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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday, November 23rd @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background:
"Attitude is everything". We have all heard this before, but is it
true? Research teaches us that people with a generally positive
attitude towards life tend to fair better in all major aspects of their
lives from relationships to work and even in terms of financial
success. In fact, positive people tend to even live longer whether or
not they are single or married. But, why are some people just more
"naturally" optimistic than others. Is there really such as thing as a
"happy gene", or does it have more to do with how a person manages
stress and conflict? Of course, the answer is both. Genetics really
do determine something that we call "temperament", or that inborn
personality that we all see with our kids when they come into our
lives. In fact, those of us with more than one child also realize that
each child has a different personality and this has nothing to do with
parenting. So, hard wiring does play a significant role in whether a
person naturally sees the glass half empty or half full. But, can that
imprint be somehow modified if you did not happen to inherit that
smiling jean? Let's take a look.
It's the old nature versus nurture debate and the conclusion is the
same. Yes, to a certain extent, if we try hard enough, we can make a
difference. Think of heart disease. If an individual has a family
history of heart disease, chances are, they will die from a heart
attack. But, if that same person takes care of their diet, exercise,
and attitude, life is frequently extended from what would have
otherwise been predicted. Psychological predispositions are also real
and how one chooses to manage their inside and outside worlds also has
an effect on their degree of managing the mental side of life. Here is
where parenting can really make a difference. Aside from teaching our
children about the world and how to better endue and enjoy, a parent's
attitude about life spills over onto their children. We have all seen
this in the observations of our friends. Happy people tend to produce
happy kids, and negative people tend to produce negative kids
irrespective of having happy or not happy genetics. This is good news
and bad news. The good news is that as parents, we can really make a
difference in our child's happiness. The bad news, is that our
attitude can also cause more hardship on our children if we let it.
Therefore, the objective for any parenting adult is twofold: taking
charge of your own destiny and trying to better teach your child the
most beneficial ways to manage and enjoy life. As my friend and
colleague, John Assaraf are I are busy outlining, pondering, and
writing our first book together, My Father The Jewish Mother, much
about attitude has to do with "choice". We all have challenges,
crises, and hard times, but each person also has aspects of his or her
life where they need to be thankful and let that be the guiding light.
This is not to live in a state of denial of hard times and hardships,
which just would not be an intelligent choice, but more how to both
take tough times in stride and hold onto the aspects of life that bring
us pleasure and happiness. For some, it is having the gift of healthy
children; for others,it might be being in love. The point regardless,
is to always be thankful for something that you have.
Attitude may be seen as the most valuable coping mechanism. A positive
attitude reduces stress, increases thinking, and enhances judgment. It
also increases friendships and social affiliation. Try this for a
day. Everywhere you go, smile and say hi to everyone you come into
contact with. Whether this is towards someone you know, or even a
complete stranger. The response you will receive will likely be
positive and you will feel better. Behind your smile is a conscious
sense of "thankfulness" for things you have in your life that help you
stay strong when your have to deal with less than fortunate realities
that we all endure. For me, it's always my three healthy and beautiful
kids who I thank G-- for everyday.
Once a individual practices being positive, while at the same time
withstanding the common ups and downs of everyday life, attitude can
change, but it takes time and practice. Blending positive thinking
with staying focused and invested in one's life is the key to living a
happy and healthy life and passing that down to your children may be
the best gift you can give them.
Key Points:
1. Being thankful for what you do have, elevates mood and productivity
2. People like being around positive people
3. Attitude is both genetic and learned
4. Children can inherit your attitude
5. A positive attitude is a healthy coping mechanism
6. Try smiling and say hello to everyone for a day
Happy Thanksgiving.
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
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Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner this Monday, November 16th @ 8:20am discuss this segment live on San Diego 6 News In the morning.
Over this past week, many professionals have blamed the Fort
Hood shootings on a failure to see the "warning signs" exhibited by Dr. Hasan. Some of these included angry statements
about the government, giving items away, and him appearing somewhat strange as
compared to previous times in his life.
From a clinical point of view, these are signs of a person in some sort
of distress and addressing these when first noticed would have perhaps
prevented the loss of innocent lives.
However, most people do not know what to look for considering such
warning signs in their friends or co-workers based on the fact that they are
not mental health providers.
Therefore, educating people about what to look for in others is a very
important practice to help keep things safe whenever possible. As emotional disturbance comes from the
inside worlds of people, where others do not have access,and the public is placed
in a position to what is “observable” to determine if a particular behavior is
a “warning sign”. Obviously, people
who are closer to a person will be in a better position to make such a
determination, but some signs are fairly visible to the attentive viewer. Such acute signs might include:
1.
Strange thinking or behaviors
2.
Poor judgment
3.
Withdrawn and isolative
4.
Finalistic thinking and actions
5.
Impulsive behaviors
6.
Social, occupational, or educational problems
But, what about kids?
Do they follow the same patterns as adults or not? Sometimes yes, but sometimes no, and
parents and adults need to know what to look for as "warning signs" in kids too.
Dangerous games, failing grades, drug and alcohol abuse,
habitual rebellious behavior, and in the worst case, teenage suicide, are
all examples of “warning signs” that a “tween” or adolescent are in trouble,
and that their behavior is not normal as compared to what is considered
expected for a teenager. The old adage that “kids will be kids” can be a
dangerous assumption if one does not fully understand what is considered
“normal” versus abnormal behavior when considering a middle or high school-aged
boy or girl. As psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychoanalysts, we
speak of the typical processes of separation and individuation as children and
adolescents alike consciously and unconsciously attempt to separate themselves
and be psychologically independent from their adult counterparts by
acting and doing things differently in efforts to feel less dependent and more
grown up, but the degree and extent to which course might take must consider
individual differences based on both the personality and particular conflicts
each child and adolescent endures.
Another important consideration is that by definition, adolescents tend to feel
normally invincible and their judgment tends to be commonly inconsistent based
on the influences of strong feelings of aggression and sexuality which puts
great stress on their consciousnesses. Coupled with peer influences, pressure
to do well in school, and a more or less self-centered view of the world based
on their general sense of vulnerability, decisions are often half thought
through and mistakes happen from time to time. When this happens, most
“good” parents set limits and the behaviors calm down, until the next periodic
time of “not thinking” occurs. However, occasional poor judgment is far different
than consistent investments in self-compromising behaviors which tend to place
this group of children into frequent states of peril. When this happens,
we see these choices as symptoms of something much larger inside of the
adolescent causing disturbance and subsequent maladaptive behaviors.
Exactly what is going on inside of these particular children needs more
investigation to determine for example as whether or not they are depressed,
going through a rough developmental period, or withstanding an even more
debilitating personality disturbance. However, it takes an invested
parent who is observing their child on a daily basis and who has some sense of
what is considered normal or not, to make the determination as to whether or
not their child needs help.
