Your Family Matters : Adolescence

"Signs of Kid Burnout"

drkanner — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 14:30:00 GMT

Watch this segment live on FITM this Monday, October 16th between 8:00 and 8:30a.m.

Background: 10 year-old Brian has always been considered a high achiever. Historically an excellent student and athlete, both he and his parents have consistently expected pristine performance and compliance towards whatever activity Brian dedicates himself towards. In a typical year, aside from a full and typical school day, he has also been enrolled in a multiple activities both after school and on the weekends. Last year he played afterschool soccer, had both a piano and guitar lesson every week, was taking Spanish lessons, and was additionally involved in his church group. Both Brian and his parents had been equally invested in his "busy" schedule. The only complaint that Brian ever made was that he had very little time to spend with friends and also really never had any time to "just relax". This type of scheduling had been habitual for Brian since he was 4 years old and his parents have always taken pride in Brian's accomplishments. Brian too seemed to feel accomplished as well. This year however, some changes were observed and concerns were raised by two of Brian's teachers at his school. Brian's mood and attitude seemed to significantly shift about a month into school. His typical high spirits and participation had been replaced with a sense of flatness and fatigue. His head was often seen as slumped, and his body language was described as "droopy" In addition, the quality of his work was slipping from superior to average and he had seemed to lose his typical love of school. At home, Brian for the first time had become resistant to practice piano and guitar and his soccer coach told his parents that he seemed to be "in outer space" when on the field. Such radical changes were discussed between Brian and his parents and the only thing that Brian could acknowledge was that he felt really "tired" and did not feel well.

This example highlights a common condition referred to as "Kid Burnout". Familiar in the literature are studies about adult conditions of occupational burnout, but very little has been in the research about this condition in children and adolescents despite both parents and educators alike have experienced frequent conditions like the one portrayed in the Brian example.

The general cause of burnout is due to an over-extention in one's capacity to normally function. When this level has been reached, which is highly subjective, psychological and often physical symptoms develop which can be as subtle as mood changes to more significant conditions such as physical illness. Ironically, the underlying intentions about heavy schedules and numerous activities and interests are in efforts of allowing children a wide range of activities to enrich their lives. In fact many times, high energy children ask for more and more and their parents sign them up for activities to make them happy and then feel guilty when their children become disgruntled when they begin to dislike the activity they wanted so badly.

As discussed in the adult literature, burnout is avoided by balance in one's life. The difference with adults and children however, is that children usually do not have the capacity to balance themselves and need their parents to use their intuition about their child to decide what is or is not too much, even if their child might desire the contrary. It is better to have a child who may be a little disappointed with their parents about not signing them up for too many activities than a child who becomes symptomatic due to burnout. There is always next year when a child can try something new and when parents help their children balance, this becomes a trait that internalizes in the child which then can eventually be independently practiced. Furthermore, the parents of the child also need to demonstrate balance in their lives for children will frequently imitate what they observe in their parents.

Major Signs Of Burnout In Kids:

1. personality changes
2. a newfound lack of interest
3. sad or consistently tired mood
4. attentional problems
5. changes in the quality of performance
6. physical complaints/fatigue
7. statements of dislike

Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego

"Understanding Adolescent Relationships"

drkanner — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 14:55:00 GMT

Watch this segment live on FITM this Monday, October 9th between 8:00 and 8:30a.m.

Background: Holly and Jenny have been best friends since 4th grade. Graduating from grade school together, they moved into middle school where they became "best friends". Where in grade school they had similar interests, played well together, and shared fond memories, once into middle school, their relationship has taken on a new form of intensity. Clothing choices are almost identical. Hairstyles, make-up, choice of words, matching cell phones, and a sense of merging have been evident to all who know these two girls. In fact, they even have their own special language which is both spoken and communicated through text messaging. Academically, both have been excellent students partially because they are also study buddies and help each other with assignments and quizzing each other for exams. Both sets of parents have been amazed to observe how much Holly and Jenny seem to care for one another. Holly's mom has frequently stated that it almost seems as if they are each other's "new mother". This has been evidenced by the supporting statements overheard, how both defend each other when thwarted by a third party, and how they seem to truly enjoy each other's company. In fact, where shopping together, they even sometimes hold hands.

