Your Family Matters

"Attitude is Everything: Being & Feeling Thankful"

drkanner — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:11:00 GMT

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday, November 23rd @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.

Background: "Attitude is everything". We have all heard this before, but is it true? Research teaches us that people with a generally positive attitude towards life tend to fair better in all major aspects of their lives from relationships to work and even in terms of financial success. In fact, positive people tend to even live longer whether or not they are single or married. But, why are some people just more "naturally" optimistic than others. Is there really such as thing as a "happy gene", or does it have more to do with how a person manages stress and conflict? Of course, the answer is both. Genetics really do determine something that we call "temperament", or that inborn personality that we all see with our kids when they come into our lives. In fact, those of us with more than one child also realize that each child has a different personality and this has nothing to do with parenting. So, hard wiring does play a significant role in whether a person naturally sees the glass half empty or half full. But, can that imprint be somehow modified if you did not happen to inherit that smiling jean? Let's take a look.

It's the old nature versus nurture debate and the conclusion is the same. Yes, to a certain extent, if we try hard enough, we can make a difference. Think of heart disease. If an individual has a family history of heart disease, chances are, they will die from a heart attack. But, if that same person takes care of their diet, exercise, and attitude, life is frequently extended from what would have otherwise been predicted. Psychological predispositions are also real and how one chooses to manage their inside and outside worlds also has an effect on their degree of managing the mental side of life. Here is where parenting can really make a difference. Aside from teaching our children about the world and how to better endue and enjoy, a parent's attitude about life spills over onto their children. We have all seen this in the observations of our friends. Happy people tend to produce happy kids, and negative people tend to produce negative kids irrespective of having happy or not happy genetics. This is good news and bad news. The good news is that as parents, we can really make a difference in our child's happiness. The bad news, is that our attitude can also cause more hardship on our children if we let it.

Therefore, the objective for any parenting adult is twofold: taking charge of your own destiny and trying to better teach your child the most beneficial ways to manage and enjoy life. As my friend and colleague, John Assaraf are I are busy outlining, pondering, and writing our first book together, My Father The Jewish Mother, much about attitude has to do with "choice". We all have challenges, crises, and hard times, but each person also has aspects of his or her life where they need to be thankful and let that be the guiding light. This is not to live in a state of denial of hard times and hardships, which just would not be an intelligent choice, but more how to both take tough times in stride and hold onto the aspects of life that bring us pleasure and happiness. For some, it is having the gift of healthy children; for others,it might be being in love. The point regardless, is to always be thankful for something that you have.

Attitude may be seen as the most valuable coping mechanism. A positive attitude reduces stress, increases thinking, and enhances judgment. It also increases friendships and social affiliation. Try this for a day. Everywhere you go, smile and say hi to everyone you come into contact with. Whether this is towards someone you know, or even a complete stranger. The response you will receive will likely be positive and you will feel better. Behind your smile is a conscious sense of "thankfulness" for things you have in your life that help you stay strong when your have to deal with less than fortunate realities that we all endure. For me, it's always my three healthy and beautiful kids who I thank G-- for everyday.

Once a individual practices being positive, while at the same time withstanding the common ups and downs of everyday life, attitude can change, but it takes time and practice. Blending positive thinking with staying focused and invested in one's life is the key to living a happy and healthy life and passing that down to your children may be the best gift you can give them.

Key Points:

1. Being thankful for what you do have, elevates mood and productivity
2. People like being around positive people
3. Attitude is both genetic and learned
4. Children can inherit your attitude
5. A positive attitude is a healthy coping mechanism
6. Try smiling and say hello to everyone for a day

Happy Thanksgiving.

Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego

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8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
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drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Warning Signs: Adults vs. Children"

drkanner — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:30:00 GMT

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner this Monday, November 16th @ 8:20am discuss this segment live on San Diego 6 News In the morning.

Over this past week, many professionals have blamed the Fort Hood shootings on a failure to see the "warning signs" exhibited by Dr. Hasan. Some of these included angry statements about the government, giving items away, and him appearing somewhat strange as compared to previous times in his life. From a clinical point of view, these are signs of a person in some sort of distress and addressing these when first noticed would have perhaps prevented the loss of innocent lives.

However, most people do not know what to look for considering such warning signs in their friends or co-workers based on the fact that they are not mental health providers. Therefore, educating people about what to look for in others is a very important practice to help keep things safe whenever possible. As emotional disturbance comes from the inside worlds of people, where others do not have access,and the public is placed in a position to what is “observable” to determine if a particular behavior is a “warning sign”. Obviously, people who are closer to a person will be in a better position to make such a determination, but some signs are fairly visible to the attentive viewer. Such acute signs might include:

1. Strange thinking or behaviors

2. Poor judgment

3. Withdrawn and isolative

4. Finalistic thinking and actions

5. Impulsive behaviors

6. Social, occupational, or educational problems

But, what about kids? Do they follow the same patterns as adults or not? Sometimes yes, but sometimes no, and parents and adults need to know what to look for as "warning signs" in kids too.

Dangerous games, failing grades, drug and alcohol abuse, habitual rebellious behavior, and in the worst case, teenage suicide, are all examples of “warning signs” that a “tween” or adolescent are in trouble, and that their behavior is not normal as compared to what is considered expected for a teenager. The old adage that “kids will be kids” can be a dangerous assumption if one does not fully understand what is considered “normal” versus abnormal behavior when considering a middle or high school-aged boy or girl. As psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychoanalysts, we speak of the typical processes of separation and individuation as children and adolescents alike consciously and unconsciously attempt to separate themselves and be psychologically independent from their adult counterparts by acting and doing things differently in efforts to feel less dependent and more grown up, but the degree and extent to which course might take must consider individual differences based on both the personality and particular conflicts each child and adolescent endures.

Another important consideration is that by definition, adolescents tend to feel normally invincible and their judgment tends to be commonly inconsistent based on the influences of strong feelings of aggression and sexuality which puts great stress on their consciousnesses. Coupled with peer influences, pressure to do well in school, and a more or less self-centered view of the world based on their general sense of vulnerability, decisions are often half thought through and mistakes happen from time to time. When this happens, most “good” parents set limits and the behaviors calm down, until the next periodic time of “not thinking” occurs. However, occasional poor judgment is far different than consistent investments in self-compromising behaviors which tend to place this group of children into frequent states of peril. When this happens, we see these choices as symptoms of something much larger inside of the adolescent causing disturbance and subsequent maladaptive behaviors.

Exactly what is going on inside of these particular children needs more investigation to determine for example as whether or not they are depressed, going through a rough developmental period, or withstanding an even more debilitating personality disturbance. However, it takes an invested parent who is observing their child on a daily basis and who has some sense of what is considered normal or not, to make the determination as to whether or not their child needs help.

