future?
8. do they see driving as a privilege?
If the answers to such questions are positive, then you
may have an adolescent who is responsible-enough to drive a car
safely. However, if the answers to these questions are negative, you
may want to work with them to attain these criteria before you let them
out on the streets. It is also important to review the suggestions
made in Figure 1 as well and consider putting together a "Driving
Contract" which includes the requirements you have determined to allow
them to use a car. These contracts are also a nice way to help the
adolescents continue to take responsibility for themselves which in the
long run will increase both their self-esteem and their own safety as
well as those of others. Another precaution would be to mandate your
child be enrolled in an extensive driver's training class before they
hit the road. No longer is driver's training a public high school
requirement as it was a decade ago. It therefore has become the role
of the parent to provide eduction and training when other resources are
not available.
Figure 1:
*Insist on wearing seat belts.
*Set rules about safe passenger behavior and discuss what can be distracting to the driver.
*Monitor children's travel: where they're going; how they're getting there and who is with them.
*Know the driver - and know that it's unsafe for children to ride with teens who have less than a year of driving experience.
*Practice ways for children to feel comfortable declining a ride.
*Prepare
children for facing a potentially risky driving situation. Create a
code word they can use to signal trouble and that you need to pick them
up.
{Source: The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia}
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
Your Family Matters "Hot
Topics" for 2010: Viewer Requested Topics: January/Febraury
"Divorce Attorney Nightmares": Sponsored and endorsed by
consumer protection-oriented attorneys and advocates, Your Family Matters will explore
the divorce industry in California
and the destruction and sorrow that comes out of this deeply flawed
system. The statistics are staggering---more than 70% of
marriages in California
end in divorce. This is big business for family lawyers, who are paid by
the hour and have no financial incentive to settle cases. The
court system is equally flawed, making it very difficult for couples to handle
their own divorce. The end result? Instead of trying to
help families and children get through the divorce process with as little
suffering as possible, many divorce lawyers fuel the conflict to generate
higher fees. . . and couples become embroiled in out-of-control litigation they
don’t understand or need. Fueled by our viewers’ stories
with local experiences, legal and healthcare experts will help consumers
better understand how to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and more
importantly will provide information and alternative methods for handling divorce----methods
which involve less time, less stress and will leave consumers with money left over
to get on with their lives.
"Raising Healthy Children": What are the basic ingredients in raising healthy children? Dr. Kanner will consider a range of developmental, educational, social, emotional, and family practices in putting together a formula for parents to consider in raising healthy, caring, and self-responsible children.
More "Hot Topics" to follow for the months of March through December 2010.
|
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
|
|
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Be sure to watch this segment live this Monday,
December 7th @ 8:20a.m. on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: Not everyone
is happy when the holiday season approaches especially if he or she has
withstood some sort of crisis or loss over the past year. The loss of
a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a home to the recent wildfires, or
significant changes in one's health or occupational status can cause
feelings of shock, despair, sadness, or even depression. For any
individual going through one of these possible conditions, the
festivities of the season may intensify strong uncomfortable feelings.
For these individuals, spending time with loved ones, friends, and
trying to find activities to help them feel better are important.
The role of close friends is important as well, but many are
uncertain as how to best help a friend in need. For people going
through grief, the warmth of a friend can be very comforting and
helpful. Inviting a friend in need over for a holiday celebration,
trying to spend some special time together, and even buying them a
special and meaningful gift can help someone in need cope better with a
recent setback. Should a close friend try to get the one going through
a tough time to talk about it?
Regarding discussions about grief or loss,
it is important to consider that children and adults are in different
developmental and psychological states and will manage crises
differently. Although the grief process is the same, the capacity to
tolerate affects and feelings are different. Understandably, adults are
more mature and typically will be able to talk about their feelings
more readily, while children experiencing grief are usually in
extensive defensive operations in order to continue to cope. In other
words, it will take children much longer to talk about their grief
experiences than adults and should NOT be pushed to do so. They will
open up when ready as long as they are in a supportive and loving
environment.
In reference to adults in grief states, it is very important that
their friends DO acknowledge their sympathy to them and encourage them
to talk if they wish to. Here, the friend is offering a supportive
environment to grieve which will assist them in getting through the
process and help them get through the initial period of shock.
During the time spent with friends experiencing grief, one must expect
inconsistencies in both thought and feeling. Confusion, memory
problems, mood swings, irritability, sadness, crying, anger, and even
laughter are all expected during the initial phase of a grief reaction.
Supportive friends who expect these types of manifestations are both
better prepared and helpful by tolerating such alterations in mood and
thought. Over time, such emotional swings will lessen and the person
will eventually return to their previous state of mind, but this could
take up to 6 months.
Although being supportive and available, it is also important that
friend's try to keep their suffering friend(s) on track. Here,
continuing in daily planned activities, including holiday plans, are
important in helping the grieving in witnessing that life continues and
when they can experience their capacity to manage everyday tasks, it
increases their confidence that they will overcome the crisis and move
ahead in their life.
Finally, when helping others work through their grief, it may also
reawaken one's own experiences with loss which though saddening, can
also lead to a greater awareness and understanding of their friend's
experience and provide greater empathy.
Key Points:
1. Reach out to your friends in need
2. Encourage adults to talk about
their losses and troubles but NOT young children
3. Children will talk when they are ready and will need support-let them know you are there when they are ready
4. Thoughts and emotions are inconsistent for up to 6 months for people going through crisis or loss
5. Help your friends keep activities on schedule to help functionality
6. Grief in others reawakens past experiences of one's own grief which can cause temporary sadness
Supporting others in need helps both parties become stronger in their mutual capacity to manage misgivings.
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
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Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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