Your Family Matters

"Helping Children Develop Social Skills"

drkanner — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 12:09:00 GMT

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, August 18th @ 8:20am on the New San Diego6 News In The Morning.

Background: For most parents, concern about their children developing successful friendships is as important as academic dedication and solid morals and family values. But, as all adults realize, friendships are both complicated and confusing especially for children as most do not understand that friends are anything but perfect and at times can be very supportive, but at other times either overly competitive or envious. By adolescence, most boys and girls take this into stride and manage to accept ups and downs in their friendships as “normal” unless or course there is a break-up with their best friend (BF) or a boyfriend or girlfriend which can feel overwhelming.

Aside from the imperfection of any friendship, is also differences in how the temperament or personality of the child will affect how they interact with others. For example, outgoing children, who do not get easily upset, tend to have an easier time developing friendships then children who are either shy or easily upset by misfortune. Much of this is constitutional, or genetic, but at other times can be based on learning, bad experiences, or modeling how significant people in their lives manage their friendships. Here, children often imitate the type of friendships that the parent of the same sex maintain, whether their mother or father are successful in their interpersonal lives and manage their own conflicts with others.

Another important variable is the type of person a child chooses to befriend and in some cases, the child will seek out a “healthy” friend or group, but in other cases not make such good choices. This is often due to unconscious motivations based on their relationships with their parents or siblings. As people, we naturally tend to repeat patterns in hopes of undoing or changing previous experiences in hopes of making them better or because they are familiar. As a example, many negative friendships that brew in childhood and adolescence are based on trying to “change” a person who reminds them or someone significant in their life, such as a competitive brother or sister. Here, we see children befriending someone who may not be very nice to them and the child who is trying to heal a previously negative tries each and every avenue to try to get that person to “like and accept them” to no avail and becomes saddened and hurt when their best efforts fail. The motivation here is to be liked by someone who may have too much animosity towards them and it becomes an impossible task. On the other hand, many children naturally pick healthy and positive friends and escape social problems.

Parents though can help this process by teaching their children appropriate social skills as soon as their child has attained enough maturity to play with others, something that we call “cooperative play” which is usually possible by the 2nd year of pre-school. Before this, children naturally play aside from other children until they develop enough understanding of another person’s feelings to play together. It is at the cooperative play period where parents can really help. Most parents allow their children to naturally play with others which is optimal provided their are few conflicts evident based again on both their child’s natural temperament and also positive experiences with their relationships with their parents and watching how their parents interact with each other and other adults. On the other hand, if a parent notices struggles with their child interacting with others, this is where the parent needs to step in and help them navigate conflict and resolution.

As a general rule, I always suggest that between the ages of 3 and 6, when a parent arranges a play date, he or she sits down with the two children and set some basic standards about how their should play together and also have some limits about both the types of games they may play and also specify what location they should play within – this “structure” then helps set the stage for a successful play time which then becomes learned and hopefully repeated. Some of these basic “rules” should include: sharing; taking turns choosing activities; being kind; expressing in words when they are feeling upset; and the parent being available if the conflict becomes too intense for the children to manage. When this occurs, the parent then validates that both children are upset and frustrated, normalize that this is normal in friendships, and then try to get the children to appropriately talk to one another about their feelings, and come up with a resolution. These skills are not innate, but learned from parents and teachers, both the point is that children need social skill training as much as learning how to master academic material.

As mentioned earlier, the choice of friendships come from two areas: previous experiences, good or negative; and the observation of how their parents get along with each other and their adult friends. Remember, children identify with their parents and idealize them and their actions, we as adults are often guided to befriend certain individuals who may not be very nice for wishes to “change them or make them like us”. Children do the same thing. Making clear to children what is important in a healthy friendship is also very important and should be discussed early. Such characteristics should be:

someone who really likes them for who they are
has good morals and family values
manages conflict in a reasonable fashion
has the tendency to give and receive
can tolerate ups and downs in a friendship
has many commonalities, rather than differences with your child

When children, and adults, choose friends who are either too dissimilar of too competitive and envious, the friendship will be continually troublesome and may interfere with both your and your child’s self-esteem and academic or occupational performance.

Despite the best efforts of parents to help foster healthy social skills, some children may need an extra boost from an outside source. Many schools have social skill groups conducted by school counselors and many professionals have groups designed for such efforts. Check with your child’s school for such groups and I have a list of referrals on my website here on San Diego 6 for consideration if necessary.

Key Points:

parents need to set the stage early for social skill interaction
help your child and their play date learn how to play together
help your child learn how to manage conflict resolution early in their development
get your child to express their feelings in words with both you and their friends
encourage friends who are more alike than different than your child to decrease competition
model good reciprocal friendships in your lives for your child to observe
get some outside help early if necessary.

Dr. Keith Kanner l Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV l Bay City Television
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
San Diego Living Show
(: (619) 261.2346 8: Dr.Kanner@sandiego6.com

"Developing Solid Study Skills"

drkanner — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 10:27:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday, August 11th @ 8:15am on the New San Diego6 News In The Morning

This is the third and final segment in the Back To School series for this month.

Background: One of the strongest predictors of successful school performance is the child's capacity to study and complete assignments. In fact, children who have the finest study skills tend to obtain the best grades and get into the better colleges and universities which result in common occupational and personal success. Study skills involve tasks such as in class note taking, organization, planning ahead, material integration, studying, and the completion of assignments. As well known, most schools place significant emphasis on these acqui sitions and award a large percentage of the class grade on the child's mastery of these talents.

The development of study skills however is not automatically acquired by most children and are skills that must be initially taught and then monitored before they become internalized and practiced independently by the child. Many parents rely on their child's school to teach these skills when deemed necessary and appropriate and then become angry and frustrated when they learn that their child does not know how to manage their academic needs usually after a deficient report card. At this point, the parents become involved, become angry that the school did not teach their child how to study, and then battle with their child over the completion of assignments, hoping that their child will realize th e importance of getting good grades.

Depending upon both the age of the child and how long they have failed to develop adequate study skills, will determine how motivated the child will react when the parents become involved. Typically, the longer the child has failed to develop adequate study habits, the most resistant they will be to change their behavior due to habit even despite poor grades. This is most commonly observed in both Middle and High School. In such cases, most parents end up both getting their child some academic assistance, such as a tutor to help them learn how to study, along with setting limits involving desired activities until homework and studying is completed. Over time, if the parents remain consistent and serious, most children and adolescents will learn how to study and become organized.

To avoid such developments however, parents who begin in the early years teaching the importance of studying and homework, along with direct instruction of how to perform these tasks, tend to avoid these later dilemmas because their child internalized and practiced good study habits early in their academic lives. Usually when the child's school introduces homework, typically in either first or second grade, becomes the time the parent works to help their child learn to organize, plan, and complete their assignments in settings that are free from distraction and optimal for studying. Because the child is just beginning to understand school, and are still implicit in wanting to please th e parent, most small children will be less resistant to work together with their parents on study skills and will then feel proud when they witness their success as they receive a good grade from their teacher. Furthermore, because these skills were introduced early, "good" rather than "bad" study habits have been developed and become everyday routines which tend to from the grade school through the high school years.

Key Points (Developing Study Skills)

1. teach study skills early at home
2. have a homework time established by second grade
3. develop an optimal homework area early
4. have a break after school before homework
5. check over homework
6. reward the completion of homework
7. if bad habits manifest, help immediately to prevent failure

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Helping Kids Get Back Into School"

drkanner — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:11:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, August 1st, @ 8:15am on San Diego6 - CW News In The Morning.