In most cases, when parents find that their child is going down a less than optimal pathway, they intervene and talk with their child and then if there is a lack of change, they get them some help. This is why most adolescents are not either depressed or failing out of high school. Parents however, need to constantly be on alert as to how their child is managing his or her lives during these critical years. We all know that most adolescents do not talk openly to their parents for those same reasons of wanting to be “on their own”, but their behaviors usually speak loud and clear as to how they are really feeling about life and themselves. Very few children who are really suffering have a lack of presently symptoms that can be identified by anyone outside of the boy or girl who has the knowledge of normality versus abnormality and pay attention to their children. Symptoms are basically anything that is evidence of something self-compromising to a child or adolescent, but the top most common ones are as follows:

1. failing grades in school
2. habitual risk-taking behaviors
3. daily negative self-statements
4. a absence of friendships
5. evidence of self-injurious activities (i.e. cutting)
6. poor hygiene after age 12
7. school behavior problems
8. trouble with the law
9. consistent oppositional attitude towards all adults
10. evidence of drug and alcohol paraphernalia

Limits placed on these issues by parents help children in elevating their self-esteem and subsequently helps them better manage their feelings which at this stage feel out of their control. When a parent helps, these noted symptoms often subside, and the risk of their actions intensifying lessen. However if a parent fails to identify such problems and fail to get them some help if their best efforts fall short, their child will continue to suffer and their problems may intensify leading to some sort of crisis which can then hurt the entire family and those of others.

Follow Dr. Kanner both on our website here at San Diego6.com and at www.kanner.tv

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"College Application Time: Help Needed"

drkanner — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:26:00 GMT

Background: If you have a graduating Senior in your household this year, then you are experiencing one of the most exciting, yet fearful, experiences that your child will endure - graduating from high school and leaving home to some new and unknown place next Fall. As the application deadlines are quickly approaching, the seniors are busy writing essays, taking SAT and ACT exams over again to try to increase their scores, trying to keep up on their normal school work, and unconsciously wondering what it is going to be like leaving home and living independently. In addition, they are mourning the loss of the comforts of home and high school and are also having to consider what will happen to their current friendships one they leave for college. It is truly a full plate and depending upon the particular character and experiences of the person, will determine how he or she will manage the tasks at hand.

At first glance, many parents will state that their child seems "fine" or "quiet" and doesn't seem to say much about the upcoming challenges and changes. This may or may not be a good sign for that child might be managing the steps at hand or be in a state of denial which is not ideal. In this case, denial would serve as a reaction to fear and could cause problems in the process of both completing applications and preparing to leave home. So, as a parent, how do you determine where your child is in this process? If you are like many parents, your high school student has been striving for more independence over the past few years. Finding out what is really going on in their lives is tricky for most want to be "left alone" and will actively try to push you away. As we all know, the parents who take such steps too personally and actually emotionally distance themselves from their children create a less than optimal growing environment for their adolescent where the child feels often abandoned and subsequently will get into trouble as a way of unconsciously repairing the feared loss of their parent. On the other hand, those adolescents who do not differentiate from their parents "enough" feel overly dependent on them and are equally afraid to venture out on their own. In either of these "extreme" cases, when regression, or an internal reactions to stress comes into play, such as when college applications are on the table, family life can become chaotic and unpleasant for all.

So, how can parents best help their child manage the "normal" anxieties of getting ready to leave home and complete the application process before the deadlines expire? The answer is go to them, if they are not coming to you. Sometimes the college application process brings back harmony in the adolescent-parent relationship for the child is feeling independent-enough to work together with their parents as joint parties after years of mild to moderate opposition, but in other cases, the adolescent is not ready yet to re-connect with their parent without feeling too controlled. In either case however, when the parents know what the tasks are at hand, in this case college applications, and go to their child and both ask "how it is going" and then offer help, the adolescent will be more likely to allow you to help if you are both empathic and not overly controlling. This is one of those important times to remember that your help should be designed to only help them as much as they need to too in order to successfully get the task accomplished. Parents who "take over the application process" convey to their child that they do not believe they are capable to manage the process and sends the message that the parent does not have faith in their child's capacity to manage themselves away from home. As the college application process is the first step in leaving home, it is very important that parents work together with their child to prepare for greater independence NOW, not later.

Ideally then, the senior works in collaboration with their parents in getting the applications completed, edited, and sent off to the colleges before the deadlines expire. Some regression is normal ( internal anxiety leading to external compromises, such as apathy), and here is where the loving and supportive parent can really help by both encouraging both the application completion and then a greater focus on helping their child feel competent about leaving home and surviving away from home.

Over the next 6 months, Your Family Matters will focus on the process of helping your college senior prepare to leave home so their initial experience in college will be more rewarding than stressful. But first, help them get those applications in before the deadlines.

Key Points:

1. The college application process is the first reality step in leaving home
2. Most Seniors are both excited but also nervous
3. If too nervous, applications might be difficult to complete
4. Parents need to go to them and offer help
5. Once completed, practice is needed to build independent confidence

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Group Think": Beware

drkanner — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:33:00 GMT

Background: Given the name,Group Think" seems to support the notion that two heads are better than one, or that there is safety in numbers. The reality is that this may be true in some situations, but not in others. For example, while many Fortune 500 companies thrive on the positive notion of teamwork equating with success, there are other times when the greater numbers of people lead to negative outcomes and anything but fortune.

This past week a high school student was gang raped after her Homecoming dance in northern California. What is even more astonishing is that there were a number of witnesses who did nothing to help this poor individual. Many of these witnesses stated that they were either afraid they would get hurt or that someone else would do something to help the victim. In this case, no one went to her aid and she was horribly attacked.

Unfortunately, this type of situation is well-known in the psychology world under the heading of Bystander Intervention. Here, many studies have shown that when a person is in a condition of aggressive danger, the more people present, the less likely help will occur. The underlying premise is two-fold: first, someone else will help; and second, a fear that something bad will happen to the person who reaches out to help. In the end, many studies and true events have shown over and over again that these type of situation then lead to disaster, which was again confirmed this past week with this poor girl after her dance.

On the other end of the spectrum are the heroes and people blessed with altruism. I place firefighters, law enforcement, and the military. These individuals seem to not be effected by such statistics, but we cannot always rely on one of these "heroes" to be present every time there is a dangerous situation to save the day.

So, how do we get people to help others despite such real statistics and studies? Education of this known condition and actions that can be taken to help victims with safe and effective ways to intervene. Either way, apathy is erased and help is provided to the victim.