In most cases, when parents find that their child is going down a less than
optimal pathway, they intervene and talk with their child and then if there is
a lack of change, they get them some help. This is why most adolescents
are not either depressed or failing out of high school. Parents however,
need to constantly be on alert as to how their child is managing his or her
lives during these critical years. We all know that most adolescents do not
talk openly to their parents for those same reasons of wanting to be “on their
own”, but their behaviors usually speak loud and clear as to how they are
really feeling about life and themselves. Very few children who are
really suffering have a lack of presently symptoms that can be identified by
anyone outside of the boy or girl who has the knowledge of normality
versus abnormality and pay attention to their children. Symptoms are
basically anything that is evidence of something self-compromising to a child
or adolescent, but the top most common ones are as follows:
1. failing grades in school
2. habitual risk-taking behaviors
3. daily negative self-statements
4. a absence of friendships
5. evidence of self-injurious activities (i.e. cutting)
6. poor hygiene after age 12
7. school behavior problems
8. trouble with the law
9. consistent oppositional attitude towards all adults
10. evidence of drug and alcohol paraphernalia
Limits placed on these issues by parents help children in elevating
their self-esteem and subsequently helps them better manage their
feelings which at this stage feel out of their control. When a parent
helps, these noted symptoms often subside, and the risk of their actions
intensifying lessen. However if a parent fails to identify such problems
and fail to get them some help if their best efforts fall short, their child
will continue to suffer and their problems may intensify leading to some
sort of crisis which can then hurt the entire family
and those of others.
Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv
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Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Background:
If you have a graduating Senior in your household this year, then you
are experiencing one of the most exciting, yet fearful, experiences
that your child will endure - graduating from high school and leaving
home to some new and unknown place next Fall. As the application
deadlines are quickly approaching, the seniors are busy writing essays,
taking SAT and ACT exams over again to try to increase their scores,
trying to keep up on their normal school work, and unconsciously
wondering what it is going to be like leaving home and living
independently. In addition, they are mourning the loss of the comforts
of home and high school and are also having to consider what will
happen to their current friendships one they leave for college. It is
truly a full plate and depending upon the particular character and
experiences of the person, will determine how he or she will manage the
tasks at hand.
At first glance, many parents will state that their child seems "fine"
or "quiet" and doesn't seem to say much about the upcoming challenges
and changes. This may or may not be a good sign for that child might
be managing the steps at hand or be in a state of denial which is not
ideal. In this case, denial would serve as a reaction to fear and
could cause problems in the process of both completing applications and
preparing to leave home. So, as a parent, how do you determine where
your child is in this process? If you are like many parents, your high
school student has been striving for more independence over the past
few years. Finding out what is really going on in their lives is
tricky for most want to be "left alone" and will actively try to push
you away. As we all know, the parents who take such steps too
personally and actually emotionally distance themselves from their
children create a less than optimal growing environment for their
adolescent where the child feels often abandoned and subsequently will
get into trouble as a way of unconsciously repairing the feared loss of
their parent. On the other hand, those adolescents who do not
differentiate from their parents "enough" feel overly dependent on them
and are equally afraid to venture out on their own. In either of
these "extreme" cases, when regression, or an internal reactions to
stress comes into play, such as when college applications are on the
table, family life can become chaotic and unpleasant for all.
So, how can parents best help their child manage the "normal" anxieties
of getting ready to leave home and complete the application process
before the deadlines expire? The answer is go to them, if they are not coming to you.
Sometimes the college application process brings back harmony in the
adolescent-parent relationship for the child is feeling
independent-enough to work together with their parents as joint parties
after years of mild to moderate opposition, but in other cases, the
adolescent is not ready yet to re-connect with their parent without
feeling too controlled. In either case however, when the parents know
what the tasks are at hand, in this case college applications, and go
to their child and both ask "how it is going" and then offer help, the
adolescent will be more likely to allow you to help if you are both
empathic and not overly controlling. This is one of those important
times to remember that your help should be designed to only help them
as much as they need to too in order to successfully get the task
accomplished. Parents who "take over the application process" convey
to their child that they do not believe they are capable to manage the
process and sends the message that the parent does not have faith in
their child's capacity to manage themselves away from home. As the
college application process is the first step in leaving home, it is
very important that parents work together with their child to prepare
for greater independence NOW, not later.
Ideally then, the senior works in collaboration with their parents in
getting the applications completed, edited, and sent off to the
colleges before the deadlines expire. Some regression is normal (
internal anxiety leading to external compromises, such as apathy), and
here is where the loving and supportive parent can really help by both
encouraging both the application completion and then a greater focus on
helping their child feel competent about leaving home and surviving
away from home.
Over the next 6 months, Your Family Matters will focus on the process
of helping your college senior prepare to leave home so their initial
experience in college will be more rewarding than stressful. But
first, help them get those applications in before the deadlines.
Key Points:
1. The college application process is the first reality step in leaving home
2. Most Seniors are both excited but also nervous
3. If too nervous, applications might be difficult to complete
4. Parents need to go to them and offer help
5. Once completed, practice is needed to build independent confidence
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Background:
Given the name,Group Think" seems to support the notion that two heads
are better than one, or that there is safety in numbers. The reality
is that this may be true in some situations, but not in others. For
example, while many Fortune 500 companies thrive on the positive notion
of teamwork equating with success, there are other times when the
greater numbers of people lead to negative outcomes and anything but
fortune.
This past week a high school student was gang raped after her
Homecoming dance in northern California. What is even more astonishing
is that there were a number of witnesses who did nothing to help this
poor individual. Many of these witnesses stated that they were either
afraid they would get hurt or that someone else would do something to
help the victim. In this case, no one went to her aid and she was
horribly attacked.
Unfortunately, this type of situation is well-known in the psychology
world under the heading of Bystander Intervention. Here, many studies
have shown that when a person is in a condition of aggressive danger,
the more people present, the less likely help will occur. The
underlying premise is two-fold: first, someone else will help; and
second, a fear that something bad will happen to the person who reaches
out to help. In the end, many studies and true events have shown over
and over again that these type of situation then lead to disaster,
which was again confirmed this past week with this poor girl after her
dance.
On the other end of the spectrum are the heroes and people blessed with
altruism. I place firefighters, law enforcement, and the military.
These individuals seem to not be effected by such statistics, but we
cannot always rely on one of these "heroes" to be present every time
there is a dangerous situation to save the day.
So, how do we get people to help others despite such real statistics and studies? Education of this known condition and actions that can be taken to help victims with safe and effective ways to intervene. Either way, apathy is erased and help is provided to the victim.
Countering Group Think:
1. Better educate people about the problem with group apathy during crisis situations.
2. Encourage altruism in both children and adults
3. Consider safe ways to help victims, such as calling for help early
4. Don't assume others will help. Take responsibility to help others.
5. You do not have to place yourself in danger to help another person
Taking these 5 points to heart not only helps save lives but also
instills the notion of the importance of helping others which should
make each person feel better as a person.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic this Monday, October 26th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: Most children are busy daydreaming this week about
getting ready for Halloween parties and trick or treating next Saturday.