Background: If your family is like most, your children and adolescents are still in a state of denial that school begins in about three weeks from now. As parents however, you are ready for the summer to end and excited about getting them back into structure yet you fear their adjustment into a new year of academics and wonder if they are prepared to manage the tasks ahead. Many parents avoid the concept of talking to their children about a new school year for they fear putting their children into bad moods and getting into a fight. On the other hand, when parents do not approach talking about getting ready for school and looking ahead to expectations for success, the avoided conflicts tend to emerge shortly after school begins when problems may already have arisen.

As with any transition, preparing ahead of time is always a good idea. When situations are thought through, discussed, and planned for, there tends to be less anxiety generated and a greater likelihood for success. Young children in particular are not yet capable of thinking in the abstract and plan ahead and need assistance in understanding what is expected of them and how to reach their goals. Many times parents place responsibilities on their children that they are not able to developmentally manage which can set their child up for failure. The responsibilities of school are common areas where parents either expect their child to manage themselves or rely on the school to teach them how to both organize and study.

Parents of both grade and middle school students need to sit down with their children prior to each school year and discuss both expectations and plans on how to help them succeed. Reviewing the importance of school, your faith in their abilities to manage their work, and discussing concepts such as studying, organization, and note taking are all essential in making sure their child feels prepared. Often times after such discussions, the parents and child determine that there may be some areas that need some assistance and this can then be provided which then serves to avoid a later problem. As I have discussed in prior segments, self esteem is generated when the child him of herself experiences success. When the child has the tools necessary to manage their life, success is more likely.

Structure is also very important. Children and adolescents who have a daily "routine" tend to do better academically and socially. For example, it is always a good idea to have an after-school plan which entails: 1) an after-school snack; 2) some time for play or sport; and then 3) a scheduled homework time to be performed in a distraction-free environment. Once homework has been completed, a "reward" time can be offered to celebrate getting through their assignments after a long day of school. When children have something to look forward towards, they tend to feel less frustrated and seem more motivated.

For the high school student, who can think in the abstract and hopefully understand that their success at this time of their academic life will serve later goals, discussions are also necessary but inquiring with them about how they plan to manage their school work will make them feel as though you respect their intellect. If however, you determine that they do not seem able to manage themselves well enough, you will have to help them as well. Allowing children and adolescents to "learn from their mistakes" is poor judgment on the part of the parent for the child and adolescent is not yet mature enough to manage their lives independently without parents.

A special consideration needs to be made for children who are also starting a new school. Aside from preparing them for the academic tasks ahead, care also needs to be made in terms of helping them adjust to a new environment with new social and developmental challenges. Visiting the new school prior to beginning the school year is always a good idea even if the campus is empty of students. Here, your child can at least get a feel for the new surroundings which will make them less anxious once they arrive on the first day of school.

Key Points
1. discuss school beginning with your child now
2. review expectations for the year ahead of time
3. implement structure to help with success
4. make sure they have an academic plan and can perform the required tasks
5. get them some help if needed early
6. visit the school ahead of time if a new environment

"Is Your Child Ready For Kindergarten?"

drkanner — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 12:00:00 GMT

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday, July 28th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning.

Note: This is the first of a 4-part Back To School Series for the month of August.

Background: One of the many critical parental decisions that arise is the determination whether or not their child is ready to go to Kindergarten. In most cases, the primary concern is age with anxiety that perhaps their child is either too young or too old and a fear that the decision will have future negative effects for their child. But more important than age is a series of developmental achievements that are necessary for a successful Kindergarten experience which far outweigh the child's chronological age.

The six developmental areas that must be considered for "Kindergarten Readiness", aside from age, are as follows:

1. the child's capacity for self-control and emotional-regulation
2. the child's capacity to separate from their parents
3. the child's level of social relatedness
4. the child's understanding of morality
5. the child's level of fine and gross motor integration
6. intellectual capacity

Self-control & Emotional-Regulation: The Kindergarten- aged child should be able to calm themselves down and self-soothe during times of mild distress. This developmental achievement is one that is typically the outcome of toddler-hood and is an essential milestone of early childhood. This capacity does not mean that the child is free from complete distress during anxious times, but is indicative of a child who when faced with stress, internally goes into an automatic state of emotional recovery and slowly overcomes their plight.

Capacity To Separate From Parents: The Kindergarten child needs to be able to separate from their parents and last an entire day at school. This process usually takes a week or two for most children to be able to master for it is a significant transition from most preschool and pre-kindergarten experiences, but the child needs to have this degree of maturity in order to manage the time component of the kindergarten year.

Social Relatedness: Sharing, taking turns, and being able to sustain a short-term conversation are important social requirements for kindergarden. Most children at this age are shifting from what is termed parallel play to cooperative play and in order to be able to participate in group activities the child must be able to also compromise and be sensitive to others. Obviously, these social-skills are enriched further in the kindergarten and grade school years.

Morality: Having a basic sense of right versus wrong and being able to follow rules are key elements that are necessary for kindergarten successfulness. Although the child's conscience is still being formulated, by this time it should be becoming progressively internalized and guide the child to make good decisions when faced with dilemmas.

Fine & Gross Motor Integration: Being able to bounce a ball, hold a pencil, be fully toilet trained during the day, and have average balance and coordination are important areas of physical readiness for the kindergarten-aged child. Many schools expect that the child can also write their own name and have the ability to write letters and shapes.

Intellectual Capacity: Average intelligence, knowledge of shapes, letters, and sounds are frequent intellectual milestones that many schools look for in their assessments. In addition, the child should be shifting from magical to reality-based thinking as they are entering the kindergarten year.

The consideration of these areas should be taken into serious consideration by any parent before sending their child off to kindergarten and far outweigh age in terms of whether or not the child will have a successful year. Most educators and Psychologists believe that children who fall on the borderline of age for kindergarten should be encouraged to go forward if these developmental achievements have been met. Keeping a child back when they have the developmental maturity to succeed, unless some other special condition is present, often leads to boredom and frustration and can additionally effect self-esteem.

If concerns are still present, check with your local school Principal for further assistance in assessment. Many schools have certain measures that can be given to the child to help better determine if they are ready for kindergarten or not.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News/San Diego6-CW
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com

"Should Parents Lie To Their Kids?"

drkanner — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday on the New San Diego6-CW News In The Morning.

Background: Questions, questions, and more questions. As parents, we become bombarded with such as early as when our children begin to talk and become more complex and personal as children move through the various stages of development. At first, many questions are naive and are based on gathering understandable facts about the world. These are the easy "nuts" and "bolts" of helping children build their minds and are needed for optimal development. But even the answers to these types of questions need to be explained in ways that children can understand your answers and must not be presented in ways that might cause them anxiety or overwhelm them. In other words, the key is to give them only enough information to make them comfortable, but not to go beyond what they are able to digest for this might backfire and create panic.

However, as children grow, their questions become much more personal about you, not so much as an adult, but when you were a child and adolescent. This is when it becomes very complicated. On the one hand, we want to teach our children to tell the truth and be honest and have integrity. But, on the other hand, children use their parents as frames of reference and as their models of how to be NOW and how NOT to be, even when the adolescents are trying to differentiate themselves. Examples of such complicated questions have to do with study habits, grades, dating, sex, and use of alcohol and drugs. Get ready parents, if this has not reached your dinner table, they will and you better be prepared on how you will respond. In other words, think through your beliefs, hopefully based on optimizing your child's development and physical and psychological well being, and get ready for how to respond.