Countering Group Think:

1. Better educate people about the problem with group apathy during crisis situations.
2. Encourage altruism in both children and adults
3. Consider safe ways to help victims, such as calling for help early
4. Don't assume others will help. Take responsibility to help others.
5. You do not have to place yourself in danger to help another person

Taking these 5 points to heart not only helps save lives but also instills the notion of the importance of helping others which should make each person feel better as a person.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

Halloween Guidelines For Kids

drkanner — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic this Monday, October 26th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.

Background: Most children are busy daydreaming this week about getting ready for Halloween parties and trick or treating next Saturday. However, Halloween can be both a fun or scary experience depending upon certain precautions that parents need to put in place. To begin with, costumes can be both amusing and fun but also quite frightening when considering the age of the child.

For the under 6- year olds, too much exposure to costumes or decorations involving blood, guts, or mangled body parts, as well as too scary a costume, can evoke both extreme anxiety and bad dreams. In some cases, such over-stimulation can cause fears which can last up to a month or longer. Parents of this group of children need to both be careful what they allow their child to wear as well as what they are exposed to during the Halloween ritual. It is recommended that this group begin trick or treating as early as possible and end before the older children get onto the streets wearing graphic costumes and engaging in possible pranks. Obviously, parents need to stay very close to the children in this age group. In addition, when approaching homes with creepy decorations, be sensitive as to whether your child will be too affected by the decor and if so, you may wish to miss that particular house. Haunted houses are also NOT recommended for the under 6 year-olds for the same reasons as mentioned regarding costumes and decorations for children in this age group are still between fantasy and reality thinking and graphic exposure may feel "too real" to them causing undue anxiety.

For the 6 to 11 year-olds, it is suggested that parents also stay close by as they venture onto the streets due to possible dangers that could occur due to group behaviors and the effects of anonminity that wearing costumes can cause - for example, children are more likely to act out if their identity is masked. In addition, impulsiveness increases in numbers. Therefore, parents are needed to safeguard the grade school aged child.

Regarding the early to middle adolescents, they will most likely try to ditch any parent who attempts to tag along, but it is still suggested that the parents of this age group are still somewhere present in the neighborhood - perhaps in a parked car at the end of the street - here, the adolescent has some independence but also some supervision to help keep them from getting into any trouble. Hopefully, the post 16 year olds have given up trick or treating, so this should not be an issue for most parents.

As always, parents need to check through the candy and toss away anything that is unwrapped or seems questionable. Furthermore, limits need to be placed on the amount of candy eaten in order to avoid potential negative health effects. Following these guidelines should assist in a fun and happy Halloween.

Safe Halloween Planning Key Points:

1. For the under 6-year-olds, be careful about exposure to scary costumes/houses.
2. Start the evening early for the small children to avoid older children antics.
3. Up to preadolescence, parents need to be chaperones for safety.
4. For the early to middle adolescent, position yourself at a checkpoint.
5. Always check through candy and limit consumption.

You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"The Importance of Parent-Teacher Conferences : A Must Read"

drkanner — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:04:00 GMT

Be sure to watch CW Television's Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday morning at 8:20 on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Also, check out his Tip Of The Day each morning on San Diego Living at 9:40am. His new radio show, Dr. Kanner & Company will be coming soon to AM/FM and WS-Radio. Stay tuned.

Background: If you are like most parents, either this past week or next week is your first parent-teacher conference of the year. Unlike in middle and high school where such conferences no longer exist unless your child is in serious trouble, the grade school parent-teacher conferences are of vital importance and need to be taken VERY seriously by the parent. This is due to the fact that learning is a developmental task that begins early in a child's life and is influenced strongly by the efforts of both the elementary school teacher and parent alike. The development of interest in school, reading, organization, academic responsibility and completion of tasks each have their origins in the earliest years of school, something we child psychoanalysts called "critical periods" and how the parent works in conjunction with the teacher's observations and recommendations for the child will seriously impact and shape the future academic success of that particular child.

As we all know, parenting is a full time job and having some outside help is always refreshing and gives some breathing time, but parents cannot rely on the teacher to be the only one who is responsible for the academic success of a child. This is just not fair and if each parent does not support the efforts and suggestions of each teacher, at each conference, the child will sense the loophole and not necessarily listen to the teacher and subsequently not learn and perform up to that child's full capacity. This then becomes a personal shortcoming for the child and could later result in lower self-esteem when it comes to academic confidence. Furthermore, the child senses that the important adults in their lives are not on the same page and some children might also feel as though their parents "don't really care about them" if they do not support the efforts of the well-intended teacher.

Many parents think that maturity will somehow kick in and their child will all of a sudden become a scholar. Not true. Yes, some children seem naturally interested in learning and school and some even come "pre-wired" in terms of being organized and dedicated students. If you have one of these children, you are blessed, for it is not the norm. Children learn from the adults most important to them in their lives, namely parents, teachers, coaches, and close family friend adults. By grade school, boys and girls tend to further identify with the adult of the same sex more than of the opposite sex. Therefore for the grade school girls, they will look at their moms more seriously for academic referencing than their dads and vice versa for the boys. This does not mean that the opposite sex parent is NOT important for referencing, but the 5 to 12 year old is developing very strong gender identifications and if they have a parent of the same sex who is academically interested and serious, there is a much greater chance that a child will take on those traits before becoming that "tween" and "teen" who wants to be different than both parents.

So, what do we do?

1. Take notes at the parent-teacher conference. At my daughter's 5th grade conference this week, where she was actually present, I wrote down everything her teacher suggested and made a list of her classes, assignments, goals, expectations, and study-skill recommendations. Expecting my bright daughter, as adorable as she is, to educate me on these things is NOT expected for her age, so I knew I needed to educate myself so I could help her.

2. Support the teacher. Most parents are not trained teachers and do not fully grasp how a child learns. Teachers are trained professionals in the learning field and teach both our children and us how learning takes place and what needs to be done to best help our children reach their academic potentials. In addition, they see aspects of our children that we do not because we do not go to school with them and typically see them in a learning environment. We all really know that ignorance is truly NOT bliss, and that the most educated people tend to be the most successful, so listen to the teacher and implement what they suggest we do at home to help our children.

3. Learning doesn't stop at school. Homework is what it is. Working and learning at home. We all loathe it, but there is far too much to learn about the world in a 6 hour day at school, so we all need to make the effort to stay focused and get through the task. When we as parents take homework seriously in grade school children and reward the accomplishment of the tasks, most children then habitually adapt to this type of schedule during the middle and high school years and there tends to be less of a battle than otherwise if parents do not enforce the necessity of homework and studying.