However, Halloween can be both a fun or scary experience depending upon
certain precautions that parents need to put in place. To begin with,
costumes can be both amusing and fun but also quite frightening when
considering the age of the child.
For the under 6- year olds, too much exposure to costumes or
decorations involving blood, guts, or mangled body parts, as well as
too scary a costume, can evoke both extreme anxiety and bad dreams. In
some cases, such over-stimulation can cause fears which can last up to
a month or longer. Parents of this group of children need to both be
careful what they allow their child to wear as well as what they are
exposed to during the Halloween ritual. It is recommended that this
group begin trick or treating as early as possible and end before the
older children get onto the streets wearing graphic costumes and
engaging in possible pranks. Obviously, parents need to stay very close
to the children in this age group. In addition, when approaching homes
with creepy decorations, be sensitive as to whether your child will be
too affected by the decor and if so, you may wish to miss that
particular house. Haunted houses are also NOT recommended for the under
6 year-olds for the same reasons as mentioned regarding costumes and
decorations for children in this age group are still between fantasy
and reality thinking and graphic exposure may feel "too real" to them
causing undue anxiety.
For the 6 to 11 year-olds, it is suggested that parents also stay close
by as they venture onto the streets due to possible dangers that could
occur due to group behaviors and the effects of anonminity that wearing
costumes can cause - for example, children are more likely to act out
if their identity is masked. In addition, impulsiveness increases in
numbers. Therefore, parents are needed to safeguard the grade school
aged child.
Regarding the early to middle adolescents, they will most
likely try to ditch any parent who attempts to tag along, but it is
still suggested that the parents of this age group are still somewhere
present in the neighborhood - perhaps in a parked car at the end of the
street - here, the adolescent has some independence but also some
supervision to help keep them from getting into any trouble. Hopefully,
the post 16 year olds have given up trick or treating, so this should
not be an issue for most parents.
As always, parents need to check through the candy and toss
away anything that is unwrapped or seems questionable. Furthermore,
limits need to be placed on the amount of candy eaten in order to avoid
potential negative health effects. Following these guidelines should
assist in a fun and happy Halloween.
Safe Halloween Planning Key Points:
1. For the under 6-year-olds, be careful about exposure to scary costumes/houses.
2. Start the evening early for the small children to avoid older children antics.
3. Up to preadolescence, parents need to be chaperones for safety.
4. For the early to middle adolescent, position yourself at a checkpoint.
5. Always check through candy and limit consumption.
You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Be sure to watch CW Television's Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday morning at 8:20 on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Also, check out his Tip Of The Day each morning on San Diego Living at 9:40am. His new radio show, Dr. Kanner & Company will be coming soon to AM/FM and WS-Radio. Stay tuned.
Background:
If you are like most parents, either this past week or next week is
your first parent-teacher conference of the year. Unlike in middle and
high school where such conferences no longer exist unless your child is
in serious trouble, the grade school parent-teacher conferences are of
vital importance and need to be taken VERY seriously by the parent.
This is due to the fact that learning is a developmental task that
begins early in a child's life and is influenced strongly by the
efforts of both the elementary school teacher and parent alike. The
development of interest in school, reading, organization, academic
responsibility and completion of tasks each have their origins in the
earliest years of school, something we child psychoanalysts called
"critical periods" and how the parent works in conjunction with the
teacher's observations and recommendations for the child will seriously
impact and shape the future academic success of that particular child.
As we all know, parenting is a full time job and having some outside
help is always refreshing and gives some breathing time, but parents
cannot rely on the teacher to be the only one who is responsible for
the academic success of a child. This is just not fair and if each
parent does not support the efforts and suggestions of each teacher, at
each conference, the child will sense the loophole and not necessarily
listen to the teacher and subsequently not learn and perform up to that
child's full capacity. This then becomes a personal shortcoming for
the child and could later result in lower self-esteem when it comes to
academic confidence. Furthermore, the child senses that the important
adults in their lives are not on the same page and some children might
also feel as though their parents "don't really care about them" if
they do not support the efforts of the well-intended teacher.
Many parents think that maturity will somehow kick in and their child
will all of a sudden become a scholar. Not true. Yes, some children
seem naturally interested in learning and school and some even come
"pre-wired" in terms of being organized and dedicated students. If you
have one of these children, you are blessed, for it is not the norm.
Children learn from the adults most important to them in their lives,
namely parents, teachers, coaches, and close family friend adults. By
grade school, boys and girls tend to further identify with the adult
of the same sex more than of the opposite sex. Therefore for the grade
school girls, they will look at their moms more seriously for academic
referencing than their dads and vice versa for the boys. This does not
mean that the opposite sex parent is NOT important for referencing, but
the 5 to 12 year old is developing very strong gender identifications
and if they have a parent of the same sex who is academically
interested and serious, there is a much greater chance that a child
will take on those traits before becoming that "tween" and "teen" who
wants to be different than both parents.
So, what do we do?
1. Take notes at the parent-teacher conference.
At my daughter's 5th grade conference this week, where she was actually
present, I wrote down everything her teacher suggested and made a list
of her classes, assignments, goals, expectations, and study-skill
recommendations. Expecting my bright daughter, as adorable as she is,
to educate me on these things is NOT expected for her age, so I knew I
needed to educate myself so I could help her.
2. Support the teacher.
Most parents are not trained teachers and do not fully grasp how a
child learns. Teachers are trained professionals in the learning field
and teach both our children and us how learning takes place and what
needs to be done to best help our children reach their academic
potentials. In addition, they see aspects of our children that we do
not because we do not go to school with them and typically see them in
a learning environment. We all really know that ignorance is truly NOT
bliss, and that the most educated people tend to be the most
successful, so listen to the teacher and implement what they suggest we
do at home to help our children.
3. Learning doesn't stop at school.
Homework is what it is. Working and learning at home. We all loathe
it, but there is far too much to learn about the world in a 6 hour day
at school, so we all need to make the effort to stay focused and get
through the task. When we as parents take homework seriously in grade
school children and reward the accomplishment of the tasks, most
children then habitually adapt to this type of schedule during the
middle and high school years and there tends to be less of a battle
than otherwise if parents do not enforce the necessity of homework and
studying.
4. Mandate a planner.
Most grade school teachers try to get their students to write down
their assignments in some sort of a planner and also have many of the
assignments on-line as a back-up. However, relying on a grade school
child to perform these tasks without their parent checking each and
everyday is a recipe for disaster. Be sure you tell your child that he
or she MUST write down their assignments, due dates, tests, and other
required assignments and show them to you everyday! In fact, I always
suggest that a typical homework day should go as follows:
1. a break after school with a good snack and some time for play or exercise.