As children and adolescents, we have all made our mistakes and hopefully learned from them. As parents, one of our basic jobs is to be the best teacher to our children and much of this is based on our mistakes that we experienced in our childhoods, otherwise history will indeed repeat itself. In many cases, parents have been very open with their children about the above types of questions - drugs, sex, etc. and feel as though they tell them these things to "help" them avoid making the "same mistakes" that they did as an adolescent. Unfortunately, the results of such disclosures tend to be very mixed and air on more negative than positive. If you are fortunate enough to have a very mature adolescent, they are less likely to call you a hypocrite when you tell them NOT to do something that you did at their age, but remember, you are your child's model and even though they may be trying to differentiate from you, they also want to be like y! ou - yes, they love and respect you and see you now as a healthy adult. You therefore are their window into the future and they will internalize "well my mom turned out well as she used drugs when she was in high school".

The problem however is that times have changed. Drugs types and usage, teenage pregnancy, increased competition in getting into colleges and much more has changed the world that we experienced when we were in middle and high school, and our children need our protection more than ever.

So, how can we protect, be honest, but not place ourselves in a position where our children out of love for us, answer difficult questions without placing ourselves in a hypocritical position? I had a case a number of years ago where a single father thought that having a few beers with his 15 year old son was a way to bond and become closer and "friends". I warned the father that such a practice was both illegal and a horrible idea for this could lead to further problems for his son. In this particular case, the boys grades suffered and he began using other recreational drugs. His father was furious, but his son confronted him by stating, "if you were so worried about me then why did you let me do it". The guilt then hit this father and he decided that such openness was not in the best interest of his child after all, but he could not erase what he had already done.

The "best interest of your child is the key here". We want our children to be healthy, confident, and have solid self-esteem and friendships along with good grades as they go through the difficult years of adolescence. As their parents, we are the gatekeepers and must present to them healthy choices irrespective of what mistakes we made in our earlier years. The answer is to keep the focus on them, not you. A wonderful way to make a child or adolescent feel empowered when they ask you a good question, is to tell them just that "That is a great question you asked me". But, the answer you give must be based on two things: 1) the question they are asking you is really about THEM, not you, for it is a projection of their ideas; and 2) your job is to protect them. Taken together then, the focus is on them and your position on protecting them, based on your knowledge as an adult, not an adolescent!

I had the father of one of my patients tell me how he tackled the sex question with his 14 year old son. When his son asked him when he had sex, this father stated: "great question and I am sure you are getting exposed to all sorts of influences and stories these days. What a tough place for you. I remember those days too. But, as your dad, I want you to come to me with these questions and I will help you sort them through. His son was persistent - "dad, when did you have sex for the first time" - his father's wonderful response was, "it really doesn't matter what I may or may not have done, we are talking about you and I am on your team and I do not feel as though adolescents should have sex until they are either at the end of high school or in college for a number of reasons which he then described to his son. Although he did NOT directly answer the question, he did not lie, he just did not disclose for all of the reasons I have li! sted above, His son was a bit angry that his dad did not discuss his history, but it's better to have you child or adolescent angry with you, then engage in something that could harm them. We all are used to our children feeling ambivalent towards us, this is all being a part of a parent. Therefore, no need to lie, just keep the focus on where it should be them, not you.

Key Points:

1.Only give enough details to their questions to satisfy them
2.Your children always identify with you and will repeat your patterns
3.Too much personal disclosure causes more harm than good
4. Always keep the best interest of your children in mind
5. Keep the focus on them, NOT you - this is honest and not a lie

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com

Tips For Students & Parents: Graduating & Leaving For College"

drkanner — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:01:00 GMT

Graduating & Leaving Home: Tips for Students & Their Parents:

I. Introduction: Graduating from high school involves much more than just finishing a grueling four years of hard work preparing for a movement to college. On graduation day, all high school seniors will not only receive a much earned diploma, but will also graduate from one developmental phase of life, Adolescence, to a new level, namely, Young Adulthood. Each developmental stage involves tasks needed to complete in order to move on to the next one, and then each new level offers challenges and ideals.

Although most graduating seniors consciously feel excited about the new quests ahead and look forward to greater freedom, two very important other emotions also manifest that are sometimes overshadowed by the exciting ones. These include mourning, or sadness, concerning the loss of familiar objects such as friends, school, home, and even parents, and then anxiety about new challenges and changes just ahead in the Fall. The degree to which each individual experiences, contemplates, and talks through these emotions, the smoother the transition to college and Young Adulthood.

II. Excitement: Each graduating student should feel very proud of him or herself from making it through one of the most difficult phases in his or her lives. Not only have each of them experienced challenging academia, but have also been introduced to other important life-skill attributes such as cultural awareness, character differences, individual thinking, and I hope, compassion for others. Taken together, these fundamentals have fortified each with plenty of internal resources to succeed beyond high school and is why many, if not most of are much looking forward to going off to college in the fall and feel very confident about the road ahead.

III. Mourning or Sadness: On the other end of the spectrum are normal feelings of sadness about leaving familiar friends and conditions. You and your friends have been partners together over the last four years, or longer, and many of you feel closer to your friends then your parents. Therefore, leaving for college involves not only leaving “home” but also your friends and daily comfortable activities that you have been able to master and use to help keep you centered on a daily basis. Comparing crazy parents, nagging siblings, ridiculous rules, and helping each other cope with the difficult balance of school and a social life have been daily endeavors that have solidified an identity that has been both successful yet familiar.

IV. Anxiety: Fear of the unknown is the basic premise of the graduating Senior and incoming Freshman going off to college. Leaving the comforts of home including conditions such as cooked meals, a laundry service, a familiar and comfortable room and surroundings, predictable family and school conditions, although never perfect, are routine and accountable. Going off to college represents for many the first experience of being away from home for any extended period of time and involves having to independently manage everything from school to socialization without one’s parent being available in person to help. To complicate matters further, aside from having to become one’s own independent manager, the task is also conducted in a new and unfamiliar environment. For example, many Seniors will be attending college on the east coast having to adjust to a very different climate as well as all of the other novelties that college will offer.

Fear, homesickness, and sometimes even second thoughts about going off to college are all normal reactions to this process. The students who have had successful experiences with independence, self management, and personal successfulness, tend to be less anxious than those who have struggled to self-manage their high school lives.

II. Preparing To Leave:

When the following criteria are considered ahead of time, the adaptation process to college tends to proceed as well as possible when compared to others who do not think through the important changes ahead.

a. Anticipating Change: Thinking ahead to how to manage greater independence and self-reliance is essential for leaving and adapting to college. Contemplating everything from how to get oneself up in the morning for an early class, to doing laundry, and balancing a social life with studying are very important mental exercises to consider before even setting foot onto campus. Obviously, once at college these activities become incorporated into a routine, but it does not hurt to think about such events over the summer to get prepared.

b. Anticipate Homesickness: Even though many are “ready to leave” and may even be counting the days, any new situation brings back fond memories of the old days at home and at school. It may take as long as six months to fully adjust to the novelty of a new campus, classes, and routines, and frequent calls or even visits home during the first year of college are expected. Arranging on how to keep in touch with old friends, asking your parents not to give away your room, and bringing important tokens from home are all ways to manage missing home and familiarity.

c. Learn How To Manage New Tasks: The summer before college is a good time to brush up on activities that one may not be familiar in doing, such as laundry. There is no shame in asking mom or even your housekeeper to give you the basics in separating whites from colors and even learning some basic cooking skills if you plan to keep a microwave in your dorm room. Also, if you feel as though you may need some study skill assistance, many graduating seniors seek some consultation over the summer to prepare for college-level note taking and test preparation.