4. Mandate a planner. Most grade school teachers try to get their students to write down their assignments in some sort of a planner and also have many of the assignments on-line as a back-up. However, relying on a grade school child to perform these tasks without their parent checking each and everyday is a recipe for disaster. Be sure you tell your child that he or she MUST write down their assignments, due dates, tests, and other required assignments and show them to you everyday! In fact, I always suggest that a typical homework day should go as follows:

1. a break after school with a good snack and some time for play or exercise.
2. a set homework time where: a) the child has a quiet and distraction-free area with good light; b) they must show you what they have to do that day and what the rest of their week plan will be; c) they must show you that they fully completed the tasks before finishing. Short breaks are fine provided you get them back on track.
3. a reward time after homework is over.

When parents demonstrate this type of investment in their child's homework, the benefits are numerous, there is less fighting over time, and the child's success builds into self-esteem and a liking for school.

5. Help them when necessary. It is always a good idea to let your child do their work if they truly know how to do it, but most children need help in various areas, most notably organization. Note taking, how to study for a test, how to make and use flash cards for vocabulary words, are not genetically based and are learned. So, do not be afraid to share some of your old study tips that you learned when you were a kid. And, if you are rusty, ask their teacher for some tips. As I read with my 10 year-old, we now write down all of the words she does not know, put them on a 3x5 card with the word on one side and the definition on the other and I keep them in the car so when we are on a long drive, I have her teach me the words and we have fun learning together.

6. Use the next parent-teacher conference as a check point for how both you and your child are doing. I am stressing the point here that homework and studying during the grade school years is a family affair. If WE do our homework, then our children become more capable and independent during the middle school and high school years. This does not mean that we are still not fully invested and overseeing their "job" as a student, but if we invest heavily during grade school, it will pay off for them and us.

You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Protective Parenting"

drkanner — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:51:00 GMT

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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday, October 12th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning

With the recent traffic fatality last week in Rancho Santa Fe, most everyone has been in a state of both agony and shock that once again a group of well-liked and admired teenagers were involved in a horrible accident that left one boy dead and others injured. Unfortunately, these horrible stories happen at least once a year and we all ask ourselves where are we going wrong. Why can’t we better protect our youth from placing themselves and others in peril?

I have spoken to dozens of both teenagers and parents alike who either knew these boys and their families and all of them are understandably both in shock and bewilderment. All collectively share in the empathy towards the Capozza family and wonder how a family can possibly recover from the loss of a child. They can’t. Losing a child is considered the worst possible loss any parent could envision. It is nothing less than a part of yourself dying while you are still alive.

Most of the teenagers I have spoken to over the past week, whether they knew these boys or not have been effected by this tragedy. How could they not be? How could any invested parent or any teenager not be sickened and saddened and worried about their own kids and themselves and friends based on being a parent or teenager who has friends? They can’t and they shouldn’t. After all, we are all in this together as parents raising children trying to do the best we can, and adolescents also are invested in protecting their friends too. And empathy and identification from the teenagers and adults alike towards each other is a healthy and needed part of developing into a healthy person.

For years as educators, clinicians, and even in the media, we try to teach and share experiences in order to try to enrich both personal responsibility and hopefully save lives. The very same movies that my generation watched in driver’s education are the same that are viewed today. I still remember watching “Red Asphalt” when I was a Junior in high school and the effect it had on me. But, over the years, we have expanded on trying to bring this “personal” experience home to our adolescents. One student told me this past week that at her school, they actually placed the crashed car which killed one of her friends last year on the quad in the middle of the school to try to remind the students NOT to drink and drive. The bad news is that she told me that the parties still continue and many teenagers at her school still get drunk and drive. The demolished car still remains on the quad.

Nevertheless, such personal connections is what saves lives. In fact, the closer one is to witnessing a horrible event, the less likely it will happen to them for they feel “closer” to the experience and can better relate to the consequence. This is perhaps one of the most important , yet painful life lessons. The problem however is how can we get both adults and teenagers alike to better connect to these experiences on a personal level without having to go through a crisis?

Here is where we have to look at the differences between adolescents and adults and also take into consideration individual differences. It is true that there are some teenagers who are mature-enough to demonstrate good judgment, are clear thinkers, and make good decisions at least most of the time. However, these folks are very mature for their age and usually have parents who have managed to balance being protective-enough with allowing some room for exploration but not in dangerous ways. But, on the other hand, we need to understand that an adolescent is NOT an adult and should not be placed in situations that they may not be able to handle without the helpful hand of their parents. How many adolescents do you know who are really that mature? I’m counting about 5 or 6 I can think of and the rest are still in the “normal” phase of developing and trying to figure out who they are and how to deal with typically strong emotions and situations which tend to alter judgment.

The bottom line is that we have to keep trying to find ways to teach our teenagers about the facts of life in hopes of making them “think” before they act, but we have to do more, because we are not doing enough.

Parenting needs to be a full time job, nothing less. Despite children and adolescents striving towards being their own person, pushing us away, hating our guts when we say “ NO”, they need us to be the strong ones when they can’t. In other words, we need to be the adults when they are still the kids. We have to be the ones who look ahead when they do not have the capacity to do so. We all want our children to be mature and relish in their accomplishments, but we need to remember, they are “not fully cooked” until they have reached adulthood. If I was teaching Parenting 101, this would be my opening line.

But, even more than having such a personal investment in your child, we need to help each other out. In other words, as parents of children and teenagers, we need to be on the same team – the "good" parenting team. Imagine that if as collective parents, we had the best interests at heart for all children and teens, how much safer we would all feel? Take the example of a group of teenagers all “hanging out” at someone’s house and as parents we all followed the same basic rules: safety, protection, and an understanding that the teenagers will likely get carried away if they think we are not “on call" if something gets out of hand, whether it be drinking, smoking, or sexuality? Sure, they will likely get angry at us when we “end the party” if it gets out of hand, but think about it, we may be saving their lives. Albeit, they will accuse us of “ruining their lives”, but we know better, because we have the thinking capacity that they DO NOT yet grasp. I always tell parents, adolescents do grow up into adults, usually around the Sophomore year of college and it’s funny how they then thank us for “stopping them” when they were that “daring, invincible, teenager”, and we then feel appreciated and loved, but we have to put off that experience until they can be on the same page as us, which takes some years of development and experience.

Being the “bad guy” is an essential element of parenting. Too many parents are worried that their children won’t like them if they are “protective”. Get over it. We know better. We parent out of love, not punishment. We parent to help, not hurt. We worry because they are part of us and we don’t ever want to lose them. This is our job. We are their parents AND their “best” friends and “friends don’t let their friends drive drunk” We have the capacity to think this way, but they do not as of yet. So, we need to be the ones who can embrace the concept of loss and keep that in mind always and each day that we love and parent our children. My heart goes out to the Capozza Family in the deepest way. I cannot even imagine the pain and anguish they must be experiencing. But, I will use my empathy for them and their loss each and every day as I parent my and my friend’s children and adolescents. I encourage you to do the same, please.