The Holly and Jenny story is a very common portrayal of how many parents describe the "best friend" syndrome of adolescence. Boys have similar relationships from an emotionally supportive point of view as girls, but tend to demonstrate physical closeness by play fighting or casual joking insults. Fun head locks with lots of laughter would be an example of this type of solid bonding. Trauma is typically evident if these best friend duos "breakup" or fight. Crying, screaming, and even statements such as "how can i live without her" frequently echo in the households of the adolescents commonly concerning the parents about the relationship possibly being unhealthy or atypical. In some cases, the adolescent in turmoil will tell their parents that they can't go to school, do their homework, or even function. One adolescent once told me that when she and her best friend broke up, it felt like she lost a limb. During these times, the cell phones are burning endlessly with pleas of reunification, consultations with the second best friend asking for advice about how to "get back together". In a nutshell, for the adolescent, life feels like it's over, although typically temporary for either the friendship heals or they find a "new" best friend to replace the old one and life returns back onto the right track in a matter of hours or days. Such common examples frequently leave the heads of the parents spinning and confused due to the drama feeling irrational.

How can we explain these types of "normal" intense relationships? Furthermore, when the adolescents begin to date, usually by the end of Middle Adolescence (15 years) or at the beginning of Late Adolescence (16 years), these intense emotions then extend onto the new "love" and have similar highs and lows as the relationships with the same-sex "best friend". Sexuality also becomes a cornerstone making the picture even more confusing and intense. Many parents who are experiencing this "teen streak" feel as though they are living on the set of a soap opera.

What is this all about? The answer lies in how these friendships represent and replace the early important relationships to the adolescent. Ironically, most adolescent parents complain that their adolescents seem to push away from them during the teenage years in efforts to healthfully individuate, which although normal and important, is also painful for most parents. Furthermore, the healthy parents of teenagers feel emotionally rejected, ignored, barely get a word or two out of their adolescent, and certainly have no clear idea of what is really going on in the personal life of their child, unless they spy, read their e-mails, or hijack their cell phone and read the text messages if they are not encoded.

From a developmental point of view, the friends of adolescents symbolically replace the very early relationship with the parents. Holly's mom was driving a group of Holly's friends in their SUV and was taken back how while she was driving and looking forward, it was as if the girls in the back of the care did not know she was there. Turning her head to the side, Holly's mother heard loving supportive discussions amongst the girls where they all seemed to be maternally nurturing to one of the girls who failed a math test. "It reminded me of earlier talks I used to have with Holly when she was 6 years old......she would never talk like that to me at this point in her life". To test out her theory, Holly's mom turned the radio down and warmly commented to Holly's friend that "it was only one test, don't worry about it". She was stunned when Holly blurted out - "stay out of this mom"!

As adolescents are in an important stage of development where they are trying to separate from parents, build a personality, become more independent and autonomous, and plan ahead for their future, their friendships become essential to support them through this process as was having parents supportive to them in the early years of life. This is not to say that the parents of the adolescent should be any less supportive then they were in the early years, it is more a question of how much the adolescent will allow them to be.

"Will she ever open up to me ever again?", Holly's mother asks. The answer is yes. Once through the developmental stage of adolescence and into young adulthood (roughly 18 to 19 years), the healthy young adult feels comfortably independent and strong. At this point, the relationship with the parent feels less dependent and the early closeness and affection that was present in the early years between parent and child evolves into an adult parent/child relationship that becomes mutually supportive and caring.

Key Points

1. Adolescent friendships replace the early relationship with parents
2. Parents are frequently not invited into the adolescent's emotional world
3. Emotionality is expected through Middle Adolescence (14 to 16 years)
4. Mature closeness returns once they enter Young Adulthood (18 plus)

Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego

"Parenting An Adolescent"

drkanner — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 17:45:00 GMT
Watch this segment live on FITM Monday, September 25th between 8:00 and 8:30a.m.