2. a set homework time where: a) the child has a quiet and
distraction-free area with good light; b) they must show you what they
have to do that day and what the rest of their week plan will be; c)
they must show you that they fully completed the tasks before
finishing. Short breaks are fine provided you get them back on track.
3. a reward time after homework is over.
When parents demonstrate this type of investment in their child's
homework, the benefits are numerous, there is less fighting over time,
and the child's success builds into self-esteem and a liking for
school.
5. Help them when necessary.
It is always a good idea to let your child do their work if they truly
know how to do it, but most children need help in various areas, most
notably organization. Note taking, how to study for a test, how to
make and use flash cards for vocabulary words, are not genetically
based and are learned. So, do not be afraid to share some of your old
study tips that you learned when you were a kid. And, if you are rusty,
ask their teacher for some tips. As I read with my 10 year-old, we now
write down all of the words she does not know, put them on a 3x5 card
with the word on one side and the definition on the other and I keep
them in the car so when we are on a long drive, I have her teach me the
words and we have fun learning together.
6. Use the next parent-teacher conference as a check point for how both you and your child are doing.
I am stressing the point here that homework and studying during the
grade school years is a family affair. If WE do our homework, then our
children become more capable and independent during the middle school
and high school years. This does not mean that we are still not fully
invested and overseeing their "job" as a student, but if we invest
heavily during grade school, it will pay off for them and us.
You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday, October 12th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning
With the recent
traffic fatality last week in Rancho Santa Fe, most everyone has been in a
state of both agony and shock that once again a group of well-liked and admired
teenagers were involved in a horrible accident that left one boy dead and
others injured. Unfortunately, these horrible stories happen at least once a
year and we all ask ourselves where are we going wrong. Why can’t we better protect our youth
from placing themselves and others in peril?
I have spoken to dozens of both
teenagers and parents alike who either knew these boys and their families and
all of them are understandably both in shock and bewilderment. All collectively share in the empathy
towards the Capozza family and wonder how a family can possibly recover from
the loss of a child. They can’t.
Losing a child is considered the worst possible loss any parent could envision.
It is nothing less than a part of yourself dying while you are still
alive.
Most of the teenagers I have spoken
to over the past week, whether they knew these boys or not have been effected
by this tragedy. How could they not be?
How could any invested parent or any teenager not be sickened and
saddened and worried about their own kids and themselves and friends based on
being a parent or teenager who has friends? They can’t and they shouldn’t. After all, we are all in this together as parents raising
children trying to do the best we can, and adolescents also are invested in protecting
their friends too. And empathy and
identification from the teenagers and adults alike towards each other is a
healthy and needed part of developing into a healthy person.
For years as educators, clinicians,
and even in the media, we try to teach and share experiences in order to try to
enrich both personal responsibility and hopefully save lives. The very same movies that my generation
watched in driver’s education are the same that are viewed today. I still remember watching “Red Asphalt” when I was a Junior in high school and the effect it had on me. But, over the years, we have expanded on trying to
bring this “personal” experience home to our adolescents. One student told me this past week that
at her school, they actually placed the crashed car which killed one of her
friends last year on the quad in the middle of the school to try to remind the
students NOT to drink and drive.
The bad news is that she told me that the parties still continue and
many teenagers at her school still get drunk and drive. The demolished car still remains on the quad.
Nevertheless, such personal
connections is what saves lives.
In fact, the closer one is
to witnessing a horrible event, the less likely it will happen to them for they
feel “closer” to the experience and can better relate to the consequence. This is perhaps one of the most
important , yet painful life lessons. The problem however is how can we get
both adults and teenagers alike to better connect to these experiences on a
personal level without having to go through a crisis?
Here is where we have to look at the
differences between adolescents and adults and also take into consideration
individual differences. It is true
that there are some teenagers who are mature-enough to demonstrate good judgment,
are clear thinkers, and make good decisions at least most of the time. However,
these folks are very mature for their age and usually have parents who have
managed to balance being protective-enough with allowing some room for
exploration but not in dangerous ways.
But, on the other hand, we
need to understand that an adolescent is NOT an adult and should not be placed
in situations that they may not be able to handle without the helpful hand of
their parents. How many adolescents do you know who are really that mature? I’m counting about 5 or 6 I can think
of and the rest are still in the “normal” phase of developing and trying to
figure out who they are and how to deal with typically strong emotions and
situations which tend to alter judgment.
The bottom line is that we have to
keep trying to find ways to teach our teenagers about the facts of life in
hopes of making them “think” before they act, but we have to do more, because
we are not doing enough.
Parenting needs to be a full time
job, nothing less. Despite
children and adolescents striving towards being their own person, pushing us
away, hating our guts when we say “
NO”, they need us to be the strong ones when
they can’t. In other words, we
need to be the adults when they are still the kids. We have to be the ones who look ahead when they do not have
the capacity to do so. We all want
our children to be mature and relish in their accomplishments, but we need to
remember, they are “not fully cooked” until they have reached adulthood. If I was teaching Parenting 101, this
would be my opening line.
But, even more than having such a
personal investment in your child, we need to help each other out. In other words, as parents of children
and teenagers, we need to be on the same team – the "good" parenting team. Imagine that if as collective parents,
we had the best interests at heart for all children and teens, how much safer
we would all feel? Take the
example of a group of teenagers all “hanging out” at someone’s house and as
parents we all followed the same basic rules: safety, protection, and an understanding that the teenagers
will likely get carried away if they think we are not “on call"
if something
gets out of hand, whether it be drinking, smoking, or sexuality? Sure, they will likely get angry at us
when we “end the party” if it gets out of hand, but think about it, we may be
saving their lives. Albeit, they
will accuse us of “ruining their lives”, but we know better, because we have
the thinking capacity that they DO NOT yet grasp. I always tell parents, adolescents do grow up into adults,
usually around the Sophomore year of college and it’s funny how they then thank
us for “stopping them” when they were that “daring, invincible, teenager”, and
we then feel appreciated and loved, but we have to put off that experience until
they can be on the same page as us, which takes some years of development and
experience.
Being the “bad guy” is an essential
element of parenting. Too many parents are worried that their children won’t
like them if they are “protective”. Get over it. We know better.
We parent out of love, not punishment. We parent to help, not hurt. We worry because they are part of us and we don’t ever want
to lose them. This is our
job. We are their parents AND their
“best” friends and “friends don’t let their friends drive drunk” We have the
capacity to think this way, but they do not as of yet. So, we need to be the ones who can
embrace the concept of loss and keep that in mind always and each day that we
love and parent our children. My
heart goes out to the Capozza Family in the deepest way. I cannot even imagine the pain and
anguish they must be experiencing. But, I will use my empathy for them and
their loss each and every day as I parent my and my friend’s children and
adolescents. I encourage you to do the same, please.