d. Arrange Your Finances: This is the time to sit down with your parents and work out how money is going to be managed while you are going to be in college. Moving your checking account to a branch in the city of your new college is always a good idea when it comes to cashing checks and getting money directly from the bank. Talk with your parents about also having a credit card to help with big purchases, such as books, and also think about some sort of budget. Parents appreciate when their children approach them with some sort of initial plan of how much money they think they may need on a weekly or monthly basis.

e. Give Yourself Time To Adjust: The hardest part about the first year of college is NOT typically the academics, but the environmental adjustment to being away from home. Alternating feelings of excitement mixed with some sadness and some mild anxiety are the common feelings experienced during Freshman year. When one does not prepare for these experiences and manage them well-enough, conditions such as excessive drug and alcohol usage, poor or failing grades, and general unhappiness can occur. In the most extreme cases, some Freshman end up dropping out for they were not psychologically or physically prepared for the many changes that college introduces.

f. A Note About Your Parents and Siblings: If your parents are like most, they are having a reaction to you leaving as well. Most parents are both proud or your accomplishments, yet sad that you will be going away. After all, they have been living with you for the past 17 to 18 years, and your absence will be noticed on a daily basis. Do not be surprised if your parents also fluctuate from being happy to moody as they too are making internal adjustments to your upcoming departure. In many cases, the leaving college student often has to reassure their parents that everything is going to be fine and that they will see you during the holidays. Allowing them to help you initially set up your dorm room is a way to also help them adjust to the change and accept your leaving. Regarding your siblings, they will probably be ambivalent. On the one hand, they have had their eye on your room for the past year or so, but on the other, they will also miss you. After all, with you gone, they now become the focus of your parents!

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show

"The Leaving For College Checklist"

drkanner — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 12:35:00 GMT

Background: In just over a month's time, thousands of recent high school graduates will be leaving the comfort of their childhood homes embarking onto a new college campus which will become his or her new home for the next four or so years. The college freshman has "officially" shifted from adolescence to adulthood and is now faced with new and different tasks than they experienced during the years of high school. Greater independence, self-responsibility, emotional maturity, and new and different social challenges are all simultaneously introduced which can be exciting for some, but overwhelming for others depending upon both the personality and previous experiences of the individual. Perhaps the most significant difference is that all of these new experiences are withstood without the comfort of their parents being close by for supervision and daily consultation. Despite high school being a time of greater independence and favored auton! omy from parents and although most have an internalized feeling of security and endurance, college introduces new and different experiences from any of the previous years. For example, college freshman are required to get themselves up every morning; schedule and manage their courses; do their own laundry; manage their own finances; set their own curfew; have a study schedule; balance a social and academic life; stay in shape; and contemplate their futures. Although exciting, the management of these tasks can also be stressful.

Research indicates that the most difficult aspect of the freshman year is not so much the academic challenges, but the adaptation to living in a new environment away from home. The highest college drop out rate in college is during this first year as well as the greatest incidents of mental illnesses including depression and anxiety disorders. Physical illness is also greatest during this first year as well. The freshman year may be considered a mini rite of passage whereby the years following this one tend to be calmer and more enjoyable. This can be understood as due to experience and adaptation.

However, precautionary measures can be taken ahead of time to help the new freshman better adapt to this challenging year. Parents who assist their children in early preparation for the upcoming change have a significant impact on how their child will adapt to both leaving home and getting settled at college. In fact, and not surprising, the better prepared, the less likely the student will flounder once away from the familiarity of home.

The following are suggestions to help the college-bound freshman to best adapt to college life:

1. During high school, teach and encourage independent skills such as doing laundry; minor cooking; self-waking; balancing checkbooks; and setting up their own appointments. Senior year of high school is a wonderful opportunity to become used to more independent tasks while still in the comfort of having parents close by for consultation and guidance.

2. Visit the college campus ahead of time. Taking a tour of the campus and living conditions over the summer and perhaps even sit in on a few classes, gives the new freshman a sense of what it will be like for them in the Fall.

3. Talk to upper class people about the college experience. When the new college freshman talks to other students from their school about classes, teachers, and college life, many questions are answered beforehand and relieve anxiety.

4. Discuss and plan finance ahead of time. Parents need to talk about money, budgeting, and expenses well in advance giving the student some time to get used to how they will pay for things and manage money. It is always suggested, at least during the first year, that the parents work together with their child to assure that they are comfortable with money and managing it well.

5. Don't give away their room at home. Although college is their "new" home, the freshman will be mourning the loss of their parents and familiar home life. Being able to come home over the holidays and staying in their childhood room gives them a sense of security and comfort which is very important during this first year away from home.

6. Make home visits easy. Having a plane ticket on hand as well as more frequent visits during the freshman year helps with the transition from home to college. Many college freshman need to "check in" with their parents during this significant year of change.

7. Go visit them. Plan a few trips if possible to visit them between major vacations. This assures them that you are invested in them despite them being away from home. These visits also give you a chance to see how they seem to be managing themselves and to make some suggestions if necessary.

8. Telephone often. During the first year, frequent contact with parents is common. In fact, many parents are amazed on how during high school they did not talk much with their child, but now, once in college, the frequency of talking increases indicating that they need your support and comfort. Make having a cell phone or land line easy for them to have.

9. Help them get settled. Be sure to both help them pack and gather supplies for the year and their rooms and escort them to the college campus in the fall. Most college freshman welcome the help of their parents during this transition and will let you know when they are ready for you to leave - usually after a few hours.

10. Encourage them to get help if they are in trouble. Most colleges have counseling centers which have therapists who have experience with transitional anxiety experienced by incoming freshman. Often getting some support and help early in the college experience speeds up the adaptation to college life which can positively effect the years to come.

In most cases, after some normal bumps during the first year of college, the student adapts to their new developmental phase of life and actually enjoys coming home for visits with their families. In fact, many parents revel in the fact that the adolescent years are finally over and their son or daughter has evolved into a healthy adult. They may actually help you do the dishes and ask YOU how your day was.

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego

" The Importance of Family Dinner Time"

drkanner — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:16:00 GMT

A very important topic for all families to consider. Watch Dr. Kanner's award winning show this Monday, July 7th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning and the New CW-San Diego6.

Busy schedules, duel incomes, resistances of adolescents to talk to their parents about their lives, and many other entities, have frequently led many families to abandon the old tradition of family dinners. I'm sure many of you can remember how some of the most valuable bonding time in a family was accomplished during such dinners, and in fact I can remember which food my mother used to cook which led me to either look forward to the past time or try to find a way to state that I had too much homework to eat!

The truth however is that in most families these days, the only time a family can be together and actually visit is during a meal. I can remember that some of the most humorous times during one of my favorite childhood shows, The Brady Bunch, was the information that was generated during dinner conversations. Granted, the Brady Bunch was not what most of us experience during family dinners, in fact just the opposite. These days, depending upon the age of your children, if they are over the age of 6, they really do not want to talk much about their days and adolescents will "take the 5th" and basically remain silent and may even wear their i-pod during the meal. Understandably, most parents feel frustrated and try to generate conversation out of interest and love for their children only to be rejected and hurt. This can then lead to arguments, groundings, of even a decision to just forget about the family dinner idea altogether, but then the pare! nt and child alike feel left abandoned and apart from one another. If you are fortunate enough to have a child under the age of 5, they love to talk and could easily take over the dinner conversation all by themselves, but then the older kids will roll their eyes and want to be excused.