Background: The onset of adolescence typically brings an uncomfortable change in the relationship between parent and child. Where characteristics of sharing, relating, and mutual admiration were evident during the late childhood years (roughly 9 to 12), the developmental shift into early adolescence promotes a shift into avoidance, secretiveness, and public embarrassment. Once 12 year old Courtney began Middle School, she requested that her mother drop her off a block away from school so she could walk in herself and not look too dependent on her mother. Courtney would leave the car with her head held high and confidently walked upright to school, while her mother wept in the car watching her "baby" leave her behind.

Parents of the early adolescent are left feeling bewildered, sad, and angry and the degree to which these attitudes are present varies. Often they alternate with the long-established closeness and mutuality which form the basis of the normal relationship between parent and child at all levels of development, including adolescence. We tend to see this most when the adolescent is physically ill or in trouble. At these times, they will slip back into a position of "need" and will rely on the parent to help them through the temporary condition, but will then balk once they are feeling well again.

The underlying dynamics driving the child and the change in relating to the parents are multiple and are due to both physical and psychological changes. Powerful hormones and neurotransmitter changes catapult the adolescent into stronger sensations of aggression and sexuality which often become difficult for the boy or girl to manage. On the psychological side, the recognition of the parent being both a parent and a member of the opposite sex creates further conflict and anxiety. Hugs and kisses, and any form of physical contact, may produce feelings of discomfort associating the parent unconsciously to a member of the opposite sex. Privacy, modesty, locked doors, and physical distance are all common manifestations during this phase of development. 13 year-old Dylan took his own allowance money and bought himself a lock to place on his bedroom door to ensure that neither his parents of siblings could "walk in on him".

Most adolescents create door signs reading "Parents Keep Out", or "Enter At Your Own Risk", which although humorous are unnerving and underlie this developmental process. Strange music, wild posters, suggestive attire and costumes, and the absence of neatness are all indicators of the intense need to create space and independence from parents both physically psychologically while remaining in their required and needed protective atmosphere. Parents who understand adolescent development will tolerate most of these efforts to "individuate" unless the efforts are outlandish for they understand that such creations are benign aspects of differentiation. When confined to the home, although not enjoyed by most parents, the adolescent is given the chance to "safely individualize", and often when parents are tolerant of such benign efforts, behavior and attitude outside of the home is well modulated.

Another major theme in the adolescent is the need to view parents in less powerful ways in efforts to feel more in control of themselves. Due to the strong developmental need to attain enough nurturance and guidance in the earlier years of life, the adolescent attempts to break these apron strings by "de-idealizing" the parents, especially the mother. Both boys and girls come to see their mother in a less potent, more imperfect light, gradually assuming more and more power for themselves. Adolescents of both sexes tend to have a more conflictual relationship with their mother than father as they try to ward off the early wishes for fusion, not unlike how they were as toddlers years ago. Then, as now, the father, is seen in a more rational, balanced light, and commonly serves as a go-between for both the mother and child.

From a parenting perspective, just as the toddler required the consistent presence of the parents to help them work through their conflicts and manage their behaviors, so does the adolescent need regular contact with parents to help them safely manage the developmental tasks of this stage of development. The optimal parental position is a combination of consistent caring and the exercise of mature judgment and limit setting, while gradually allowing the adolescent increased freedom and responsibility once they have demonstrated enough functional maturity.

What often further complicates the interaction between adolescents and their parents is the strong emotional conflicts that arise in both the child and parent alike. The more the parents can manage their emotions during this time and try to better self-understand what conflicts are being awakened, which may date back to one's own childhood and adolescence, the better the parent is prepared to help their child and themselves get through this exciting, yet challenging, phase of development.

Optimal Adolescent Parenting Key Points:

1. Parents need to have regular contact with their adolescent despite resistance.
2. Consistent caring is blended with mature judgment and limit setting.
3. Gradual freedom and responsibility is introduced based on demonstrated maturity and self-responsibility.

Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters Fox6 News - San Diego