Key Points:
1. Personal experiences with crises are the most meaningful for change and
attentiveness
2. Become aligned with other parents as co-parenting out of love and protection
3. Your job is to be the “Bad Guy”. Don’t fail at this, you may save a life
4. Don’t project adult-like capabilities onto your adolescent – they are still
kids
5. They will thank you later.
You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
-
Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday, October 5th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Check out his website at www.kanner.tv
At present, we have a significant paradox. While at the same time we
are experiencing the “Me” generation, implicit in “taking care of
oneself first, many of our children suffer. We have all heard the
common adage: “you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of
yourself, first. “ But, this concept has been taken out of context and
has perhaps led to declines in both children’s mental health and
increases in selfish thinking. Many viewers have contacted me with
grave concerns about how good parenting has fallen due to increases in
both personal and materialistic thinking over the past ten years and
Sociologists and Social Psychologists have taught us that changing
societal standards trickle down to generational shifts in terms of how
certain rules and laws perpetuate such standards and then common
routines and social influences follow in step, including family values,
if one lets them. Exercise programs, crash dieting, make-overs, and
other “me-related” advents, have replaced an emphasis on families and
children and how parents need to make that investment into their
children before anything else.
What happened to the age-old concept that children SHOULD come first?
Decades of research have documented the importance of a parent’s
investment in their children with proven data showing that the parents
who are the most invested in their children, espe
cially during infancy through the grade school years, tend to produce
the healthiest offspring. I have always found it amazing that even on
airplanes we are told that “if there is a loss of cabin pressure, put
your oxygen mask on before your child’s”, even though almost any
“invested” parent I know if they were falling from 26 thousand feet,
would focus on calming their child down and attend to them before
worrying about themselves. One mom told me, it would be the same if
your child was drowning in a pool – “you hold your breath and jump in
and save your child – it’s a no brainer – “. But, is it? Perhaps for
some, but not for all.
As with any society, there are a multitude of influences and new trends
sometimes challenge common sense and even good parenting. I agree with
the concept that people need to take good care of themselves, but if
your don’t put your kids before anything else in your life, you fail
them and yourselves. Unlike other animals, the human infant is
completely dependent upon their caregivers for survival, and that
essence of parenting and protection should not stop until the child has
been able to take over those “parental functions” independently, which
typically does not happen until they leave home for college or work,
and even then, parents are still needed.
So, how does one integrate societal shifts and maintain optimal parenting so the welfare of yo
ur child is not compromised?
1. Kids must come first. There seem to be two types of
people. Those who place themselves first, and others who place their
children first. I have serious concerns for any parent who would place
their needs before a child. In fact, I believe we need to educate
children, adolescents, and young adults earlier about the necessity of
parental commitment before they consider beginning a family. This
would include the concepts of “selflessness”; child development; and
the amazing joys of parenting if you do it the right way. Over the past
15 years, there have been more parenting classes offered, not for NEW
parents, but for parents who struggle with their kids. If parental
education started earlier, we would all be better off. Perhaps having a look into the future would provide more of a informed choice to become a parent and those that do not think it's for them, might choose not to and save them and their child from future compromises.
2. Use your parental intuition. Most parents have the
“right” intentions, but sometimes don’t trust themselves based on what
other people might say or do. For example, I have had numerous parents
tell me that they sometimes feel like the “bad guy” for placing limits
on their children as compared to “other” parents, placing them in a
conflict and often “giving in” leading to common problems.
3. Educate yourself about child development. Having a
“roadmap” is always the way to go, or you are going to get lost.
Children and adolescents are complicated and change from sta
ge to stage. If you learn why and what to do, life is easier for
everyone.
4. Listen to your kids. As parents, we tend to talk
more than listen. When we listen to our kids, we learn where they are,
what they feel, and most importantly, what they need from us. But, we
must listen without being judgmental or they won’t talk to us. You
will have your time to guide, just let them finish first.
5. Play with your kids. We are all busy, especially with
a recessed economy. Most of my friends, as well as myself, are working
harder than ever, but we need to remain there for our kids
nevertheless. Balance is key. I am now volunteering everyday at lunch
at my son’s school to coach and play football with them and their
friends and it is the most rewarding part of my day. Not only do I
ensure that they have fun, get exercise, share, take turns, and learn
some football skills, but they all teach me about what their worlds are
like and it helps me help them.
6. Family time. Whether your family is intact or not,
family is family. Even in dual households, family traditions are key
and last a lifetime. Family dinners every night; a reading hour; a
game night; joint exploration – it doesn’t matter what you do, you just
have to do it and do it on a regular basis.
7. Balance is key. Balance eliminates the too much
me”. Extremes cause problems as we all know. Selfish parents produce
angry and selfish children. Parents who understand the true essence of
parenting, see it as the most important investment in the world, plan
accordingly. Working out is necessary, but after the kid’s needs are
taken care of.
One final point. It is easy to get lost in the exhausting, yet
wonderful world of parenting. Those of us who place our kids first,
will affirm that being a mom or dad is the greatest of G—s gifts to
us. But, it goes by really fast. The healthier our children, the
faster they separate from us and leave us for their friends. So, enjoy
it before it’s too late. There will be plenty of time for “me” once
they leave home. In fact, for all you great parents out there, having
activities to help us mourn the loss of parenting will be welcomed and
needed.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
-
Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 28th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: This segment was written due to the request of a number of our San Diego 6 viewers. If you have small children, then most likely you
are familiar with your 2 to 4 year old demonstrating their frustration
through the means of physicality, namely, hitting, biting, or kicking.
Such behaviors are typically expressed towards siblings, parents, and
even peers, and is relatively “normal” up until the age of 5. After 5
however, it is expected that a child is mature-enough to use their
words to express frustration most of the time, and have developed the
internal capacity to self-soothe, or calm themselves down enough to
prevent more than occasional outbursts.
The underlying principal
behind self-control in children is what is called
“frustration-tolerance” which is not an inborn trait, but is learned
from the way the child’s caretaker(s) help them manage their strong
feelings in the first 3 years of life. For example, parents or
caregivers, who nurture their infants and toddlers through difficult
times with soothing and caring, help their child internalize how this
function works and over time, the child imitates this “external”
function internally and it becomes both automatic and unconscious.
Such external “soothing” relates to the caregiver “taking away” periods
of anxiety, fear, anger, and general discomfort through loving and
empathic responses from the adults closest in their20lives.
Children
who have this type of early parenting tend to develop into the
healthiest children and adults and avoid serious psychological problems
both in childhood and even later in their lives as adults. Applying
this concept to outburst such as hitting, kicking, and biting, this is
the young child’s attempt to tell you that they are feeling overwhelmed
with what is going on inside of them. The watchful and attentive
parent, validates the strong feeling of frustration to the child in a
caring and empathic manner, but then sets limits against such “physical
expressions” and “models” appropriate words in the place of the
actions. In addition, if there are external events which may prompt
the frustration, such as a too violent television show, the parent or
caregiver, also removes this variable to help their child not feel
over-stimulated over and over again. Other external events may also
include a too physical sibling, a lack of attention, or even
over-gratification. Frequently, when an external condition that causes
anxiety in young children is removed, they feel safer and their
behavior calms down.