Key Points:

1. Personal experiences with crises are the most meaningful for change and attentiveness
2. Become aligned with other parents as co-parenting out of love and protection
3. Your job is to be the “Bad Guy”. Don’t fail at this, you may save a life
4. Don’t project adult-like capabilities onto your adolescent – they are still kids
5. They will thank you later.

You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Me First, Kids First?"

drkanner — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:24:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday, October 5th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Check out his website at www.kanner.tv

At present, we have a significant paradox. While at the same time we are experiencing the “Me” generation, implicit in “taking care of oneself first, many of our children suffer. We have all heard the common adage: “you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself, first. “ But, this concept has been taken out of context and has perhaps led to declines in both children’s mental health and increases in selfish thinking. Many viewers have contacted me with grave concerns about how good parenting has fallen due to increases in both personal and materialistic thinking over the past ten years and Sociologists and Social Psychologists have taught us that changing societal standards trickle down to generational shifts in terms of how certain rules and laws perpetuate such standards and then common routines and social influences follow in step, including family values, if one lets them. Exercise programs, crash dieting, make-overs, and other “me-related” advents, have replaced an emphasis on families and children and how parents need to make that investment into their children before anything else.

What happened to the age-old concept that children SHOULD come first? Decades of research have documented the importance of a parent’s investment in their children with proven data showing that the parents who are the most invested in their children, espe cially during infancy through the grade school years, tend to produce the healthiest offspring. I have always found it amazing that even on airplanes we are told that “if there is a loss of cabin pressure, put your oxygen mask on before your child’s”, even though almost any “invested” parent I know if they were falling from 26 thousand feet, would focus on calming their child down and attend to them before worrying about themselves. One mom told me, it would be the same if your child was drowning in a pool – “you hold your breath and jump in and save your child – it’s a no brainer – “. But, is it? Perhaps for some, but not for all.

As with any society, there are a multitude of influences and new trends sometimes challenge common sense and even good parenting. I agree with the concept that people need to take good care of themselves, but if your don’t put your kids before anything else in your life, you fail them and yourselves. Unlike other animals, the human infant is completely dependent upon their caregivers for survival, and that essence of parenting and protection should not stop until the child has been able to take over those “parental functions” independently, which typically does not happen until they leave home for college or work, and even then, parents are still needed.

So, how does one integrate societal shifts and maintain optimal parenting so the welfare of yo ur child is not compromised?

1. Kids must come first. There seem to be two types of people. Those who place themselves first, and others who place their children first. I have serious concerns for any parent who would place their needs before a child. In fact, I believe we need to educate children, adolescents, and young adults earlier about the necessity of parental commitment before they consider beginning a family. This would include the concepts of “selflessness”; child development; and the amazing joys of parenting if you do it the right way. Over the past 15 years, there have been more parenting classes offered, not for NEW parents, but for parents who struggle with their kids. If parental education started earlier, we would all be better off. Perhaps having a look into the future would provide more of a informed choice to become a parent and those that do not think it's for them, might choose not to and save them and their child from future compromises.

2. Use your parental intuition. Most parents have the “right” intentions, but sometimes don’t trust themselves based on what other people might say or do. For example, I have had numerous parents tell me that they sometimes feel like the “bad guy” for placing limits on their children as compared to “other” parents, placing them in a conflict and often “giving in” leading to common problems.

3. Educate yourself about child development. Having a “roadmap” is always the way to go, or you are going to get lost. Children and adolescents are complicated and change from sta ge to stage. If you learn why and what to do, life is easier for everyone.

4. Listen to your kids. As parents, we tend to talk more than listen. When we listen to our kids, we learn where they are, what they feel, and most importantly, what they need from us. But, we must listen without being judgmental or they won’t talk to us. You will have your time to guide, just let them finish first.

5. Play with your kids. We are all busy, especially with a recessed economy. Most of my friends, as well as myself, are working harder than ever, but we need to remain there for our kids nevertheless. Balance is key. I am now volunteering everyday at lunch at my son’s school to coach and play football with them and their friends and it is the most rewarding part of my day. Not only do I ensure that they have fun, get exercise, share, take turns, and learn some football skills, but they all teach me about what their worlds are like and it helps me help them.

6. Family time. Whether your family is intact or not, family is family. Even in dual households, family traditions are key and last a lifetime. Family dinners every night; a reading hour; a game night; joint exploration – it doesn’t matter what you do, you just have to do it and do it on a regular basis.

7. Balance is key. Balance eliminates the too much me”. Extremes cause problems as we all know. Selfish parents produce angry and selfish children. Parents who understand the true essence of parenting, see it as the most important investment in the world, plan accordingly. Working out is necessary, but after the kid’s needs are taken care of.

One final point. It is easy to get lost in the exhausting, yet wonderful world of parenting. Those of us who place our kids first, will affirm that being a mom or dad is the greatest of G—s gifts to us. But, it goes by really fast. The healthier our children, the faster they separate from us and leave us for their friends. So, enjoy it before it’s too late. There will be plenty of time for “me” once they leave home. In fact, for all you great parents out there, having activities to help us mourn the loss of parenting will be welcomed and needed.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Hitting, Kicking, & Biting"

drkanner — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 22:24:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 28th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.

Background: This segment was written due to the request of a number of our San Diego 6 viewers. If you have small children, then most likely you are familiar with your 2 to 4 year old demonstrating their frustration through the means of physicality, namely, hitting, biting, or kicking. Such behaviors are typically expressed towards siblings, parents, and even peers, and is relatively “normal” up until the age of 5. After 5 however, it is expected that a child is mature-enough to use their words to express frustration most of the time, and have developed the internal capacity to self-soothe, or calm themselves down enough to prevent more than occasional outbursts.

The underlying principal behind self-control in children is what is called “frustration-tolerance” which is not an inborn trait, but is learned from the way the child’s caretaker(s) help them manage their strong feelings in the first 3 years of life. For example, parents or caregivers, who nurture their infants and toddlers through difficult times with soothing and caring, help their child internalize how this function works and over time, the child imitates this “external” function internally and it becomes both automatic and unconscious. Such external “soothing” relates to the caregiver “taking away” periods of anxiety, fear, anger, and general discomfort through loving and empathic responses from the adults closest in their20lives.

Children who have this type of early parenting tend to develop into the healthiest children and adults and avoid serious psychological problems both in childhood and even later in their lives as adults. Applying this concept to outburst such as hitting, kicking, and biting, this is the young child’s attempt to tell you that they are feeling overwhelmed with what is going on inside of them. The watchful and attentive parent, validates the strong feeling of frustration to the child in a caring and empathic manner, but then sets limits against such “physical expressions” and “models” appropriate words in the place of the actions. In addition, if there are external events which may prompt the frustration, such as a too violent television show, the parent or caregiver, also removes this variable to help their child not feel over-stimulated over and over again. Other external events may also include a too physical sibling, a lack of attention, or even over-gratification. Frequently, when an external condition that causes anxiety in young children is removed, they feel safer and their behavior calms down.