So what can families these days do to reinstate the traditional family dinner tradition in an attempt to make it beneficial for all? I've had many parent share with me the idea of "taking turns" talking about their day, but if you have an adolescent in your home, the common response is "pass". If you have a child between the ages of 7 and 11, the common language used to "describe their day at school" is "fine" without any details whatsoever. This is typically when most parents then try to pry open their minds only to find that their child has managed to "crazy glue" their mouth's shut! The 5 and under ones however love when this happens for they are then center stage and love the limelight and could talk or ask questions for the entire dinner hour causing joy for the parents, but fury for the other children. Who said sitcoms really represent reality in a household - "The Brady Bunch Effect".

The typical situation I have described is normal and is frustrating for every loving and caring parent for they want to know how their children are doing and want to be helpful. Even the best parent cannot read their child's mind, so we need information from them to assess how they are doing. Report cards, progress reports, and other external means of information are helpful in knowing how a child is managing themselves as well as observing whether or not they are socializing and invested in activities, such as sports or arts, but, hey, we all want to hear it from the "horses mouth!". Unless you have a very mature child, all parents have to be more cleaver in how to get their child or adolescent to talk! Here are some of the basic ways to ease the tension around dinner time.

Key Points:

1. Have a family dinner time and mandate it at least 3 days a week. Here, you at least have their attention and you as the parent are mandating the importance of "family".

2. Prepare meals that the children enjoy. This may be difficult if you have children at different ages, but it is worth the effort. If kids enjoy what they eat, they will be in a better mood. Obviously, make it healthy and stay away from junk food items.

3. Be in a good mood yourself. Begin by talking about your day and share some experiences with your significant other if you have one to get the ball rolling. You could even consider making an agenda with your partner ahead of time covering topics which entail topics having to do with feelings - happy, sad, frustrating, etc. to help model the importance of sharing and talking. Do not however use this time to discuss misgivings about your children, for they will retreat immediately. Save those times for private moments.

4. Do NOT interrogate them with questions, such as "how was your day", for the over 6 year olds. Instead, bring up some neutral topics at the table, such as the Padres; Chargers; Election issues; our great team here at Fox6 moving to CW6 next month (lol); current events; things you have read about in the paper about important issues but being careful NOT to bring up any topic that might be too much for your younger children to comprehend; upcoming family vacations, etc. This "indirect manner" will often ease your tweens and teens to chime in for "they have opinions", often the opposite of yours, but that is normal developmentally, and can lead to, I hope, a rich conversation.

5. Consider inviting their friends to some of your dinners. Tween and Teen guests will often share all sorts of information with you that your own children will not because you are NOT their parent. With such friends, you CAN ask them questions about school, friends, etc. and they are more likely to answer, because they are not in the process of having to prove their independence to you, and you can find out a lot about school, friends, etc. Be careful however to NOT ask them any questions about YOUR child in private for you will pay the price with your own child for prying.

In summary, what you are doing with this mandate is reinforcing the notion of "family" despite developmental changes and communicating that you are interested in your child irrespective of what they might be going through. Such a tradition will then likely be passed down to their generation and hopefully the next. As I have talked about before, we need to get back to the basics by instilling family values in our children and dinnertime may be the only time that a family can be in the same place at the same time.

Try these techniques out at home and let me know how it plays itself out by contacting me here @ Fox6. Also, if you have some other success stories, please share them with me as well so I can pass them along to other parents (with your permission only) so we can all try to be better parents.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com

"Profanity & Children"

drkanner — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:21:00 GMT

A very important topic for all families with children! Watch Dr. Kanner dicuss this one live on Monday morning, June 30th @ 8:15.

Although George Carlin was a brilliant man and fabulous comedian, his views on the "normalization" of profanity is one area of his reasoning that I must respectively disagree as I would assume most, if not all, mental health experts would agree. The use of profanity has always been prohibited in schools, camps, sports clubs, and all organizations that work with youths, and for very good reasons. Most parents also do not let their children "swear" for they intuitively know that it is not in their child's best interests and can lead to all sorts of future problems.

When children are allowed to use "swear" words, they know within their minds that it is wrong and that they are breaking a rule. Most healthy children then feel bad when they break rules and then unconsciously punish themselves in a variety of ways for not "doing what they are taught to do" by their parents, teachers, coaches, etc. The common term of "negative attention" can be applied to this concept. Aside from breaking a rule, the content of such "words" can also lead to greater impulsiveness, over-stimulation, and also lead to fighting within the household and on the playground. Such swearing can also become infectious in that other children, due to wishing to be accepted, will adopt such terminology and the plot thickens.

However, beneath each use of such words are obvious feelings and thoughts which are important for parents to try to understand and help their children feel comfortable with, not guilty about. For example, when a child uses an "angry" swear word, they are expressing anger or frustration. On the other hand, a "sexualized" term may indicate questions about sexuality and be an indication that they may have some questions or anxieties about such topics.

Therefore, it is important for parents to intervene in two ways when their children swear. Before setting a limit or punishing them, first try to listen to the content of their choice of words and ask yourself what they might be feeling and thinking. Second, it is important that the parent then validates the feeling. Third, try to help your child get to the bottom of what is either bothering them or what might be on their minds. Finally, the helpful parent needs to set limits on the use of such words with "helpful" contingencies, and encourage the child to use "more appropriate" words to express their feelings. The basic idea behind this technique if not to instill guilt over their feelings, but to help them learn how to accept, manage, and express them in appropriate manners. When this is successfully accomplished, the child feels supported, protected, and validated for their feelings which then reduces self-punishment (I.e. ! negative attention) and other forms of behavioral or psychological problems. The use of swear words also allows the parent to educate them about the potential contents that our on their minds which also lessens anxiety. For example, most children between the grades of 4th and 6th, begin to use all sorts of sexualized terms and frequently take the terms too far. This is an indication that as "Tweens", their bodies are changing and they are starting to feel new sensation which are new, exciting, and also perhaps anxiety-provoking. When parents hear these types of terms, the door becomes open to approach them with opportunities to discuss puberty, questions about topic such as masturbation, etc. Once again, behind every expression of profanity are feelings, thoughts, and perhaps some anxiety about what is going on inside of their minds. Just punishing them for what they state, misses the opportunity to help them learn about themselve! s, others, and how to better tolerate and express strong feeli! ngs.&nbs p; When parents approach profanity from this complex perspective, they are doing what all parents should be doing - parenting, and your children will surely benefit from your investment in them.

Key Points:

1. Profanity is an expression of strong feelings and thoughts.
2. Parents need to try to understand what is behind the terms they are using.
3. Opportunities are them evident to teach them about their questions.
4. Set limits on such terms, but encourage the expression of the feelings in appropriate words.
5. When children are allowed to "break rules", they feel bad about themselves and may go into a self-punishing mode behaviorally, academically, or otherwise.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com

"How Kids Understand Time"

drkanner — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:16:00 GMT

Don't miss this one! Watch Dr. Kanner talk about how children understand time at different levels of development and much differently than adults this Monday, June 23rd @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning

Background: As parents, have you ever noticed how depending upon the age of your child, discussing time issues can be both confusing and frustrating? One of the easiest mistakes as adults is the assumption that children understand time in the same manner as we do. Even more confusing is that as they mature, time is then managed in a different fashion and it is easily then misunderstood that the child is now being "better behaved", rather than his or her brain maturing to the level of being able to tolerate and process information in a more formalized manner.