Temperament also plays an additional
variable in the degree of how a child manages their level of
frustration tolerance. Strong willed, or spirited children, for
example have a more difficult time internalizing the soothing function
from caring adults whereby the “easy” or “happy” type of infant readily
applies this function.
; Parents with these “spirited” types have to
work a bit harder in helping to soothe them, but in the long run, it
will all pay off where the “strong-willed” type who develops solid
impulse control tend to be the leaders and most successful given their
inborn level of drive. In every circumstance however, the parents and
caregivers need to be patient and consistent during this invaluable
time of development for infants and toddlers.
Key Points:
1. Hitting, biting, & kicking are “normal” developmentally from ages 2 to 5.
2. Once children internalize the capacity to self-soothe, their behavior calms.
3. Words replace actions for feelings of anxiety, frustration, and anger over time.
4. Stronger temperaments are more difficult to soothe, but tend to be the most successful.
5. Patience is necessary for parents during this very important time of development.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
-
Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - San Diego's CW
Background: For most parents, being away from their
children is a terrible experience.
Whether the separation is due to divorce, employment, or too many hours
spent in the office, the bonding between a child and a parent is one of life’s
most valuable gifts. Children have needs of their parents, and vice versa. Aside from the value of bonding, the
effect of a parent on a child’s development is very significant where many
children who either do not have or see their parents, often develop a variety
of difficulties both in childhood and then later in life.
But, just how does a parent who
has to be apart from their child or children best demonstrate efforts to both
bond and support the development of their child?
1. Contact
them, rather than wait for them to call you. A common error that many parents make is relying on their
child to pick up the phone or, even these days, text their parent. It is wonderful when this happens, but
kids are busy these days with schoolwork, sports, or friends. Calling their parent, although desired,
sometimes feels like a task or something that they feel “required” to do,
rather than wanting to.
Furthermore, most adolescents will tell you that calling their mom just
isn’t “cool”. When we call them
however, they know we care and they can then blame the conversation on us,
rather than them. This makes them
feel “cool”.
2. Don’t
expect the conversations to be very long.
Children and adolescents are not adults and not capable of carrying on
conversations in the same way adults do.
When a parent gets “hurt” when their child does not talk very long, this
makes the child feel bad and may even make the conversation more strained. So, expect telephone conversations to
be brief, to the point, and not very deep, unless your child wants something
from you.
3. Don’t
ask too many questions. Nobody
likes to be questioned, especially kids.
Rather than asking “how was school”? , make a statement like “I’ll bet
it’s hard going back to school after a fun summer”. Here, the child feels like you are “relating” to them,
rather than just asking some questions.
4. Plan
ahead to see each other, put it on the calendar, and talk about what you will
do together. This gives you and
your child something to look forward to together.
5. Send
as well as talk. Letters, cards,
and even small gifts carry the essence of your love in a symbolic form. Most children hold tightly onto written
correspondences from their parents as do parent when their children make or
send them “masterpieces”.
Given the advent of social media,
communicating through Facebook, Skype, or other computer and internet-based
domains are additional ways of staying close to one’s child when you are unable
to make it home for dinner.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
-
Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 14th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - CW.
Background:
Almost all
parents deal with the same issue from the time children begin
formalized school through typically the Junior year of high school -
children are not naturally motivated to perform school and homework,
and battles then ensue in most households. Even parents who introduce
the important notion of good study habits run into resistances from
their children because other wishful activities outweigh performing
tasks, such as schoolwork. Similar to adults, children would rather
play than work. Such a normal and natural desire however, for the
adult, is then countered with "reality" and some sort of compromise is
typically reached because the adult, not child, is capable of such
reasoning. But, trying to convince a child of this concept is anything
but easy.
The importance of doing well in school leading to future success is an
abstract concept that most children are not able to naturally develop
until middle to late adolescence. It is almost as if the adolescent
"wakes up" and realizes that grades do matter for college and begin to
take school more seriously. Unfortunately though, sometimes it is too
late due to earlier failures to be responsible and college admissions
are compromised. This then leads both the child and parent alike to
feel quite disappointed.
In order to get children motivated to perform in school then, before
their brain is mature enough to self-motivate, the parent has to better
understand what will makes his or her child "tick" to get them to
perform tasks that might not be "fun". Before the capacity to
"abstract" (i.e. look ahead to the future), children tend to be very
"concrete" ( i.e. here and now). When parents understand this
capacity, they can then work together with their child in helping them
be academically-successful. For example, telling a 6 year-old that if
they do not do their homework, they will not get into college, will
have zero effect, because a 6 year-old cannot grasp such an idea and
may even become worried, leading to even more non-productiveness. But,
the savvy parent, who understands the "here and now concept", with the
non-adolescent, might use a combination of encouragement, such as "I
know this is not fun, but it has to get done", and then follow this
statement with "and once your homework is done, you can watch some TV",
has matched motivating a child taking into consideration where they are
developmentally. Limits can then be used to stress this point if
necessary. "To help you, not punish you, to get this work done, I
can't let you watch TV until your work is complete".
Although this technique tends to be the most effective with young children, other variables are also helpful including:
1. Setting a good example yourself. For example, I make sure I bring
homework home with me every night and do mine at the same time. My
kids are always more motivated when they see me work too.
2. Introduce a standard homework time early in your child's development. Good habits are important.
3. Allow kids to have a short break after school for a snack and some play/exercise time before a required "homework time".
4. Have your kids show you what they have to accomplish for the night and help them organize if necessary.
5. During homework time, give some positive reinforcement.
6. Provide some help if necessary. If they need professional
assistance, then consulting with an organization, such as Sylvan
Learning Centers is essential.
7. Having a group study time can sometimes also be helpful. I like the
library for when children see that they are not alone in doing
homework, this can lead to greater productiveness.
8. Celebrate completion. Children love to see their own success.
When a parent capitalizes on this, self-esteem builds for the child and
often times this lead to a desire to work harder for themselves.
9. If a child needs some extra help, or if a parent continues to struggle
with homework battles, a consultation with a learning center is good idea to rule
out any possible learning difference or to gain some support in better
helping your child feel successful. It is very important NOT to let our
children fail. This only hurts their self-esteem and once again,
learning from one's mistake, is another abstract concept truly only
available for most children in middle to late adolescence.
 Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner - Imedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com
|
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 7th @ 8:20am on San Diego6 News In The Morning.