Temperament also plays an additional variable in the degree of how a child manages their level of frustration tolerance. Strong willed, or spirited children, for example have a more difficult time internalizing the soothing function from caring adults whereby the “easy” or “happy” type of infant readily applies this function. ; Parents with these “spirited” types have to work a bit harder in helping to soothe them, but in the long run, it will all pay off where the “strong-willed” type who develops solid impulse control tend to be the leaders and most successful given their inborn level of drive. In every circumstance however, the parents and caregivers need to be patient and consistent during this invaluable time of development for infants and toddlers.

Key Points:

1. Hitting, biting, & kicking are “normal” developmentally from ages 2 to 5.
2. Once children internalize the capacity to self-soothe, their behavior calms.
3. Words replace actions for feelings of anxiety, frustration, and anger over time.
4. Stronger temperaments are more difficult to soothe, but tend to be the most successful.
5. Patience is necessary for parents during this very important time of development.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

Parenting From Afar

drkanner — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 22:27:00 GMT

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - San Diego's CW

Background: For most parents, being away from their children is a terrible experience. Whether the separation is due to divorce, employment, or too many hours spent in the office, the bonding between a child and a parent is one of life’s most valuable gifts. Children have needs of their parents, and vice versa. Aside from the value of bonding, the effect of a parent on a child’s development is very significant where many children who either do not have or see their parents, often develop a variety of difficulties both in childhood and then later in life.

But, just how does a parent who has to be apart from their child or children best demonstrate efforts to both bond and support the development of their child?

1. Contact them, rather than wait for them to call you. A common error that many parents make is relying on their child to pick up the phone or, even these days, text their parent. It is wonderful when this happens, but kids are busy these days with schoolwork, sports, or friends. Calling their parent, although desired, sometimes feels like a task or something that they feel “required” to do, rather than wanting to. Furthermore, most adolescents will tell you that calling their mom just isn’t “cool”. When we call them however, they know we care and they can then blame the conversation on us, rather than them. This makes them feel “cool”.

2. Don’t expect the conversations to be very long. Children and adolescents are not adults and not capable of carrying on conversations in the same way adults do. When a parent gets “hurt” when their child does not talk very long, this makes the child feel bad and may even make the conversation more strained. So, expect telephone conversations to be brief, to the point, and not very deep, unless your child wants something from you.

3. Don’t ask too many questions. Nobody likes to be questioned, especially kids. Rather than asking “how was school”? , make a statement like “I’ll bet it’s hard going back to school after a fun summer”. Here, the child feels like you are “relating” to them, rather than just asking some questions.

4. Plan ahead to see each other, put it on the calendar, and talk about what you will do together. This gives you and your child something to look forward to together.

5. Send as well as talk. Letters, cards, and even small gifts carry the essence of your love in a symbolic form. Most children hold tightly onto written correspondences from their parents as do parent when their children make or send them “masterpieces”.

Given the advent of social media, communicating through Facebook, Skype, or other computer and internet-based domains are additional ways of staying close to one’s child when you are unable to make it home for dinner.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Motivating Kids To Do Schoolwork"

drkanner — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:13:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 14th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning - CW.

Background: Almost all parents deal with the same issue from the time children begin formalized school through typically the Junior year of high school - children are not naturally motivated to perform school and homework, and battles then ensue in most households. Even parents who introduce the important notion of good study habits run into resistances from their children because other wishful activities outweigh performing tasks, such as schoolwork. Similar to adults, children would rather play than work. Such a normal and natural desire however, for the adult, is then countered with "reality" and some sort of compromise is typically reached because the adult, not child, is capable of such reasoning. But, trying to convince a child of this concept is anything but easy.

The importance of doing well in school leading to future success is an abstract concept that most children are not able to naturally develop until middle to late adolescence. It is almost as if the adolescent "wakes up" and realizes that grades do matter for college and begin to take school more seriously. Unfortunately though, sometimes it is too late due to earlier failures to be responsible and college admissions are compromised. This then leads both the child and parent alike to feel quite disappointed.

In order to get children motivated to perform in school then, before their brain is mature enough to self-motivate, the parent has to better understand what will makes his or her child "tick" to get them to perform tasks that might not be "fun". Before the capacity to "abstract" (i.e. look ahead to the future), children tend to be very "concrete" ( i.e. here and now). When parents understand this capacity, they can then work together with their child in helping them be academically-successful. For example, telling a 6 year-old that if they do not do their homework, they will not get into college, will have zero effect, because a 6 year-old cannot grasp such an idea and may even become worried, leading to even more non-productiveness. But, the savvy parent, who understands the "here and now concept", with the non-adolescent, might use a combination of encouragement, such as "I know this is not fun, but it has to get done", and then follow this statement with "and once your homework is done, you can watch some TV", has matched motivating a child taking into consideration where they are developmentally. Limits can then be used to stress this point if necessary. "To help you, not punish you, to get this work done, I can't let you watch TV until your work is complete".

Although this technique tends to be the most effective with young children, other variables are also helpful including:

1. Setting a good example yourself. For example, I make sure I bring homework home with me every night and do mine at the same time. My kids are always more motivated when they see me work too.

2. Introduce a standard homework time early in your child's development. Good habits are important.

3. Allow kids to have a short break after school for a snack and some play/exercise time before a required "homework time".

4. Have your kids show you what they have to accomplish for the night and help them organize if necessary.

5. During homework time, give some positive reinforcement.

6. Provide some help if necessary. If they need professional assistance, then consulting with an organization, such as Sylvan Learning Centers is essential.

7. Having a group study time can sometimes also be helpful. I like the library for when children see that they are not alone in doing homework, this can lead to greater productiveness.

8. Celebrate completion. Children love to see their own success. When a parent capitalizes on this, self-esteem builds for the child and often times this lead to a desire to work harder for themselves.

9. If a child needs some extra help, or if a parent continues to struggle with homework battles, a consultation with a learning center is good idea to rule out any possible learning difference or to gain some support in better helping your child feel successful. It is very important NOT to let our children fail. This only hurts their self-esteem and once again, learning from one's mistake, is another abstract concept truly only available for most children in middle to late adolescence.

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner - Imedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Helping Kids Develop Social Skills"

drkanner — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 14:07:00 GMT

Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, September 7th @ 8:20am on San Diego6 News In The Morning.