Therefore, it is no surprise when our children, depending upon his or her age, do not necessarily cooperate with our requests for compliance to perform tasks in the same way we might like them to or react to other issues relating to time like having to wait a while for a treat. For example my 7 year old son becomes very frustrated with me whenever I cannot do something with him at a particular time on a particular day. Just last weekend, we discussed building a go-cart together for a fun father-son project and he expected in his mind that this was going to happen "just then". When I explained to him that I had to do a little research on go-carts, safety, and where to get one,his immediate comment, based on feeling excited and then frustrated (normal for a 7 year old) was "this is never going to happen". Even with my detailed explanation of the process of research, searching, and buying, in the mind of a 7 year old, "today is the day".

My 5 year old is a completely different story. Still living part time in the wonderful world of magical thinking, time for him is filled with fantasy and excitement and when something does not happen immediately, his fantasy life keeps the wish perpetual. For example, he loves gardening with me, which he would do 24/7, but when I cannot at that moment, his magical mind cannot separate one day from the other and therefore our fun activity stays alive in fantasy and buys me some time.

Now, my almost 10 year old daughter is completely different. She has has the cognitive (thinking) capacity to not only tell time, but also to think both in the past and a little into the future, so she is then able to better tolerate frustration better than my 7 year old(which is still tough for any children!).

Such examples, which I am sure many of you can relate to, are not behavioral issues per se, but based on what a child is functionally able to do based on their age and level of development. It is true that some children mature faster than others, but in most cases, cognitive (thinking) and emotional (feeling) development changes over time based on physiological, and neurological maturation. Often times, when parents come to visit me, they are happy to hear that what their child is doing or saying is absolutely "normal" for where they are developmentally and it was a good idea to check it out before assuming that their child was having some sort of a psychological problem. In a nutshell, we cannot expect a child to perform a task if their mind and body are not yet capable. We can see then how when some parents do not understand the normality of certain concepts, they may respond to their children in ways which could do more harm than good.

Back to the time issue with children for example, as indicated in my personal stories, children under the age of 4 view time in magical ways. They do not know how to tell time and time is very grandiose. As parents, this is helpful for 30 minutes of our time with a 4 year old feels almost like forever and is held in fantasy for quite awhile. Playing a game in the park for 30 minutes feels like a day with a parent for many 4 and under children.

Over 5 however, due to maturation and education, these folks are beginning to tell time and are moving away from the magical thinking of the earlier level of children and living in the "here and now", something that we Psychologists call "Concrete Operations", which is a fancy word for thinking in the present and almost living in the moment. This has positive and negative effects - on the positive side, they can take some responsibility for managing some basic activities that they are in the process of completing and have a very limited capacity to remember details of the past. The bad news is that they cannot think in the abstract and struggle when put into a position of having to delay something planned ahead. This then causes frustration and grief sometimes for the entire family.

The good news is that as children mature, such as with my almost 10 year old daughter, she is beginning to abstract and also think in the past with greater ease which then tempers her frustration when she might have to wait for a wished for activity. This process of abstraction matched with the increased capacity to think in the past increases through the adolescent years and so on. It also helps that they can tell time.

These time realities must be taken in consideration by all parents to help them better understand what their child is truly able to comprehend or not and applied to all aspects of their child's life of both parties, the child and the parent alike, will feel frustrated and misunderstood. The ages where most parents seem to struggle the most is with the school age children getting them ready for school, getting them to bed, and holding them accountable for activities that are in the future. Remember, they are only thinking "right now". If we apply this concept to bedtime, which might be in 15 minutes, the parent then needs to alert the child that the clock is ticking in order to help them to prepare for that less desired moment. This process helps move the school-age child into thinking a little ahead and also reduces impending frustration. I even suggest considering a count down regiment rather than a timer because timers cannot talk. Such a technique, when used with a soft and empathic tone, can help the parent of the school aged child to tolerate their frustration "times" much easier which is helpful to all in the household.

Key Points:

1. Children perceive time differently depending upon their age.

2. Often times, developmental milestones can explain struggles rather than assuming psychological problems.

3. Parents need to understand differences in time processing when talking with their children

4. Never assume that your child understands time in the same way that you do.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com

"Negative Effects of Materialism on Children"

drkanner — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 20:39:00 GMT

Be sure to come meet all of us here @ Fox6 tonight at the STAR PARTY @ Sea World.

Watch Dr. Kanner this Monday, June 16th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning discuss this important topic. Don't miss it!

Background: This past week a mother called to schedule an appointment with me based on her 15 year old daughter stealing money out of her purse which had become a increasing habit over the past few months. She went on to tell me that she then used the money to shop for stylish clothing in order to feel at par with the "popular" girls at her school who were furiously teasing her for wearing non-label, regular clothing, and excluding her from a variety of activities. In fact, she was even called "gay" and told that boys would never like her for the types of clothing she wore to school in the mornings. To make matters even worse, many of the boys also would not talk with her and called her a "tomboy" because she was not wearing clothing that would show off her cleavage and tight-enough jeans that they could see her behind. Along with the clothing, then came the accessories - cell phones, designer purses; di! amond earring, make-up, multiple ear piercings; and many other very "sexualized" ornaments. Her mother felt both angry and guilty. On the one hand, this is a true "down to earth mother", a woman who is well-educated, has strong moral, and is trying to teach her daughter that the most important part of a person is what is in the inside, not the outside - to be nice, caring, educated, and respect values, morals, and the rights of others. She told me that she obviously did not dress her child in rags and non-stylish clothing, it merely did not have the "labels" on the clothing identifying it as being "expensive" and that this seemed to be what these other girls were focusing on. On the other hand, the mother felt awful that her daughter was suffering and felt guilty that she was not "conforming" to the standards that these "so-called" popular girls were professing. Aside from the stealing of money, she told me that her daughter was not doing as we! ll in school as she had been this year - falling from all As t! o As, Bs , and Cs, and that she felt she may be depressed. I told her to please bring in her daughter as soon as possible.

Alexa presented as a bright, attractive, yet sad 15 year old young lady who felt embarrassed to have to come talk to a shrink. She told me that the last person she felt she would need to talk to was someone like me because up until middle school, she felt like "everyone else". Over the years however, she described feel often excluded from certain girls groups for not wearing such expensive designer clothes and for not watching the "popular television shows", such as "America's Next Top Model", "Dancing With The Stars", and "The Bathelorette" all of which she described these girls were attempting to emulate. She began to cry as she told me how guilty she felt about stealing money from her beloved mother, but she knew, and agreed with her mother and father's standards about being an individual and unique and not having to "put on a show for other's acceptances". But, she also told me that she wanted to fit in, be accepted, have boys like her, and move a! head as an adolescent. She was tired and saddened about being called a Lesbian, a nerd, having girls pull at her blouse and look for a certain label and then ridicule her for being "poor". Ironically, her family is nothing but the opposite, Her father is a respected and successful professional and her mother both is a successful health care advocate and a wonderful mother of three. It is not about the money, it is about the message. "Be yourself, love yourself, love others, be a good person, learn as much about the world as you can, be a good friend, have empathy for others, and forgive others for their misfortunes". Alexa's conflict was about these opposing forces within her mind. Morally agreeing with her parents, but also wanting to be expected by her peers, and as an adolescent her job is to move into independence and try to get along with her peer groups. But at what cost? Her morals, values, self-esteem? I asked her what perce! nt of the girls in her grade were like these mini-Paris Hilton! s and sh e told me an amazing 70 percent! I became very sad and worried at this moment as I am always being asked why are the kids today so "messed up", and now I have to include the "Materialistic Movement" into the list of unhealthy influences on children. She told me that all of this has caused her to feel as though she does not really know who she is anymore or what she should be - that the present influences in public school are very different from solid healthy values - this has made her sad, depressed, and feeling very guilty.