Background:
For most parents, concern about their children developing successful
friendships is as important as academic dedication and solid morals and
family values. But, as all adults realize, friendships are both
complicated and confusing especially for children as most do not
understand that friends are anything but perfect and at times can be
very supportive, but at other times either overly competitive or
envious. By adolescence, most boys and girls take this into stride and
manage to accept ups and downs in their friendships as “normal” unless
or course there is a break-up with their best friend (BF) or a
boyfriend or girlfriend which can feel overwhelming.
Aside from the imperfection of any friendship, is also differences in
how the temperament or personality of the child will affect how they
interact with others. For example, outgoing children, who do not get
easily upset, tend to have an easier time developing friendships then
children who are either shy or easily upset by misfortune. Much of
this is constitutional, or genetic, but at other times can be based on
learning, bad experiences, or modeling how significant people in their
lives manage their friendships. Here, children often imitate the type
of friendsh
ips that the parent of the same sex maintain, whether their
mother or father are successful in their interpersonal lives and manage
their own conflicts with others.
Another important variable is the type of person a child chooses to
befriend and in some cases, the child will seek out a “healthy” friend
or group, but in other cases not make such good choices. This is often due
to unconscious motivations based on their relationships with their
parents or siblings. As people, we naturally tend to repeat patterns
in hopes of undoing or changing previous experiences in hopes of making them better or because they are familiar. As a example,
many negative friendships that brew in childhood and adolescence are
based on trying to “change” a person who reminds them or someone
significant in their life, such as a competitive brother or sister.
Here, we see children befriending someone who may not be very nice to
them and the child who is trying to heal a previously negative tries
each and every avenue to try to get that person to “like and accept
them” to no avail and becomes saddened and hurt when their best efforts
fail. The motivation here is to be liked by someone who may have too
much animosity towards them and it becomes an impossible task. On the
other hand, many children naturally pick healthy and positive friends
and escape social problems.
Parents though can help this process by teaching their children
appropriate social ski
lls as soon as their child has attained enough
maturity to play with others, something that we call “cooperative play”
which is usually possible by the 2nd year of pre-school. Before this,
children naturally play aside from other children until they develop
enough understanding of another person’s feelings to play together. It
is at the cooperative play period where parents can really help. Most
parents allow their children to naturally play with others which is
optimal provided their are few conflicts evident based again on both
their child’s natural temperament and also positive experiences with
their relationships with their parents and watching how their parents
interact with each other and other adults. On the other hand, if a
parent notices struggles with their child interacting with others, this
is where the parent needs to step in and help them navigate conflict
and resolution.
As a general rule, I always suggest that between the ages of 3 and 6,
when a parent arranges a play date, he or she sits down with the two
children and set some basic standards about how their should play
together and also have some limits about both the types of games they
may play and also specify what location they should play within – this
“structure” then helps set the stage for a successful play time which
then becomes learned and hopefully repeated. Some of these basic
“rules” should include: sharing; taking turns choosing activitie
s;
being kind; expressing in words when they are feeling upset; and the
parent being available if the conflict becomes too intense for the
children to manage. When this occurs, the parent then validates that
both children are upset and frustrated, normalize that this is normal
in friendships, and then try to get the children to appropriately talk
to one another about their feelings, and come up with a resolution.
These skills are not innate, but learned from parents and teachers,
both the point is that children need social skill training as much as
learning how to master academic material.
As mentioned earlier, the choice of friendships come from two areas:
previous experiences, good or negative; and the observation of how
their parents get along with each other and their adult friends.
Remember, children identify with their parents and idealize them and
their actions, we as adults are often guided to befriend certain
individuals who may not be very nice for wishes to “change them or make
them like us”. Children do the same thing. Making clear to children
what is important in a healthy friendship is also very important and
should be discussed early. Such characteristics should be:
- someone who really likes them for who they are
- has good morals and family values
- manag
es conflict in a reasonable fashion
- has the tendency to give and receive
- can tolerate ups and downs in a friendship
- has many commonalities, rather than differences with your child
When children, and adults, choose friends who are either too dissimilar
of too competitive and envious, the friendship will be continually
troublesome and may interfere with both your and your child’s self-esteem and
academic or occupational performance.
Despite the best efforts of parents to help foster healthy social
skills, some children may need an extra boost from an outside source.
Many schools have social skill groups conducted by school counselors
and many professionals have groups designed for such efforts. Check
with your child’s school for such groups and I have a list of referrals
on my website here on San Diego 6 for consideration if necessary.
Key Points:
- parents need to set the stage early for social skill interaction
- help your child and their play date learn how to play together
- help your child learn how to manage
conflict resolution early in their development
- get your child to express their feelings in words with both you and their friends
- encourage friends who are more alike than different than your child to decrease competition
- model good reciprocal friendships in your lives for your child to observe
- get some outside help early if necessary.
 
Dr. Keith Kanner
l
Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV
l
Bay City Television
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
San Diego Living Show
(:
(619) 261.2346
8:
Dr.Kanner@sandiego6.com
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Watch Dr. Kanner talk about this live this Monday, August 31 @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Also, check out his website @ www.kanner.tv
Background: By the end of this week, most
children
and adolescents will be back to school. Although most parents
took the appropriate measures to prepare them by talking about it and getting
the needed "back to school supplies", nevertheless, going back to
school after summertime represents a significant transition for most kids.
Typically, the first month back after summer is when parents experience the
most significant battles over homework, getting up in the morning, turning off
those cell phones, and being generally cooperative. Such
manifestations are due to the natural feelings that all children and
adolescents experience when going back to school - a combination of frustration
and perhaps some excitement about seeing their friends. The adult
comparison would be going back to work after a vacation where there was an
absence of business problems, meetings, and deadlines.
Adults seem to have an easier time understanding the concept of "Monday
Morning Blues", then being able to put themselves in the shoes of their
children and responding as though they know how they feel. However,
children truly appreciate when their parent can associate with their inner
experiences without them having to express themselves in words.
Remember the days when your child was an infant and as a caring and invested
parent, you could determine what type of cry determined what particular feeling
in them? This was all done without words. Just because a child
develops the capacity to speak does not erase how important it is for parents
to
be able to "read" their child's non-verbal cues to determine their
mental state. In fact, as children develop and strive towards
independence from their parents, they naturally speak less until they get
through the adolescent years, but still rely on that caring parent to
"know them". Here, is where the continual investment of parenting
comes into action - being able to let your child know that you know them and
how they must feel. Even making the attempt to convey your perception is
worth the chance that they may tell you are wrong, but at least you tried and
there is a chance they might actually share what it is they are feeling.
Putting this concept into place comes in handy over this next month. Most
children and teenagers will have some "normal" adjustment issues to
going back to school which could manifest in a number of typical ways: a
refusal to do homework; trouble getting up in the morning; irritability; acting
out; and even some infrequent bed wetting, just to name a few. Each of
these "symptoms" are just that - indicators that your child is experiencing
some very strong feelings about going back to school. How a parent
responds to this "regression" is very important however.