Background: For most parents, concern about their children developing successful friendships is as important as academic dedication and solid morals and family values. But, as all adults realize, friendships are both complicated and confusing especially for children as most do not understand that friends are anything but perfect and at times can be very supportive, but at other times either overly competitive or envious. By adolescence, most boys and girls take this into stride and manage to accept ups and downs in their friendships as “normal” unless or course there is a break-up with their best friend (BF) or a boyfriend or girlfriend which can feel overwhelming.

Aside from the imperfection of any friendship, is also differences in how the temperament or personality of the child will affect how they interact with others. For example, outgoing children, who do not get easily upset, tend to have an easier time developing friendships then children who are either shy or easily upset by misfortune. Much of this is constitutional, or genetic, but at other times can be based on learning, bad experiences, or modeling how significant people in their lives manage their friendships. Here, children often imitate the type of friendsh ips that the parent of the same sex maintain, whether their mother or father are successful in their interpersonal lives and manage their own conflicts with others.

Another important variable is the type of person a child chooses to befriend and in some cases, the child will seek out a “healthy” friend or group, but in other cases not make such good choices. This is often due to unconscious motivations based on their relationships with their parents or siblings. As people, we naturally tend to repeat patterns in hopes of undoing or changing previous experiences in hopes of making them better or because they are familiar. As a example, many negative friendships that brew in childhood and adolescence are based on trying to “change” a person who reminds them or someone significant in their life, such as a competitive brother or sister. Here, we see children befriending someone who may not be very nice to them and the child who is trying to heal a previously negative tries each and every avenue to try to get that person to “like and accept them” to no avail and becomes saddened and hurt when their best efforts fail. The motivation here is to be liked by someone who may have too much animosity towards them and it becomes an impossible task. On the other hand, many children naturally pick healthy and positive friends and escape social problems.

Parents though can help this process by teaching their children appropriate social ski lls as soon as their child has attained enough maturity to play with others, something that we call “cooperative play” which is usually possible by the 2nd year of pre-school. Before this, children naturally play aside from other children until they develop enough understanding of another person’s feelings to play together. It is at the cooperative play period where parents can really help. Most parents allow their children to naturally play with others which is optimal provided their are few conflicts evident based again on both their child’s natural temperament and also positive experiences with their relationships with their parents and watching how their parents interact with each other and other adults. On the other hand, if a parent notices struggles with their child interacting with others, this is where the parent needs to step in and help them navigate conflict and resolution.

As a general rule, I always suggest that between the ages of 3 and 6, when a parent arranges a play date, he or she sits down with the two children and set some basic standards about how their should play together and also have some limits about both the types of games they may play and also specify what location they should play within – this “structure” then helps set the stage for a successful play time which then becomes learned and hopefully repeated. Some of these basic “rules” should include: sharing; taking turns choosing activitie s; being kind; expressing in words when they are feeling upset; and the parent being available if the conflict becomes too intense for the children to manage. When this occurs, the parent then validates that both children are upset and frustrated, normalize that this is normal in friendships, and then try to get the children to appropriately talk to one another about their feelings, and come up with a resolution. These skills are not innate, but learned from parents and teachers, both the point is that children need social skill training as much as learning how to master academic material.

As mentioned earlier, the choice of friendships come from two areas: previous experiences, good or negative; and the observation of how their parents get along with each other and their adult friends. Remember, children identify with their parents and idealize them and their actions, we as adults are often guided to befriend certain individuals who may not be very nice for wishes to “change them or make them like us”. Children do the same thing. Making clear to children what is important in a healthy friendship is also very important and should be discussed early. Such characteristics should be:

someone who really likes them for who they are
has good morals and family values
manag es conflict in a reasonable fashion
has the tendency to give and receive
can tolerate ups and downs in a friendship
has many commonalities, rather than differences with your child

When children, and adults, choose friends who are either too dissimilar of too competitive and envious, the friendship will be continually troublesome and may interfere with both your and your child’s self-esteem and academic or occupational performance.

Despite the best efforts of parents to help foster healthy social skills, some children may need an extra boost from an outside source. Many schools have social skill groups conducted by school counselors and many professionals have groups designed for such efforts. Check with your child’s school for such groups and I have a list of referrals on my website here on San Diego 6 for consideration if necessary.

Key Points:

parents need to set the stage early for social skill interaction
help your child and their play date learn how to play together
help your child learn how to manage conflict resolution early in their development
get your child to express their feelings in words with both you and their friends
encourage friends who are more alike than different than your child to decrease competition
model good reciprocal friendships in your lives for your child to observe
get some outside help early if necessary.

Dr. Keith Kanner l Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV l Bay City Television
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
San Diego Living Show
(: (619) 261.2346 8: Dr.Kanner@sandiego6.com

"Back To School Regression In Kids"

drkanner — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:54:00 GMT

Watch Dr. Kanner talk about this live this Monday, August 31 @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Also, check out his website @ www.kanner.tv

Background: By the end of this week, most children and adolescents will be back to school. Although most parents took the appropriate measures to prepare them by talking about it and getting the needed "back to school supplies", nevertheless, going back to school after summertime represents a significant transition for most kids. Typically, the first month back after summer is when parents experience the most significant battles over homework, getting up in the morning, turning off those cell phones, and being generally cooperative. Such manifestations are due to the natural feelings that all children and adolescents experience when going back to school - a combination of frustration and perhaps some excitement about seeing their friends. The adult comparison would be going back to work after a vacation where there was an absence of business problems, meetings, and deadlines.

Adults seem to have an easier time understanding the concept of "Monday Morning Blues", then being able to put themselves in the shoes of their children and responding as though they know how they feel. However, children truly appreciate when their parent can associate with their inner experiences without them having to express themselves in words. Remember the days when your child was an infant and as a caring and invested parent, you could determine what type of cry determined what particular feeling in them? This was all done without words. Just because a child develops the capacity to speak does not erase how important it is for parents to be able to "read" their child's non-verbal cues to determine their mental state. In fact, as children develop and strive towards independence from their parents, they naturally speak less until they get through the adolescent years, but still rely on that caring parent to "know them". Here, is where the continual investment of parenting comes into action - being able to let your child know that you know them and how they must feel. Even making the attempt to convey your perception is worth the chance that they may tell you are wrong, but at least you tried and there is a chance they might actually share what it is they are feeling.