In psychoanalysis, we use a technique called countertransference as one of our therapeutic tools. Countertransference, as opposed to transference, are the feeling, thoughts, and memories that come into our minds about the material that our patients tell us. We then use this information to better connect to our patient's experiences and better help us develop empathy, compassion, and devise our treatment plans to decrease their suffering. Her story brought me back to my childhood being brought up by parents very similar to hers. My parents were very humble and were very careful not to overdue what they bought for me or allowed me to be boastful or mean to other children. When I was teased about something, whether it be a non-designer type of clothing or when allowed to drive not at 16 back then, but 17, I was allowed to use my mother's 10 year old golden four-door Ford Granada which was what I drove to high school as my first car - I did eventual! ly convince her to buy a Firebird and waxed it every week for her and eventually convinced her by the end of my senior year of high school that it was "too sporty" for her and managed to inherit it before I left for college. But, it was my father's advice - "It doesn't matter what other people think, it is who you believe you are and the choices YOU make. If you are a good person, do good things, study hard, have a positive attitude, then it really doesn't matter what any bully might tell you, because you are a good person and good things happen to good people". His words sunk in and I became an advocate in high school about accepting everyone as an individual and promoted equality and decreased the concept of entitlement and pathological narcissism. I carried this concept into my person and professional life and such beliefs are central to our show here on Fox6.

Back to Alexa, her story combined with my associations to her words helped me both understand how she was feeling, generated compassion and allowed me to help begin to help her work through her conflicts between her family's values and the so-called values of a select group of peers, which appears quite large these days.

I believe this story is a good representation of what is happening in the society of a large number of our youth these days. Many have evolved from rather reaching within to discover knowledge, change, and make the world a better place to live fueled by the addition of healthy family values to one filled with too much competition, envy, and a general lack of consideration for fellow man. I do not mean to imply that everyone is this way, and in fact, I think just the opposite, but their are enough that fall into this category that confuses many healthy children who are in the process of trying to become individuals, naturally separate from their families in order to become their own individual who are then drawn into these senarios in order to establish thi s quest and be accepted into some sort of a peer group. The problem here however, is the health of the peer group one is affiliating with and if it is one which follows the values of superiority, entitlem! ent, over-sexuality, and even the normalization of drugs and alcohol to "be cool", we have a big problem on our hands and it is the responsibility of us, the adults, parents, professionals, teachers, clergy, coaches, and many other "mature" and "healthy" adults to go back to the basics of helping children early in their development and throughout childhood to be kind, compassionate, focus on education, practice and reinforce healthy family values, and talk with your children when they are not being a considerate, honest, compassionate, and reasonable individual. This is our job - parenting and intervening as mature adults rather than leave the "mean girls" on the playground to hurt our children for all of this will be internalized and passed along to the next generation and the next and then we are all going to be in real trouble.

Key Points:

1. Teach and reinforce family values early in development.
2. Do not let your children emotionally or physically hurt another person.
3. Resist over-indulgence - this breeds entitlement and aggression
4. Call your children out when they are acting inappropriate
5. Watch what you expose them to - television and otherwise
6. Set healthy examples and practice what you state

Your Family Matters has been developed to help families live happier and healthier lives. But I need your help to take these messages and apply them in each and every household.

God Bless.

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show

"Arm Chair Parenting"

drkanner — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:23:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 9th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning.

Background: With summer just around the corner, a wonderful opportunity becomes available for time spent with children without the battles of homework and organized sports tainting the air. It is true that as working parents, we will still have ongoing commitments, but our children will be looking for our investment in their interests, ideas, and activities. For many parents, this may catch them off guard as we are used to being put aside due to our children's busy schedules, or they may not make the time to play with their children because they are not sure what type of play is best. For 8 year-old Tom, his life is relatively typical for a boy his age. He goes to school, plays many sports, has a number of collections, and has friends. He shares his experiences openly with his mother, Gloria, who seems engaged and connected to him which makes Tom feel much loved and secured by his mother's attachment to him. On the other hand, his relationship with his father, Bill, is strained and distant. Although Tom's father does not have to travel much with his job and is home most evenings before Tom and his sister go to bed, a disconnect, or lack of connection is evident between Tom and his father leaving this boy feeling disappointed and saddened by the present relationship he has with his father.

Bill, Tom's father states openly that he "loves being a father", but will also state that it has also been stressful for him. For one thing, it has been a struggle for him balancing time for himself with time spent with his children. Bill has a 40+ hour per week occupation and by the end of the day is understandably tired. When he walks in the door at home at the end of the day, both Tom and his sister smother him and want his undivided attention for they have missed him during the day. This puts Bill in a bind; he is tired and stressed, but also feels as though he should spend some time with his children. The result is strained interaction which leaves Tom feeling bad that he has annoyed his father. Another variable which makes it difficult for Bill to interrelate with Tom is a feeling as though he cannot understand Tom's experiences based on his young age. "It's really hard to understand an 8-year old for me. I look forward to when he is older so he can talk to me more like an adult."

Terri is a full time mother who also has an internet clothing business. Often time, she is busy trying to make sales while her two children play aimlessly around the house. Often times, they hurt each other or fight like wild dogs which drives Terri crazy. When the behaviors become extreme, she then puts down her computer and begins to discipline the children which makes them stop. She then returns to her computer and the fights continue. This is a good example of what I call "Arm Chair Parenting" and is a doomed to fail. What Terri does not realize is that her children are showing her their anger for her lack of investment in their lives. As small children, they are not internally aware that they are feeling sad and ignored by their mother, but internally, they feel sad and externalize their feelings by fighting as an unconscious attempt to ask their mother to play with them. Obviously , Terri needs to fulfill her obligations for her job, but just like we explain to our children, their is a time for work, and a time for play. This adage applies to adults just as much as children. In all liklihood, if Terri were to pick up on her children's cues, and began to play with them for awhile, or make special time to do so, her children would feel satisfied and calm down. Once engaged in some other structured or fun activity, Terri could then return to her computer.

The above vignettes are common stories for many families in that the task of parenting can be both the most rewarding, yet stressful experience for many adults. Becoming a parent is a developmental achievement for adults that shifts them into a more advanced level of development filled with challenges and tasks. Many adults will express that having a child is the single most remarkable experience in life and immerse themselves in the process, while others feel pleased with the process, but struggle with both the stresses and capacity to understand what goes on in the minds of children and adolescents and how important they are in learning about life, themselves, and the world around them.

For the child, having an invested, loving, understanding, and available parent contributes to both an internalized sense of love and confidence as well as becomes a marker for premier psychological functioning and success in the future. For both boys and girls, the relationship they have with the same-sex parent also is significant in the establishment of gender identity and interpersonal or social performance for this parent is their ideal as to what they aspire to be like inn future years. In other words, this parent becomes the "hero" for the child. Therefore, when the relationship is strained or distanced, the effect can be detrimental to the child.

Many parents do not understand how their interaction, attitude, and investment in their children serves as the most vital predictors for their child's psychological development and future success. Many rely too heavily on schools and other external avenues to help their child mature and grow. The truth, however, is that the relationship with the parents is the single most important relationship and learning opportunity for any child and will have a significant impact on both the child's everyday life as well as molding their personality overe the years as they become independent adults.

The old adage "parenting is the toughest job in the world" is a truism as well as the one stating that "parenting is the most rewarding experience in the world" as parents experience their offspring blossom ad become self-functioning. Taking both of these into consideration, the more that the parent can learn about child and adolescent development, the uniqueness of their child, and try to connect themselves to their child through each stage of their development, the outcome for both the child and parent alike is optimal and rewarding.