Perhaps the most common parental mistake is to just punish the behavior.
Punishment by itself does not work, but communicate to the child that their
feelings and behavior are both bad. There is a big difference between a
feeling and a behavior. It20is a matter of how feelings are handled and
the role of any parent is to help their child learn how to better manage
feelings, not feel bad about them. When parents merely punish a behavior,
most children then generalize that the feeling was "bad" too and then
a development of guilt over feelings becomes a pathological pattern rather than
the emphasis be placed on appropriate behaviors.
So, if your child is having such a "regression" due to school
resuming, talk to them about how they are feeling and work together with them
to get through the initial "shock period" of getting back into
school. Empathize, share how it was for you when you were a kid, and
help them get their "job" accomplished by encouragement and some
limits if necessary to "help" them manage, not punish them for
feeling frustrated and perhaps saddened that vacation is over for awhile.
Key Points:
1. Most kids will have some normal adjustment issues about going back to
school
2. Help them by talking to them about how you think they must feel
3. Both emphasize and help them stay on track with rewards and limits
4. Punishing behavior by itself is limited in effectiveness
5. Regression typically weans over the first month back to school
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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Don't
want to miss this one on Monday, August 24th @ 8:20am on CW 6 News In
The Morning. Be sure to also check out Dr. Kanner's NEW website at
www.kanner.tv
Background: Last
week, a close friend of mine lost his battle with cancer after fighting
the illness for a number of years. Even though we all seemed to know
the eventual outcome of his fate, the loss of him echos in the hearts
and minds of all of us who knew him. Aside from being bombarded with
memories of his laugh, and strong dedications as a father and
professional, we all feel for his spouse and his children and all plan
to be as supportive to them in the weeks and years to come. We also
feel other things as well. Sadness, anxiety, and despair. In fact, we
have all been welling up almost daily since his death. Why? Sure, we
all know that the normal mourning process involves feelings of shock,
sadness, anger, and denial, but this one feels different. Why?
It hit me the other day. This was the first peer that I have lost as
an adult. It seems that we might be better prepared to accept the
eventual loss of the elderly, but to lose someone our own age is
another issue. Perhaps I have been lucky or have many healthy
friends, but the loss of a friend in the same age and developmental
level of life brings up some very important questions for
consideration, most notably, how have I lived my life and am I happy
with who I am and what I do? Midlife, by definition, brings up these
questions typically and leads some into changing their lives (sometimes
for better and sometimes worse), but the loss of a friend, who is a
peer, intensifies this process. We all can get caught up in our
everyday activities from raising children, to building careers, to
trying to be healthy and nice to others, but we often forget to look at
the "big picture".
As I put on my Clinical hat, I know that most content elderly
individuals seem to feel satisfied with their respective lives. The two
types of patients I have learned the most from are adolescents and the
elderly. For the elderly, a sense of accomplishment in life seems to
guide their optimistic attitude as they age and eventually prepare to
pass. But this process is gradual and for most adults in their young
and middle years, are still trying to build this internal sense of
pride and purpose by building their careers, raising their children,
and taking care of friends, parents, and themselves. True happiness involves having a purpose, being a good person, taking care of your family, and being a good friend.
It can be easy to get caught up in drama and conflict, but at the end
of the day, it all boils down to who and what you are. No one is
perfect, we all make mistakes, but as we age, taking a better account
of one's life and making some modifications to live one that we can
reflect back onto in our elderly years and feel as though we "made that
mark", is what research teaches us allows us to pass with less conflict
and actually increases the chances of enjoying the later part of our
lives.
That old saying, we learn from loss, or that we gain from pain, can
both be applied here as my friends and I mourn the loss of Gary. I
think that he would tell us to live, laugh, and learn, but he would
also advocate being a good person and taking care of one's family as
the first priorities. He would also tell us to celebrate life and keep
moving forward, not staying stuck in conditions that are unhealthy. He
was a great man and a great friend. We will miss him dearly, but I
hope his loss will teach us to be more self-aware and that will only
help us all and others. He would smile if we could utilize his loss to
make life better for ourselves and our children.
Key Points:
1. Losing a peer is different than losing a parent or grandparent
2. Loss makes people take an important account of their respective lives
3. Happiness involves: having a purpose, being a good person, taking care of your family, and being a good friend
4. Don't forget to take a step back and look at the "big picture" not just today
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
|
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Background: One of the strongest predictors of successful
school performance is the child's capacity to study and complete
assignments. In fact, children who have the finest study skills tend to
obtain the best grades and get into the better colleges and
universities which result in common occupational and personal success.
Study skills involve tasks such as in class note taking, organization,
planning ahead, material integration, studying, and the completion of
assignments. As well known, most schools place significant emphasis on
these acqui sitions and award a large percentage of the class grade on
the child's mastery of these talents.
The development of study skills however is not automatically acquired
by most children and are skills that must be initially taught and then
monitored before they become internalized and practiced independently
by the child. Many parents rely on their child's school to teach these
skills when deemed necessary and appropriate and then become angry and
frustrated when they learn that their child does not know how to manage
their academic needs usually after a deficient report card. At this
point, the parents become involved, become angry that the school did
not teach their child how to study, and then battle with their child
over the completion of assignments, hoping that their child will
realize th e importance of getting good grades.
Depending upon both the age of the child and how long they have failed
to develop adequate study skills, will determine how motivated the
child will react when the parents become involved. Typically, the
longer the child has failed to develop adequate study habits, the most
resistant they will be to change their behavior due to habit even
despite poor grades. This is most commonly observed in both Middle and
High School. In such cases, most parents end up both getting their
child some academic assistance, such as a tutor to help them learn how
to study, along with setting limits involving desired activities until
homework and studying is completed. Over time, if the parents remain
consistent and serious, most children and adolescents will learn how to
study and become organized.
To avoid such developments however, parents who begin in the early
years teaching the importance of studying and homework, along with
direct instruction of how to perform these tasks, tend to avoid these
later dilemmas because their child internalized and practiced good
study habits early in their academic lives. Usually when the child's
school introduces homework, typically in either first or second grade,
becomes the time the parent works to help their child learn to
organize, plan, and complete their assignments in settings that are
free from distraction and optimal for studying. Because the child is
just beginning to understand school, and are still implicit in wanting
to please th e parent, most small children will be less resistant to
work together with their parents on study skills and will then feel
proud when they witness their success as they receive a good grade from
their teacher. Furthermore, because these skills were introduced early,
"good" rather than "bad" study habits have been developed and become
everyday routines which tend to from the grade school through the high
school years.
Key Points (Developing Study Skills)
1. teach study skills early at home
2. have a homework time established by second grade
3. develop an optimal homework area early
4. have a break after school before homework
5. check over homework
6. reward the completion of homework
7. if bad habits manifest, help immediately to prevent failure
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 Dr.
Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com
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