Putting this concept into place comes in handy over this next month. Most children and teenagers will have some "normal" adjustment issues to going back to school which could manifest in a number of typical ways: a refusal to do homework; trouble getting up in the morning; irritability; acting out; and even some infrequent bed wetting, just to name a few. Each of these "symptoms" are just that - indicators that your child is experiencing some very strong feelings about going back to school. How a parent responds to this "regression" is very important however. Perhaps the most common parental mistake is to just punish the behavior. Punishment by itself does not work, but communicate to the child that their feelings and behavior are both bad. There is a big difference between a feeling and a behavior. It20is a matter of how feelings are handled and the role of any parent is to help their child learn how to better manage feelings, not feel bad about them. When parents merely punish a behavior, most children then generalize that the feeling was "bad" too and then a development of guilt over feelings becomes a pathological pattern rather than the emphasis be placed on appropriate behaviors.

So, if your child is having such a "regression" due to school resuming, talk to them about how they are feeling and work together with them to get through the initial "shock period" of getting back into school. Empathize, share how it was for you when you were a kid, and help them get their "job" accomplished by encouragement and some limits if necessary to "help" them manage, not punish them for feeling frustrated and perhaps saddened that vacation is over for awhile.

Key Points:

1. Most kids will have some normal adjustment issues about going back to school
2. Help them by talking to them about how you think they must feel
3. Both emphasize and help them stay on track with rewards and limits
4. Punishing behavior by itself is limited in effectiveness
5. Regression typically weans over the first month back to school

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Losing a Friend (as an adult)"

drkanner — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 11:39:00 GMT

Don't want to miss this one on Monday, August 24th @ 8:20am on CW 6 News In The Morning. Be sure to also check out Dr. Kanner's NEW website at www.kanner.tv

Background: Last week, a close friend of mine lost his battle with cancer after fighting the illness for a number of years. Even though we all seemed to know the eventual outcome of his fate, the loss of him echos in the hearts and minds of all of us who knew him. Aside from being bombarded with memories of his laugh, and strong dedications as a father and professional, we all feel for his spouse and his children and all plan to be as supportive to them in the weeks and years to come. We also feel other things as well. Sadness, anxiety, and despair. In fact, we have all been welling up almost daily since his death. Why? Sure, we all know that the normal mourning process involves feelings of shock, sadness, anger, and denial, but this one feels different. Why?

It hit me the other day. This was the first peer that I have lost as an adult. It seems that we might be better prepared to accept the eventual loss of the elderly, but to lose someone our own age is another issue. Perhaps I have been lucky or have many healthy friends, but the loss of a friend in the same age and developmental level of life brings up some very important questions for consideration, most notably, how have I lived my life and am I happy with who I am and what I do? Midlife, by definition, brings up these questions typically and leads some into changing their lives (sometimes for better and sometimes worse), but the loss of a friend, who is a peer, intensifies this process. We all can get caught up in our everyday activities from raising children, to building careers, to trying to be healthy and nice to others, but we often forget to look at the "big picture".

As I put on my Clinical hat, I know that most content elderly individuals seem to feel satisfied with their respective lives. The two types of patients I have learned the most from are adolescents and the elderly. For the elderly, a sense of accomplishment in life seems to guide their optimistic attitude as they age and eventually prepare to pass. But this process is gradual and for most adults in their young and middle years, are still trying to build this internal sense of pride and purpose by building their careers, raising their children, and taking care of friends, parents, and themselves. True happiness involves having a purpose, being a good person, taking care of your family, and being a good friend. It can be easy to get caught up in drama and conflict, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to who and what you are. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but as we age, taking a better account of one's life and making some modifications to live one that we can reflect back onto in our elderly years and feel as though we "made that mark", is what research teaches us allows us to pass with less conflict and actually increases the chances of enjoying the later part of our lives.

That old saying, we learn from loss, or that we gain from pain, can both be applied here as my friends and I mourn the loss of Gary. I think that he would tell us to live, laugh, and learn, but he would also advocate being a good person and taking care of one's family as the first priorities. He would also tell us to celebrate life and keep moving forward, not staying stuck in conditions that are unhealthy. He was a great man and a great friend. We will miss him dearly, but I hope his loss will teach us to be more self-aware and that will only help us all and others. He would smile if we could utilize his loss to make life better for ourselves and our children.

Key Points:

1. Losing a peer is different than losing a parent or grandparent
2. Loss makes people take an important account of their respective lives
3. Happiness involves: having a purpose, being a good person, taking care of your family, and being a good friend
4. Don't forget to take a step back and look at the "big picture" not just today

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host

Your Family Matters

San Diego 6 News In The Morning

San Diego Living Show

2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV

XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346

drkanner@sandiego6.com

"Developing Study Skills"

drkanner — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 22:42:00 GMT

Background: One of the strongest predictors of successful school performance is the child's capacity to study and complete assignments. In fact, children who have the finest study skills tend to obtain the best grades and get into the better colleges and universities which result in common occupational and personal success. Study skills involve tasks such as in class note taking, organization, planning ahead, material integration, studying, and the completion of assignments. As well known, most schools place significant emphasis on these acqui sitions and award a large percentage of the class grade on the child's mastery of these talents.

The development of study skills however is not automatically acquired by most children and are skills that must be initially taught and then monitored before they become internalized and practiced independently by the child. Many parents rely on their child's school to teach these skills when deemed necessary and appropriate and then become angry and frustrated when they learn that their child does not know how to manage their academic needs usually after a deficient report card. At this point, the parents become involved, become angry that the school did not teach their child how to study, and then battle with their child over the completion of assignments, hoping that their child will realize th e importance of getting good grades.

Depending upon both the age of the child and how long they have failed to develop adequate study skills, will determine how motivated the child will react when the parents become involved. Typically, the longer the child has failed to develop adequate study habits, the most resistant they will be to change their behavior due to habit even despite poor grades. This is most commonly observed in both Middle and High School. In such cases, most parents end up both getting their child some academic assistance, such as a tutor to help them learn how to study, along with setting limits involving desired activities until homework and studying is completed. Over time, if the parents remain consistent and serious, most children and adolescents will learn how to study and become organized.

To avoid such developments however, parents who begin in the early years teaching the importance of studying and homework, along with direct instruction of how to perform these tasks, tend to avoid these later dilemmas because their child internalized and practiced good study habits early in their academic lives. Usually when the child's school introduces homework, typically in either first or second grade, becomes the time the parent works to help their child learn to organize, plan, and complete their assignments in settings that are free from distraction and optimal for studying. Because the child is just beginning to understand school, and are still implicit in wanting to please th e parent, most small children will be less resistant to work together with their parents on study skills and will then feel proud when they witness their success as they receive a good grade from their teacher. Furthermore, because these skills were introduced early, "good" rather than "bad" study habits have been developed and become everyday routines which tend to from the grade school through the high school years.

Key Points (Developing Study Skills)

1. teach study skills early at home
2. have a homework time established by second grade
3. develop an optimal homework area early
4. have a break after school before homework
5. check over homework
6. reward the completion of homework
7. if bad habits manifest, help immediately to prevent failure

Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com