To provide for this opportunity, however, certain measures must be considered:

1.   Familiarize yourself with child and adolescent development. There are various books available for parents on all aspects on each stage of development, such as the series of developmental books through the American Academy of Pediatrics and ones published by T. Barry Brazelton and Peneloppe Leach.

2.   Make an effort to get to know your child. Look at their artwork, read their stories, attend school-related activities, and ask them about their interests and let them teach you things.

3.    Make time to spend time alone with them apart from other children and your spouse. Children love one-on-one time with a parent for they do not have to share any attention.

4.    Take care of yourself. Each parent needs to balance self-care with caring for their child. The healthy adult who can take care of both their own physical and psychological needs is both more capable of giving more to their children as well as setting an important model for healthy adult development. If Bill, for example, in the vignette was able to perhaps find a time to exercise during his day, and debrief himself on his way home from work, his attitude and demeanor once home might be more relaxed and loving, which would be beneficial for both Tom and Bill alike.

5. Use this summer as an opportunity to spend time and give plenty of attention to your children while the stresses of school are off the table. Your kids will be a bit bored this summer with the loss of structure, so consider filling some of it with you!

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show

"Growing Pains Versus Warning Signs In Tweens & Teens"

drkanner — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:20:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 2nd @ 8:15a.m. on Fox 6 News In The Morning.

With the recent arrest of 14 year old Heather D'Aoust for the alleged murder of her adopted mother over the Memorial Day weekend, many parents are understandably looking at their own children with their eyes wide open in hopes of determining whether or not their demeanor and behaviors constitute what would be considered "normal" or "deviant" for their age group. This is due to the fact that most children who "act out", have a history of psychological struggles and parents have been told that they "should" be able to know their child "well-enough" to judge whether they in good or bad shape. Subsequently, parents then feel guilty if they do not pick up on various cues and respond before a crisis occurs. Such issues came to a head when the D'Aoust case broke for the initial reporting was that she seemed to be a "typical" teenager and in fact her mother was a school counselor. Many concerned parents then asked "how can something like this just happen.....do kids just sometimes snap?". To the relief of many, as well as understandable empathy and sympathy for the D'Aoust family, Heather's defense attorney introduced to the court that she was indeed suffering from some undisclosed psychological problems and hopes that the court system will take such into consideration as her case continues in court.

Everyone knows that parenting is indeed the most important but toughest job in the world. As any parent comes to realize, one cannot climb inside of their child's mind and know what is actually going on. In fact,this becomes especially so in the tween and teenage years as most tweens and teenagers do not know either as they are in constant states of flux and conflict which helps to explain why adolescence is such a complicated and confusing stage of normal development. To make matters even more complex, most tweens and teens do not openly talk to their parents as they are normally trying to individuate and attempt to stand up on their two feet and avoid feeling dependent upon their parents. Here is when their friends become the "new" allies in the process of growth and development which can be very helpful but also at times dangerous.

So how can parents determine as to whether their child is sailing through the tween and teen years well enough to avoid developing psychological problems which would seriously effect their development and well-being especially when they own child is neither disclosing themselves in words and also feeling typically flooded with feelings and challenges? Fortunately, although the teen may communicate themselves in words to their parents, their behavior and attitude provide windows into their minds which can then help the attuned parent evaluate whether or not they have a child in distress. In other words, both the tweens and teens are not able to contain all of their struggles in their minds and watching them on a day to day basis most often is enough for parents to be on alert if a significant problem were to manifest.

On the other hand however, parents also need to know what would be considered "normal" behavior for a teenager which is ironic for many people struggle normalizing much of what the typical adolescent portrays given they are making such assessments based on being mature adults. From a "normal" point of view however, given the normal internal and external conflicts and pressures that the tweens and teens entertain on a daily basis, the following are typical and expected from ages 12 through 17:

Normal Teen Behavior:

1. moodiness
2. inconsistent self-esteem
3. distancing from parents
4. strong peer alliances
5. experimentation
6. increased aggression and sexuality
7. inconsistent judgment
8. tiredness
9. idealistic differences from parents
10. concerns for the future

On the other hand, dangerous games, failing grades, drug and alcohol abuse, habitual rebellious behavior,depression, and in the worst case, teenage suicide, are all examples of “warning signs” that a “tween” or adolescent are in trouble, and that their behavior is not normal as compared to what is considered expected for a teenager. The old adage that “kids will be kids” can be a dangerous assumption if one does not fully understand what is considered “normal” versus abnormal behavior when considering a middle or high school-aged boy or girl. As psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychoanalysts, we speak of the typical processes of separation and individuation as children and adolescents alike consciously and unconsciously attempt to separate themselves and be psychologically independent from their adult counterparts by acting and doing things differently in efforts to feel less dependent and more grown up, but the degree and extent to which course might take must consider individual differences based on both the personality and particular conflicts each child and adolescent endures.

Another important consideration is that by definition, adolescents tend to feel normally invincible and their judgment tends to be commonly inconsistent based on the influences of strong feelings of aggression and sexuality which puts great stress on their consciousnesses. Coupled with peer influences, pressure to do well in school, and a more or less self-centered view of the world based on their general sense of vulnerability, decisions are often half thought through and mistakes happen from time to time. When this happens, most “good” parents set limits and the behaviors calm down, until the next periodic time of “not thinking” occurs. However, occasional poor judgment is far different than consistent investments in self-compromising behaviors which tend to place this group of children into frequent states of peril. When this happens, we see these choices as symptoms of something much larger inside of the adolescent causing disturbance and subsequent maladaptive behaviors.

Exactly what is going on inside of these particular children needs more investigation to determine for example as whether or not they are depressed, going through a rough developmental period, or withstanding an even more debilitating personality disturbance. However, it takes an invested parent who is observing their child on a daily basis and who has some sense of what is considered normal or not, to make the determination as to whether or not their child needs help.

In most cases, when parents find that their child is going down a less than optimal pathway, they intervene and talk with their child and then if there is a lack of change, they get them some help. This is why most adolescents are not either depressed or failing out of high school. Parents however, need to constantly be on alert as to how their child is managing his or her lives during these critical years. We all know that most adolescents do not talk openly to their parents for those same reasons of wanting to be “on their own”, but their behaviors usually speak loud and clear as to how they are really feeling about life and themselves. Very few children who are really suffering have a lack of presently symptoms that can be identified by anyone outside of the boy or girl who has the knowledge of normality versus abnormality and pay attention to their children. Symptoms are basically anything that is evidence of something self-compromising to a child or adolescent, but the top most common ones are as follows:

Abnormal Teen Behavior:

1. failing grades in school
2. habitual risk-taking behaviors
3. daily negative self-statements
4. a absence of friendships
5. evidence of self-injurious activities (i.e. cutting)
6. poor hygiene after age 12
7. school behavior problems
8. trouble with the law
9. consistent oppositional attitude towards all adults
10. evidence of drug and alcohol paraphernalia

Limits placed on these issues by parents help children in elevating their self-esteem and subsequently helps them better manage their feelings which at this stage feel out of their control. When a parent helps, these noted symptoms often subside, and the risk of their actions intensifying lessen. However if a parent fails to identify such problems and fail to get them some help if their best efforts fall short, their child will continue to suffer and their problems may intensify leading to some sort of crisis which can then hurt the entire family.

Resources can be obtained by contacting your child’s primary care physician, calling your insurance company and asking for a list of approved professionals, or by viewing my list of specialists in child and adolescent psychology and psychiatry through my blog here on Fox6.com.

Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News – San Diego
San Diego Living Show